From the heart… They are here at last!

So you may or may not of noticed I have been quiet for the last few days and not really be online that much. Well I have had good reason, last Wednesday I decided I was fed up of being pregnant and really wanted to be a mummy already!

Ok so I say that in jest , but it was a horrid few hours of worry , panic and more worry. I woke up on Wednesday with a poorly chest and the worst back ache ever! Lucky for me the Boss man was working from home and tucked me up on the sofa with breakfast and Disney films. By midday I was really lagging and the pain had got worse. The boss man called the midwife , thinking it was a water infection or brakstion. But after coming out and checking on me , she start to say things like ‘Active labour’ and ‘dilated’ and ‘on their way’. So I was bundled in to the car, driven to the hospital and with in 30 mins on a drip trying to stop my labour. The Boss man mobilised the troop, and we waited and prayed for no more contractions. But 20 mins after that my waters broke, the babies heart rate monitor when mad and the next thing I know I was being rushed to theatre, with Boss man hot on are heels!

After what seemed like a nice hours nap I found myself I recovery , in pain and feeling empty inside. It took the Boss man , sedative and 3 nurses to calm me down. I was sure the babies had died or got lost, but I always have a bad time when I get put right under. So after getting it in to my head that I had indeed just become a mum, I demanded to be taken to see my babies. but that was not happening as I was too poorly and they were poorly too! So I clung to the pics that the boss man had taken of them and made him describe them in detail.

Constance Grace was born first weighing in at lb 9. Connie , was born kicking and screaming. The doctors where slightly concerned that she had a swollen tummy and that she had a touch of Turdus. Evelyn Rosa was born weighing in at 4lb 5. Little Evie was born still and blue, with undulated lungs. She needed a little encouragement and help, but she soon decided to be a good girl and behave. (just like her mummy). They both got taken to the NICU , but my amazing Great Aunty May had promised to sit with them and ‘give eye’. So I knew that they would be ok.

I had to get through the next day without seeing them, which would have been hell, but I was hopped up on painkillers and slept for a lot of the day. I also had aunty may and uncle fred with the girls the whole time. Little bear went to visit them at lunchtime on Thursday , taking her Ipad and Skype me with the girls from th NICU.

At 5 pm the boss man turned up with a wheel chair and it was off to see them. I was terrified of doing something to wrong or hurting them somehow. I had a little cuddle with Evie and dear god I have never felt anything like it.It was like the purest love and pride and happiness all at once. I swapped Evie with her daddy and held Connie and just stared at her. Tears sprung to my eyes as she opened her eye, squeaked, pulled the funniest little face and then pooped for the first time! Turns out she needed her mummy to make her feel relaxed enough poop! (FYI my babies are even cute when they poop, fact!)

So the last few days I have been healing, getting to know my little ones and just being ridiculously happy! Motherhood is something that I had always, deep down wanted in my life. But for so many reasons thought it was never going to happen. I mean I never thought in my wildest dreams that after the break down of my first marriage that I would want to be with someone new. But in the space of 4 years I have a wonderful home, 3 beautiful subbie sisters, a husband who I adore and 2 perfect little girls. This is the life I Always wanted, Always needed , bit never thought I dissevered. But you know what?!?! I do deserve this , to be loved , to love and to be happy.

So I am relaxing , or trying to. I’m trying to just be happy and not over think things, to just enjoy the moment. I’m doing ok with it, if I feel overwhelmed, I just breath and remember , I got this far and if  did that I can rule the world!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

From the Heart…. Irish Abortion Referendum.

So at long last Ireland is going to hold a referendum on their abortion laws. on saturday thousands of pro-choice campaigners march in Dublin to peacefully demonstrate for the up coming referendum. Being  part Irish , a woman and of Pro-choice way of thinking , it filled me with a sense of pride and admiration. Hell if the was anyway of being with them and matching , I would have been. But being heavily pregnant and not being able to fly , i watch and read about it from the comfort of my sofa.

As the law stands now abortion is illegal , unless the mother’s life is in danger. It gives the unborn child the same rights as the mother. If you are found having or having had an illegal abortion, you can face up to 14 years in jail. with this thousands of woman are travel abroad to terminate unplanned pregnancies, knowing the only other way of dealing with it are the iligal back street abortions or living with the shame of bring a baby in to the world , unplanned and unwanted.

I  am as i said part irish , a mix of southern and north an . I was bought up in a very strict  catholic household. Sex outside married was frowned upon and children out side was seen as a sin. This was a view that seemed to be the view of people on the whole. But it was also well-known that you could go abroad or to Doris down the road to have it ‘taken care of ‘ . I was to young to understand what this meant , but as I got older I was taught at my very posh and very strict school , not only what abortion was but that it was the worst sin, anyone who did was going straight to hell and would be punished everyday for the rest of your lives! So I kind of grew up to say that I was pro-life and that I hated the idea of abortion.

How ever when I reached my teens and I rebelled , I was kicked out of school for fighting and fell in with a bad crowd . by the age of 15 I was having sex with both males and females . So it came as no big shock that just after I turned 16 I found out I was pregnant. terrified I told my sister , who broke it to my mother. I remember her storming in to my room and calling me a dirty little whore and did I have any idea of the shame this would bring on her and my sisters. I was told I would be ‘doing the sensible thing’ and  days later I was frog match to the GP and then my mother made me walking in and tell the doctor a pack of lies that went ‘ I had me drunk and some boy forced him self on me , that I did not want to be a mother and that it was making me have suicidal thoughts’. The GP got out his little forms and signed a slip and handed some leaflets to my mum . She drove me home telling me I had to call and get it all set up as soon as I got in. I got an appointment at a place called preterm in London 2 days later. I had to go on my own and it is one of the most vile things I have ever done . I was seen by a woman , who did a few test and then I had to have a ultra sound scan , I which I saw my baby . The woman who did said yes 15 weeks , nice and high, good pregnancy. I was then marched in to another room where they phoned round ‘clinics’ to find a spot for my to have it taken care of as quickly as it could. The nearest clince that could see me with in 2 weeks was in Essex. appointment made and out the door. No offer of counseling or any hint of help.

5 days later at 6.45 am I was put on a train to London with my sisters and then the tube to Essex. when I arrived I was told that my sisters could not stay with me and that I need to go and get ready. I climbed in to my night-shirt , put my panties with a big sentry towel on them under my pillow . I was taken in to a cold operating room, with nurses and a doctor in masks told mt to hop on the table. a needle went in to my arm, ,y legs hoisted up and then the was just black. I woke after what seemed like ages, in pain, confused and frightened. I heard sobs, I felt myself shake and felt the arm of a fellow patient go round me. the sobs were coming from me. things are hazy after that. I remember peeing and nearly passing out in pain, my sisters some how getting me on the tube, being force-fed burgerking fries and coke, and then being woken up at my home town. but the worst part of all was my daddy picking me up and the look on his face. My mother had not told him what had been going on , that his baby girl was pregnant and having a termination. But she had told him after we were safely on are way and it nearly killed him. I wad left broken, lost and it took me months to even begin to come to terms with what I did. My sister bee got me to go to the gp for help, and after therapy and time I got through it .

But even after what I went through and how much pain it put me through, I believe it was the right thing for me to do for me. I was too young , too nieve , and totally unprepared for that. I thought and still think that the needs to be more support and help offered . But the whole experience changed my out look from pro-life and pro-choice. I read and learnt about what abortion was like when it was not done professionally. The horror stories and deaths where heart breaking sickening.

So my fellow Irish peeps, please think hard about this referendum . abortion is some that will happen whether legal or illegal . It should not be seen as a shameful act , it should not be hidden away and it is not a sin. No woman should have to go through with it and have to travel 100’s of miles or risk death to have one. So I ask you to all vote to change the law and save lives!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Tattooed Heart.

Do I like tattoos? Umm, well yes, yes, I do! No, I don’t like them, I love them. I should really confess here, before I go any farther to being what the Boss Man calls a tattoo addict. I Love how they look on other people, on me and I see them as one of the most beautiful forms of artwork that the is. I grew up in a very strict Irish catholic / Russian orthodox culture, where the word tattoo was a dirty word and a taboo. I guess that kind of fuelled my love of them!
From a very early age (5 or 6) they fascinated me. I can remember being sat on my great uncle Tony’s knee and quizzing him about the pictures on his arms. He had been in the mechation navy in WW2 and it seemed he got a new one every port he was every in. he would sit and tell the story of each one. As I grew older I saw another side to men with tattoos. I have ridden motor bikes from the age of 4 (I think). doing trials ridding and then motor cross. This is where I started to see them as art work and not just ink on skin. When I hit my teens, I didn’t get crushes on boy band types, no it was bikers I wanted. Over the years I was increasingly attracted to strong men, who wore their ink with pride. My first proper boyfriend was in the RAF and had military tattoos and I think that is what got my attention. Fast forward to now and I find myself married to a heavily tattooed, bearded, muscled biker of my own! Who I will add sits and tells me the story behind all his ink!
I also adore them on women. The is something about some well place ink that I think and feel is highly erotic. Most of the ladies I know who have been under the needle have tattoos that show strength and courage. They are stunning and dark, yet still manage to be feminine and soft at the same time. I also love the small, understated tattoo, that show the slightest hint of a daring wild side. The whole Pin up look, but with tattoos is a look that I find appealing and something I aspire to!
Now as for my own ink, well I have a lot of it. I have 35 of them. they start with a feather behind my right ear and end with the word ohana on the inside of my left ankle. They all have a deep and special meaning. The ones on my back are sort of badges of hunger. the one under my boobs have been redone and covered over, now caring a message to how ever gets to see, that this girl has survived domestic abuse. The ones on my hips are evidence of my misspent youth and my love for my Irish roots. They ones on my left leg show that even after being broken and left with scares something beautiful can come. The cladder on my left leg was done after I married the boss man. He has the same one on his left pec, next to the word ohana.
As for getting tattoos, well that is something I can’t get enough of. It’s kind of like I get to be an artist canvas. I have only ever been tattooed by 4 people and 80 % of that work was done by one person, who I now class as a dear friend. Then for me the is the act of have the tattoo done. Now I love some sorts of pain and it turns out tattooing is right up there with a good old spanking for this girl. The guy who does most of mine has a light airy studio, he lets you sit and stroke his dog buba to keep you calm and always make sure you are relaxed. Then he cleans your skin, applies the design and then he starts, and that is when magic begins. Slow and steady, with the right amount of stinging, burning and the tingle. at first, I tense up a little first and then I slowly relax in to it and focus on my breathing.as the clam settles in to my bones, I can let my mind wander and then the is just the sweet pain. It is kind of like going into subspace and its blissful for me. when it ends I get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit and then I float home on my happy little clouds of endorphins! I have a lot more planed.
And to end, my favoured of my tattoos, well that is the one on the inside of my right wrist. It is an arrow and above it read Warr;or. It was done the day I was discharged from hospital, after a 3 month stay due to a botched attempt at taking my life. It is my reminder to not give up, to keep fighting and never forget that I am worth so much more alive than dead.

warrior.jpg

hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Wicked Wednesday.

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The Diary of Pixie heart- 18/09/17 – 24/09/17

As instructed to, I’m sharing last weeks diary for everyone to have a giggle at! enjoy!

Diary: mouse

Monday 18th September 2017: 5.45am – So I am all wiggly and I can’t sleep, so I’m getting up! I will be eating toast and drinking tea on the sofa if you need me!
7.30am – I feel asleep again! Thank you for waking me up by shoving your cock in my face, no really, I love it when you do that!
8am – breakfast done, dentist phoned for Little bear, dishwasher done and now to sit down for a bit!
9.30am – I love the food network, but what the flip is going on with pioneer woman??? Like do her family only eat breakfast and cake?
10am – Dentist time with little bear. I can’t get her into clothes so she is wearing her sloth onesie and unicorn slippers, sorry I did try!
11am – My poorly girl has an abuse on the roof of her mouth! Ouchy! So, I have her antibiotics, soft food, and some nice juice. I will now tuck her up on the sofa and keep her safe!!
12.30pm – Little bear has decided that she ‘NEEDS’ butterscotch wipe and 3 bananas for lunch, so yes…. lol.
1.30pm – Thank you for are lunch time call and thank you for telling little bear she was being brave!
2pm – I’m doing writing! About spankings!!!
2.45pm – Afternoon nap time, I am a tired little pixie!
4.30pm – Blimey I was tired! Little bear seems to of perked up a little, antibiotics are amazing things!
5pm – Babe has come home and said she will cook. What did I do to deserve that as a treat!
6pm – Veggie fingers, chip and peas and sweetcorn. With sponge and chocolate custard for afters!
7pm – Thank you for helping me to have a bath, it is so hard to get in and out of the bath tub on my own and I’m fed-up of having bloody showers!
8.45pm – Family time on the sofa is great, but I’m horny, can I play with kitten please!?
10pm – THANK Your x x x x x x. I love playing with kitten’s nipples and pussy!
11pm – bed time story of pen of the damned, good move! Night sexy bum!
11.15pm – lights out and cuddles! X
Tuesday 19th September 2017: 7.15am – Blimey Riley! Tired little pixie again! That is the second night I slept right through. Little bear is still sleeping, bless the little thing. Got to get up, date with Uncle Fred!
8.30am – yes, I do still have to be up, dressed and making you breakfast before you get down in the morning. Yes, I must make your lunch, yes, I need to make sure you tie is straight and give you a kiss good bye. It is my job as your wife! And yes, I’m trying to pout, so don’t give the eyebrow!
9am – Little bear has just told me to sit down and drink my milk: o the family little is Doming me now!
10.15am – when the babies get here and I’m all held up, I am spending a whole week cleaning! Little bear did a good job and I’m trying to not micro mange her or go ‘you missed a spot. But me being me, I’m finding it hard!
11am- I no longer fit behind the steering wheel of my car! Thankfully Uncle Fred said he was happy to drive, I’m not sure I could cope with the bus or bear’s driving!
11.30am- Feeding the dunks is the best feeling ever! I get to be a kid for a bit and I feel free. Just don’t want to be an adult anymore!
12.15 – Squeak! Happy meal, milkshake and a Mcflurry! Spoilt!!!
1pm – Ok so I now officially heave everything I could need for the babies! And yes I got breast feeding stuff too!
2pm- Home to find 6 huge boxes from amazon. Seems everyone I work with has bought something of a baby Wishlist that Steve set up. My god this is awesome, don’t think I’ll ever need to buy nappies or whips ever! They even got the dogs new Kong toys and t-shirts!
2.45pm – Afternoon nap!
5pm – Welcome home kiss to wake me up! You old smoothie! And yes, I do still like you copping a feel while having a smooch on the sofa!
6pm – take out for dinner, cos I’m too tired to cook! Thank you, x,
7pm- Am I not allowed to take a shower on my own?! Thank you, nice to be hair free again and thank you for checking that my bits still work! 😉
7.45pm – Monopoly marathon, Bring it on Frenchie!
9.30pm – Little bear is blatantly cheating!
10.15 – Thank you for coming to bed with me, I’m a pooped pixie!
11pm – Ok I love this book! Oh, and I love you to Frenchie x x x

Wednesday 21st September 2017: 6.30am – Errrr! Its morning then? I’m sore and full of ouches! Can you come back to bed please?
7am- Can’t we just stay in bed?! But thank you for the cup of tea, bowl of bran flakes, pain killers and cooking mags, I’ll be ok in a min!
7.20am- Better and happy again!
7.45 – Yup did breakfast again!
8.30pm – Don’t you dare be late home tonight! Love you froggie!
9.30am – day time television sucks big time! Why would anyone want to stay home and watch television when this is the crap on it?
11.20am – So it now turns out that I need to take a mid-morning nap as well as an afternoon nap!
12.30pm – So I have just eaten for Britain! Good lord I have no idea how that fitted inside me!
1.30pm – Homes under the hammer is kind of cool!
2.30 – tired again, napping about to condense in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…….
4pm – Woken up by a dog vomiting and being the size of a baby elephant do not go well together! Spidie was being a flipping drama queen and mad eye tried to clear her sick up by eating it!
6pm – Dinner time and little bear cooked an amazing pasta, that had the right amount of chillie in it!
6.45pm – No I am not watching extenders , no you cannot make me do it!
7pm – really fed up now! Can’t get comfortable and I’m fixity 
8.15pm – Was not sassing you that much and kitten is made to be tickled! P but kind of happy to be sent to bed, I get little bear cuddles!
9.15pm – Yummy, you can take your belt to me like that any day! can we do more impact play after the babies get here? Well more play all round?!?!
11pm – Hehehe. Watching babe, kitten and little bear playing, with you sat behind me and your hands on my boobies was wonderful!!
12pm- are you going for husband of the year?! French toast with ricotta and figs!

Thursday 21st September 2017: 6am – Up early, got to get little bear to the dentist. If she gets just her crown put back in I will be proud of her!
7.30am- so dressed, in the car and on the way to the hospital It is too early and I already need to pee! Uncle Fred is a super star for driving us! (Must by him bear!)
8.30am- Well hear and they have given her a sedative. Crossing everything I have that she will be ok, cos I can’t go in with her 
9.45am – Well she’s out! My brave girl not only let them put her crown back in, put they have the 2 impacted wisdom teeth out and they filled the holes in her canines! She is rather stoned, so it’s straight home to bed with her!
11am- I have tucked little bear up on the sofa with her teddy bear and blanky! She had 2 glasses of water and one of milk, plus some painkillers. She was out like a light! I’m going to wash all the baby clothes now and make sure they are all ready. I know it’s silly but that is something I can do and not really get shattered!
12pm- Aunty May has just turned up with food and told me to ‘go sit down like a good girl’. Not that I mind her turning up with food or her fussing, but I can do light house work! could speak to her and ask her back off a little?! I love her to death, but sometimes I need a little breathing space.
1.30pm – little bear is awake and in pain  can’t let her have pain killers for an hour and a half, so I have sat her in the kitchen with me and aunty may. I hate seeing her hurting, tears me up inside 
2.30pm – sod it! Have given her some painkillers a little early and we are now camping on the sofa, with warm milk and chocolate whip. Going hopefully nap. Aunty may has decided she will cook tea and do the ironing, feel bad but she said little bear needed looking after more than the ironing needed doing, and she is right, as always!
4.30pm – ok so I did need a nap and little bear seems to be doing better. She wants mashed potato with cheese, baked beans, and green beans for her tea, so that is what may be cooking her!
5.45pm – I have sat down and got my taxes done! Yes, I know I have not exactly worked over the last 2 months, but their all nice and neatly done! Yes, I know only I get a kick out of having neat and tidy tax files, but hay bite me!
6pm – Nice touch Frenchie bring aunty may flowers! She really does cook like a posh version of my nana!
7pm- thank you for driving May home sweetie! I’m going to get little bear ready for bed and then going to take a shower with kitten. Hope you have a great time playing pool with babe! Love your x x x x
9pm- I swear these babies are sadist like their father, that or they are into water sports!
11.45pm – Ummm so yeah, I think you may have had a little bit too much to drink handsome! But thank you for the kfc kid’s meal! Little bear is happily scoffing popcorn chicken and yoghurt. Did you just buy it so she had a treat?!? I love you pookie! X x x x
Friday 22nd of September 2017: 7.15 am – Someone has a sore head this morning! Bacon sandwich and strong coffee in bed for you sir! and I can do that cos I want to and looking after you is my job! Then get that butt in the shower and dressed, cos it is family weekend time as of 5 pm!
8.30am- So yeah, I wanted you to stay home but …… Ok house cleaning time as best I can!
10.30am – Clean! It really is amazing what the 4 of us girls can get done if we all work together! I am now off to do food shopping with babe driving! If you get a call from the hospital saying I’m in labour, my nerves could not take it!
12pm – Ok food shopping done and put away! We are a dream team! Wow, can we get team boobies t-shirts?!?
12.30 – Now uncle Fred is well at it! Although he still lets me do stuff, are garden shelves are looking dope! He has made a massive loaf of soda bread, pot of soup and cherry pie! I get sad when he makes cherry pie as it was aunty Doreen’s fav, god I miss her!
2pm – Stuffed and tired, but my brain is saying ‘no don’t nap do the kitchen cupboards’. as a compromise, I am watching a Disney film with little bear on the sofa! Lol also why does are dog walker think it is funny that my dogs come back when called?
5pm – Umm yes, I did full asleep!
5.30pm – What is with you today? Text saying get bathed and in my pj’s and don’t worry about dinner, and that’s it!!! What the fuck!!!
6.15pm – Curry, ice cream and ginger bear! Ok I love you, did I say that before, right? Also, avengers and dry strange, you are the best person like ever!
11pm I stayed awake for the whole thing this time! Now teeth and bed!
11.10pm – We even get are bed time story!
Saturday 23rd September 2017: 6am- Errrr! Ok antibiotics are kicking my butt today! I feel sick, have the shakes and an upset tummy. Can I stay home?
7am – thank you so much for getting with babe and taking the hounds out so I can sleep!
9am – yup I’m dying! I have forced down some toast, my meds and Diet coke. Thank god for polos and Imodium!
9.45 – Ok I have to go shopping cos I need to buy stuff but all I want to do is sleep!
10.30am – ok so I now have a banging head ache and feel dizzy. Thank god for my kitty cat coming with me!
11.15pm – So kitten has an apple and blackcurrant and chips from kick. She has put salt on them and got me ketchup for them! I took pain killers and I now feel a little bit better!
12pm – ok I so manged to get the bus home!
12.30 – Little bear walking Bella, mad eye and boods up to the bus stop is adorable and meant so much!
1pm – squeak! Am I really allowed to put my Pj’s back on and go be little for the afternoon, really???
1.30pm – you got me unicorn colouring book and apple and mango juice!
3pm – I see you watching inside out, just come sit on the sofa silly head!
5pm – I have had the best afternoon in ages! Thank my love, I really needed that! Now I’m going to make spaghetti for dinner and grilled peaches with ice-cream for after!
6.30pm – Strictly come dancing, that is all that needs to be said!
9pm- thank for coming to bed with me, sorry I don’t want nookie and just want to snuggle!
11pm- girls are up, tucked in and bed time story read! Night handsome x
4.45am – Thank you for letting me get up and write. I have a bad case of the I can’t sleepiest!
7.15am – so I have had breakfast, taken my meds, and done my neb. I have even taken something to calm my brain the fuck down, I am now going to try a sleep for a little bit. I’m that tired I am feeling slightly irrational 
10am – Wow! I feel so much better for a nap!
10.30am – Why are we getting in the car and where the flip are we going!
11pm – Secrets! Yay!!!! Can I have fed the fish and ducks, please!?!!?
12pm- Soup, salad and bread is so the best lunch ever!
1.pm- can we get a turtle please? Or some Dalmatian mollies?
2.30pm – Why did you agree to let us go to a super market on a Sunday afternoon? I’m going to be brave but I don’t know if I can do this or the whole of the shop. If I get freaked out can I go sit in the car?
3pm – well I made it to the check out. Thank you for letting me go sit the other side of them and just chill out!
3.30pm – So I’m now cooking dinner with you, like I get to tell you what to do? Cripes that is so out of my comfort zone foggy! How about I ask you nicely to do stuff?
5pm- You will make a great chef one day! this is fun, can we do it more often?
5.45pm – NO! that is not how you carve a chicken! More of it is going in your tummy than anything else! Silly head!
6pm – Roast dinner, Boss man and mouse style!
6.30pm – Now you got little bear to wash up and do the dishwasher without moaning, what magic is this!
7pm – bath time!
7.30pm – Why do I have to go to bed? but ok!
8pm – Tots could be a spaceman you know!
9.30pm- Sleepy pixie now!
10.20- hot milk, with honey and nutmeg. Bed time story and cuddles, thank you for a fabulous weekend! Love you xx
11pm – light out!

 

so that was last week! what are all you lovely’s up to this week?

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

 

 

letter from Maîtriser.

So I have wanted to share this part of are life  for a very long time, but it is only now that Maîtriser agreed to me sharing we you all. I am a girl who loves letters, both writing , receiving and reading them. It is a way that myself, maîtriser and the girls have kept in touch over the years, before i joined the family . It is now a way that we talk to each other  when is something that we have needed to really think about. For Maîtriser it is a way to show how he feels and talk to us one on one. For Maîtriser and i it is are way of being soppy and loving , without everyone knowing! 

The is something about the written word that really moves me on a lot levels . It can calm my mind, insist my curiosity and excite me. I think it is one of the things that made me full in love with maîtriser, the way he has with words blows me away every day!

So I am sharing a letter he sent me a few months back, after I had a melt down and was being vile. I had taken on way to much work, was trying to be more than I needed to be and refusing  to ask for help. he left this by my the bed so I had it as soon as I woke up. (please bear in mind that I have translated this from French to English.)

Dearest little mouse,

Well what can I say little one you have done it again! I don’t know how one girl can get herself in to such a tizzy and that much trouble in the space of 3 days, but you some have done again! You know I have put rules in place for a reason, that I want to keep you safe and from harm, and that everything I do is done with love. It not only hurts yourself, but me as well, when continually put yourself down. You trust me and have excepted my guidance, yet you still don’t believe that you are worthy of being loved by people. Am I stupid or do you think you are beneath me? No , mouse you’re not. You’re my equal, my partner in crime and my special little one, who I adore.
You must understand that I am doing this so you see that you are worthy of being loved, so you can be all that you can and so you can stop these destructive thought and behaviour patterns. Unlike some punishments, I take no pleasure in doing this my love. This hurts me as much as it does you.
So, you know exactly what your transgressions are, I will list them, but keep in mind this not an attack, but is just me stepping in to look after my girl, ok sweetness?
• You put yourself down 17 times in 3 days.
• Your spoke with your mother, without myself or babe being with you.
• You allowed your sister to belittle you in church, by saying ‘oh she’s just a housewife’
• You refused to allow kitten to offer you comfort when she offered you a hug.
• You clean on Friday for 5 hours, instead of the 2 hours we had agreed
• You spoke in a raised and disrespectful way to your Aunt May and your friend Emit.
• You refused to eat dinner with the rest of the family on Friday and Saturday night.
• You ‘Forgot’ to ask for and take anxiety medication, when you needed it
• You went out and did not take your phone.
• You did not talk to me or babe when you were having a hard time.
• You were grumpy with little bear this morning and did not say sorry to her.
• You did not ask for help when you needed it.
It pains me to do this , but as punishment you are losing you free time for the next 2 weeks. You will be expected to let Babe or I know where you are at all times. As well I will be setting you a few goals that I want you to finish to a level that will make me happy and proud. We will be spending time as a family at home and at the open mic nights at the britaina, with the aim of getting you to relax and enjoy yourself. Billie will be coming 4 times a week for your English class instead of 2. also, you are to allow Kitten or little bear to help with your classes and admin. You are to give all 3 of the girl’s extra chores around the house. You are not to see your sisters, brother in-laws or nieces or nephews without me or to agree to Baby sit without asking me first. you are to shower with me every evening, your bedtime for the next 2 weeks is 10pm and you are not allowed out of bed in the morning 6.30 am. I want you to keep a food diary every day, do you pulse ox, peak flow and bs level 4 times a day. You will also be doing 4 training sessions with Steve, yoga every morning and swimming with me twice a week. You are to up your mindfulness exercises to 4 times a day as well. I will review this at the end of the 2 weeks.
Know that I only do this out of love little one, it is for your own good. You can’t see it, but you are suffering from trying to do too much for too many people. The is no shame in asking for help when you are struggling or for breaking down a little when things get too much. You do not need to be all things to all people. For now, I want you to take care of yourself, do as you are told and to make me proud, that is it, do you understand?
I will see you this evening little one,
All my love,
maîtriser X

Well hope you enjoyed it,

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

The Boobies have it!

So last week my darling little bear came home from shopping close to tears, after some little old lady told her that her choice of tops was showing too much cleavage! Now apart from being untrue, hurtful and really bloody rude, Opened up some very newly held wounds for the poor little one. You see are little bear had rather big boobies, that till 6 months ago she hated. See at the age of 24 the poor lamb had GG cup breast, that made her back hurt and shoulders hunch. But earlier this years her Doctor said they had stop growing and that her weight had stayed the same long enough for her to under go breast reduction surgery. She went from a GG to DD cup, and although she was in pain after and has only just been allowed a ‘normal’ bra , it has been the most amazing thing ever! Her confidence has sawn and she is happy . I think it has been a godsend for her, both mentally and physically , so when some old bag decided it was ok to make comments that derailed bear being happy , then I get cross!

All this got me to thinking about breast and what people think of them. I mean how does the world really see them , like really ‘See’ them. I mean I know that they are there to sustain New born life , but what else do they do. Well yes I now having them played with can make you wet and they can get people looking at them excited. But in main stream society what do we think of them!?!?

Growing up in a very traditional catholic house hold, boobs , as my nana called them were some what of a taboo. I never saw a woman breast-feeding a baby , never saw bras or talked about them. the only times I ever saw them was the odd flash in a religious painting (we never went a looked at fancy art!) or the occasional  Page 3 girl in my uncle micks cab of his truck or the big booed cartoon women in those comic postcards. They were just one of the things that women had and that was it! I was taught , that yes I would get them, but you don’t stare at them and you don’t talk about them, cos they were some how dirty or wrong.

The one thing I did see was how woman and their breast got judge by people, of both sexes. Men seemed to see woman with big boobs as some sort of air-head, who were less than them or an easy lay! if the showed cleavage they were ‘asking for it’  and if they covered them up they were to said to have ideas above their station or frigid old frumpy. (that was my great nann’s saying). If you happened to have small boobs , you got teased , told you were bookish or some how less of a woman. women judge each other just as harshly , looking down on anyone who showed cleavage or was remotely sexual.

The media only showed breast as either air-head page 3  girls or strippers for the bigger breasted ladies, think Sam Fox. Then smaller more like Sigourney weaver, seen as clever, talented and possible a dyke. Not that was a term I knew what it meant, but from the way people in my family and community used it , I knew it was something that I did not want to be.

So it will come as no big surprise that when I hit 11 and started growing breast, I tried to hide them and myself away from prying eyes. It wasn’t till I got to my mid teens that I learnt it was ok to wear a slightly tight t-shirt, that showed the shape of my boobs. It was just after my 14th birthday that I learnt the wonder of breast and all their hidden pleasures. as I got older and went to university and got involved in first the arty scene, and then the goth and fetish scene that I learnt to feel comfy and happy with my chest. I also learnt that I’m a girl who likes looking, playing and enjoys boobs!

The thing that I find shocking and very odd is as a society we seem to say now that we have the right to dress , act , and do what ever we want, letting and encouraging young girls to wear things that if I had worn them at their age , would have left me branded a slut. But we are so quick to say low self-esteem , have a boob job! now I am not going to touch on boob jobs and the such, if you want one then great , if you don’t like them and are happy with what you have , then great. Just be happy and don’t judge a person on their boobs!

That my dear friends is why I love the Kinky community so flipping much, cos I don’t know any place I could have gone to a group of girls and guys , what do you think of Boobies? and got really honest , truthful answers. Turns out Straight and bi guys all pretty much love boobs in all form and in any style! Woman well , on the whole they are happy with what the got handed out , some would have them smaller/ bigger/ fuller/ perkier or change them a little bit, but they like them! but what blew me out the water ,  was that every person I asked thought that a person should do what every they want with their boobs as long as they are happy ! So YAY kinksters for being once again the queens and kings of the body positivity !

As for me , well I have learnt that I loved my small boobies , that I love my ever-growing breast and that they seem to be loved the people in my life! they are a source of endless pleasure and that I love playing with others more than anything! (I get called the queen of the nipple in are house!) . Don’t know what the future holds for my boobies after the babies get here , but I’m hoping for a lot more fun to come!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Ps – Ladies , lets not forget…..boobie

Question time with the girls – Floss, from the ProudToBeKinky Podcast.

Ok so I’m stating now this is going to be a weekly thing and here be give (with the boss man pumishtion) the right to kick my butt if I start slacking off again! I really like doing it and I just need to bluck up the courage and asked people if they want to paly! So that is just what I did! (as my nana used to say you don’t get, if you don’t ask!)

So after being really bold (very un- pixie-like) I ask the wonderful Floss (Floss does life ), from the awesome ProudToBeKinky Podcast, run by herself and her partner, Bakji. I loving listening to their Podcast , so much so it has become my Monday morning ironing podcast that I listen to with my Great Aunty May . Who I add, loves it , thinks floss is a sweetie and Bakji is a dirty little sod, so I highly recommend giving them a listen!

So here it is,

1) Dom/ Sub or Switch, discus? (Babe) Switch! I came to the kink scene thinking I was submissive, I assumed sexual submissive equals D/s submissive. I eventually discovered I was more of a bottom and had a far more light-hearted and playful approach to D/s tha what I initially thought would be my approach. I had some unfortunate encounters when I first tried Topping though and decided it wasn’t for me, despite Bakji being openly switchy when we met. Overtime I became more and more curious about his submissive side, and with his support and encouragement my journey in FemDom was born and I’ve got to be honest, I absolutely love it. FemDom has allowed me to explore so much of myself, in ways I never could have imagined. In the right moment though I do still love a good subby session, so yep, definitely a Switchy Kinkster.
2) What or who is your nemeses? (Pixie) Right now? Futomomo’s. So a rope tie where you bend your knee so your heel is firmly against your buttock, calf firmly against your thigh and then you tie rope around them so they are tied into one little stumpy leg. They are so versatile and not actually difficult, but for some reason my brain hates all the ones I know how to tie and I’m never happy with them.
3) Describe your vanilla self in 5 words and your kinky self in 5 words? (Kitten) Oooh this is a good one. I totally want to steal this for the quickfire questions we do on the podcast. Although now I’ve answered it I realise it’s a really, really hard question.
Vanilla me in five words would be, Mother – Nurturing – Resilient – Deep Thinker – Worrier
Kinky me in Five words would be, Switch – Sadomasochist – Tease – Sensualist – RopeLover
4) If you could have one magic spell, what would it be and why? (Little bear) Magic cleaning like Mary Poppins had. I would love to just be able to just make everything clean and and tidy with minimal effort.
5) What would you do and not do for 5 million £? (All) I wouldn’t do anything that might cause me permanent, life changing bodily harm, anything that would put others in danger, anything that could potentially remove me from my child, or anything that would hurt or harm anyone I love. I would however do most things that don’t come under that category. Money talks for sure, and I am under no illusion that a huge sum of money like that could persuade me to do all sorts of things. What I’d really like to do for £5 million is become a Latex Queen with many Latex minions. This must include a crown and a throne.
6) Who is your favourite writer and why? (Little bear) Ooh tough one. Well mad props have to go to J.K Rowling, purely for the fact I am NEVER bored of Harry Potter. I also read her writing as Robert Galbraith and they’re pretty good too. I haven’t read all his stuff but I think Stephen King is an incredibly skilled writer. Also for fun easy reads I enjoy Linwood Barclay and Cecelia Ahern. When I’m feeling a little more kooky with high brain power I really enjoy Haruki Murakami.
7) Top 3 boy crushes and top 3 girl crushes? (Kitten) I’m going to go for celebrity crushes, just in case a real life crush reads this, I’m not that brave.
Boy Crushes – Kit Harrington – Nick Frost – The Rock (although I think we’re officially meant to call him Dwayne Johnson these days)
Girl Crushes – Ruby Rose (although she makes me hot whatever gender she presents as) – Ashley Graham – Kat Von D
8) What do you do for none kinky fun? (Pixie) Well most of my non-kinky fun happens with my little boy who is 5. We like going to the cinema, going to build-a-bear and lots of going to the park. When I’m on my own without a small human or a Bakji, I like to listen to audiobooks and I don’t watch much TV, but I have recently enjoyed the latest season of Game of Thrones, I also like Masterchef and the Great British Bake Off but we will have to see if I still like that now it’s moved to Channel 4.
9) What is the most embarrassing sex thing to happen to you? (Babe) Hmm … well it takes a fair bit to embarrass me. But earlier in the year Bakji and I were house-sitting for my Dad and his partner. They were due back at 6pm, so at about midday we started a sexy session. We’d brought over our repurposed gym bench that we use to restrain Bakji to and everything. We’d just finished a pretty intense scene, whips, restraints, lube and clothes everywhere … oh and cameras, because we are perverts who film ourselves. When Bakji went to get changed and noticed figured at the door. They had come back 4 hours early without warning. I answered the door and managed to convey we needed some time to gather ourselves together. Luckily I am totally open with my Dad, and him and his girlfriend thought it was hilarious. It was however mildly embarrassing.
10) 5 Places you want to go, but have never been? (all) Harry Potter Studio Tour – Italy, specifically Rome and Vatican City – Mexico – The Ice Hotel in Sweden – So many Kink & Fetish conventions across the world.
Silly question from Little bear:
Who is you favouriting harry potter character? I can only pick one favourite? OMG! That’s like asking a Mother to pick her favourite child, lol. I do love Hermione, I think she is really badass character. Smart, strong, brave and even rebellious but in all the right ways. She always picked just the right moment to reveal how totally kickass she was. I always enjoyed that about her.
Do you have a magic wand? No!! But I want one so bad! One day! I need a wand suitable for a Slytherin, as that’s the house I got sorted into. Apparently my wand would be Laurel Wood with a Pheonix feather core.
What super power would you like? Time travel. Or the ability to stop time.
Are you for or against pop tarts? For, but they have to be very specific flavours. I like chocolatey ones, not so keen on the fruit ones. Although when I was with my ex still we used to have cookies and cream pop tarts sometimes and they were amazing.
Best bubble bath, ever? I love things from the Body Shop, which is a really rare treat. I like things that smell fruity and they cater really well to that. I also really like the Sanctuary Spa products from Boots. We don’t have a bath at the minute though, only a shower. So I usually just try and buy a nice shower gel instead.

I have to say a massive thank you to floss for answering little bears questions , it made her dance round the living room in just her panties!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x