Beaulac Family update – Team Pixie.

So I did post my diary this and won’t next week as it has a lot of stuff in it about stuff we have going on with in are little family unit that the girls want to keep hush-hush. So I have orders to post a family up date. So here we go!

Maîtriser / Boss Man – Well the French man has been working hard as always, but has also been looking after us all tip-top! He has been cooking dinners and breakfast that are to die for. He was amazing when I was stuck in the hospital and came in every night to have dinner with me. He also had a night out with the boys , that he took babe with him. So he came home earlier than we thought, did not drink and he even when and got us all happy meals. (I got fries, fruit and a wrap with salad and spicy mayo, that was lush and also carrot sticks!!) . He has also blown me out the water by saying that he is going to work from home on Thursdays starting in the new year. This means I can leave the little ones with him and go back to my creative writing class. Love you froggy x

Babe – Well what can I say about babe , well as always she is my hero , crush and sexiest woman alive! Work is going much better for her , now that she is working for herself. She has now got a Brand new Hyundai I10 so she can zip round and not have to worry about need to find a huge parking space that she would with the family car! she has also been think about looking at doing one day a week at the local hospital cutting and styling wigs for cancer patients in memory of her sister. She did however end up getting a spanking for being late home and not ring to say she would be late! 20 on each check!

Kitten – we had need to celebrate this week with kitten, she has finally reached her goal weight and gained 5 extra lbs on top of it! work is going well and she is far more relaxed, although I keep distracting her!(but she is cute and yummy). She has been a good little Kitten and has kept up going to her therapy sessions each week, with the help and support of my Aunty May! Kitten also came up with an idea that her and I could set up a little etsy store , selling the Dog collars and bits we make for my dogs and the rescues I work  with. Thinking of calling it Cat and Mouse designs!

Little Bear – My clever little girl is now a fully fledge vet nurse! So we had to have a party for that! while I was in hospital she did most of the cooking and very proudly sent me pics of everything she cooked. She has officially adopted My great-uncle Fred as her granddad and I think she is now his fav none blood granddaughter! He has been giving her cooking lessons too! She did manage to knock a crown out , remembered we keep a kit to fix broken teeth, tried to fix her’s and cermnted herself to the kitchen table!

Mouse / Pixie – Well I’m out of hospital , for now! It was a good job went , if I’m truthful I was bloody frightened this time round. My lips went blue and I was really struggling. I wish this was a one-off , but my chest and lung damage are a daily worry to me, but I’m not letting rule my life! The babies are doing great , but raspberry seems to like laying along my sciatic nerves and that hurts like buggery! So got just over 5 weeks till D-day, how did that get here that quickly! This weekend is nursery prep time! Babe is putting furniture together , kitten and little bear are painting and I get to make it look pretty! I have decided that I’m going to go back to my writing class in the new year, cos I really miss it and it is kind of self-care thing. I am also going back to teaching on a Monday night and even though I’m on leave , I have been planning some course ideas and writing pitches for them. I have also somehow managed to get 7 dogs qualified for crufts in flyball , agility and rally! so I will be shattered after crufts next year!

Well that’s us! How are you all going and what are you up to?

Hugs,

Pixie

Question time with the girls ….. and Chinadoll320.

So uo this week on question time with the girls is the Epic Chinadoll320 a young , newbie sub, who is blogging about all things BDSM and D/s. Great blog and great writing! So here it is , hope you enjoy as much as we did!

Question time with the girls……. With ChinaDoll320.
1. What sort of Submissive are you? Slave, sub, baby girl, little, pet? (babe) I’m definitely a sub with some little and slave thrown in. It kind of depends on my mood at the time.
2. What are you studying at college and why did you choose that? (kitten) I’m studying English Lit because I love to read and decided it might as well count as homework if I was going to do it anyway. I also just love stories, so there’s that, too.
3. Do you have any nicknames and what if so what is the story behind? (mouse) I’ve never actually had that many nicknames. My mom is the one who first called me her China Doll. If only she knew that it was now my kinky, BDSM username. I had a few friends call me Z, and one called me Zar (pronounced like “Tsar”) even though he knew it irked me.
4. What are you top 5 celebrity crushes? (little bear) Hm. They change based on what I’ve been watching recently. In no particular order: Dominic Sherwood, Toby Regbo, Will Tudor (can you tell I have a thing for blonde, British boys?), Gerard Butler, and Michael Fassbender. Just writing that has made me realize I have a lot more celebrity crushes than I thought I did.
5. Where do you see yourself in 5 years from now? (all) Hopefully making a living off the things I love most: writing, freelance editing and website design.
6. Who has had the biggest impact on your outlook on life and why? (babe) My mom. She’s super caring, a strong, independent woman, and is the one who taught me that differences make us beautiful and is not a thing to be fear or to hate.
7. What sports do you do and what would you like to do? (kitten) I danced for many years but kind of fell out of it due to scheduling. I would like to get back to swimming (ear infections be damned). I would also like to return to archery, but I don’t know of any places around where I live (at school or at home) where I could do that.
8. What are you top 5 kinks and why? (Mouse) Spanking (even the idea never fails to make me wet), bondage (giving up my mobility and being at the mercy of my Dom turns me on so much), orgasm control (I can’t say how sexy I think this is), sexual availability (servicing my Dom whenever he wants? Yes, please), and odaxelagnia (sexual arousal from biting or being bitten—it’s just so primal, I love it).
9. What super hero would you be? Wonder Woman, hands down. She is a fighter when she needs to be, is good at negotiation, stands for peace and justice, and is all around amazing.
10. What are your pet peeves about yourself? I can be very judgemental and that bothers me, especially when I turn it on myself—it’s not good. Related to that is my perfectionism. I don’t like my sometimes impatience or impulsivity.
Silly questions from Little Bear (feel free not to answer them)
Where is the treasure hidden? In Neverland.
What is you favoured mythical beast? Dragon. They’re fierce and amazing protectors, symbols of China, bad enemies to have, and hot as hell in shifter romances.
Pink, purple or glitter? Why not all? If I had to pick just one, purple.
Best sweetie ever? Cotton candy (or candy floss).
Where is your favourite place to hang out with friends? I love going to movies with my friends and then chatting with them after as we walk or have dinner, so it’s not one specific place, but a favorite pastime with friends.

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

The Behaviour Modification of Pixie Heart (AKA fixing my broken brain)

 

So a few weeks ago the epic Kayla Lords and John Brownstone’s Loving BDSM Podcast was on positive reinforcement, a subject that is very close to my heart. It is something we use every day at home, but we also use a whole host of conditioning tools, classic and operant conditioning, to Premack and Counter conditioning, with a big old dose of CBT thrown in to the mix for good measure!
I make no apologies for the fact that I suffer from extremely complex health problems, both mental and physical. I have after a lot of therapy, got to a point that I will talk openly about my mental health problems. I think I must a point that I relies that I don’t need to be ashamed by them. Some I have had all my adult life and some are because of being in a violent, abusive relationship for most of my adult life.
So, this is where I fully out my mental health problems, buckle up this might take a while. I suffer from Generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), which is a disorder in which a normal worry to a normal person, to me is Debilitating. It also means that my body has a heighten reaction to stress and worry. I have very serve depression as well, that at its worst has left me house bound and struggling to get out of bed, wash or eat. coupled with this I have extreme phobias and suffer from panic and anxiety attack, that at one point I would have up to 15 a day and again left my unable leave the house. (I am agoraphobic). Then after being raped and nearly beaten to death, I started to suffer from Extreme PTSD, coupled with dissociative episodes. This is still very hard to talk about, but what I know is that it affected me to the point I made a good attempt at ending my life, but my darling kitten found me just in time. (love you baby x). I also suffer with quite bad dyslexia and AADD, both on the AS range.
Well I had been living with all that, well not living sort of existing. But then around 2 years ago something inside changed, I wanted to start living and enjoy my life again, but I needed to make some pretty big changes, but I knew with the help of my darling master I could do it. But I also need to us to use technics that I knew worked and were based in fact and logic. This is where people think I’ve lost the plot on stuff, but bear with me. I work as a dog trainer and behaviourist, I use techniques such classic and operant conditioning all the time. I know it works and it is based in since. It works, I have seen it work, so I decided to run with it! (Adding here that I had the help and support of my therapist on this)
So, we came up with to encourage better mood and motivation using +/- reinforcement. We also decide to tackle destructive thought patterns, that lead negative behaviours, such as putting, hiding my feelings, and self-harm, using +/- punishment. +/- reinforcement, and +/- punishment comes under the banner of operant conditioning and is based on the research of B.F Skinner. Basically, it is the concept that Good consequences encourage repeat behaviour and Bad consequences discourages repeat behaviour. Positive reinforcement, is adding something in to increase likelihood of a behaviour being repeated. Negative reinforcement is removing something to increase the likelihood of the behaviour being repeated. It’s the same with punishment, but instead of increasing the behaviour it decreases the likelihood of it being repeated. So, what the boss man did was got to make reward charts. One for everyday house hold / work stuff/ Homework, like answering emails, food shopping and Doing homework. I also had one for Personal care and D/s stuff. At the end of each day if I get sticker on each of my charts for getting all my ticks, I get a £1 in my Treat money box (it has UNICORNS on it) I can also earn extra stickers and £££ by being extra good, or brave or for doing stuff without being asked. Those stickers can be given to me by the boss man or Babe. At the end of the month I can open my tin and spend the money on whatever I want or carry on in to the next month for even big rewards at the end of the next month. if the is something Massively stressful going on or that is going to take a lot of time to get to, I get rewards along the way and a big goal reward. I should add here that for me rewards are not gifts or treats. A lot of the times they can hugs, item spent as a family, extra free time or not having adult for the rest of a day. For punishment for things like hiding stuff or self harm, I lose my free time and privileges. This does not be loss of time as a family or time with the boss man. If I need comfort or support from him or the girls and I actively ask for that help, I get rewards for that! For putting myself down (which is the biggest thing that the boss man wants me to change) I either get made to write a list of 20 things I like about myself or good stuff I’ve done. Or I have to buy small gifts for 5 friends, write down what I said and then write a list of 5 reasons I’m awesome. (Sir Beasty came up with that idea)
The next thing we started using was classic conditioning. This theory is…

We used this for My panic and anxiety attacks. The biggest thing we did, and this was my CPN’s idea, was trained one of my dogs as a phytologic support dog. She is very laid back and calm, which flitters down to me. she has also been trained to notice my triggers and pull me away from them. So, she is my calm, by having my calm with me I start to identify that having her with me meant I was safe in the places. Also having her with me I have learnt to enjoy new stuff, like being in a group situation or talking in public. We also taught me to have safe places go when I feel the start of an attack coming on.

The next thing we used was counter conditioning to Help me with my Phobias Counter conditioning is basically Changing the emotional response to feared stimulus. For me some of things I fear (Phobias) like being seen necked by a partner and eating in public. For the being naked I got calm gentle encouragement to remove clothes and got to see that the more I show, the more sexually excited the boss man got. For the eating in public started with a calm relaxed pixie, sitting with people calmly eating, then to me having a drink with people eating, and then finally me eating with them.

Then we used one of my favour tools ever! Premack, this is a principle that to get the good reward you must do the less rewarding this first. basically, eat your veggies and you get to have ice cream! This for me is a great motivator. We used It when I was finding it hard to leave the house. If I walked to the gym I got to have a cuddle and training session with Steve (my hot personal trainer) if I went to the super market I got have a hot milk and a ginger bread man. If I went to a hospital appointment I got to have a happy meal afterwards!

The next thing we worked on was breaking bad habits. You will be really shocked to know that I have habits that drive the boss man up the wall! Like leave my car keys on the kitchen table, not tidying away my Lego or colour stuff or hooking the dogs lead on the banisters, so with gentle polite reminds from the boss man and the girls I stop doing the bad habits and start to use the desired good habit. Hanging my keys up, putting things away when finished playing with them and hanging dogs leads in the porch. It is said that it takes 28 to create a habit, and 3 months for that habit to become a behaviour, and you know, for me at least it’s true!
The last big thing the Boss man got me to work on is something I don’t openly talk about, but he thought I needed to include it, as it is a huge part of who I am. So here goes. I’m dyslexic and due to this I find reading, writing, and understanding incredibly hard. I’m not stupid, very far from it. But it does mean that I struggle and find things like reading complex letters, filling in forms, or writing emails that make sense, hard. It also means that I find getting and staying organised hard. I also have a form Of ADHD known as anxious ADD. It basically means that when my anxiety or stress levels are high, my brain kind of seize up. I can’t function, I get angry and frustrated, I come across as rude or aggressive to people. It also means that I have trouble judging peoples tone and meaning, so I find communication hard. With both it means that I find sudden changes to my routine or things happing unexpected knock me for 6 and I will and do sort of shut down.
The biggest thing I must deal with this are rules, limits, structure, and routine. It makes me feel relaxed and safe. Babe has helped me to learn to plan things out, so the is less stress of not knowing what is going to happen when. I have a detailed diary and household planner. Being a creative person it’s all brightly coloured, with sparkles and stickers. Anything written in them in pen , happens no matter what. But if something is written in pencil, it can be rubbed out and does not have to happen. The only people who can write in these are Myself, the boss man and Babe. Although I tend to get little notes from little bear and kitten, saying Boobies or I love you. I also get time outs. I know it sounds a little tot and like I’m a child, but again it works for me. I have two type. One is for when everything gets too much, it is given by Babe or the Boss man. I get sent to my quiet space (aka the box room). With no tech, know talking and sit and calm down. Babe or the boss man will come and check on me 20 mins later, and if I’m calm or crying I get cuddles and can then carry on with my day. I then have time outs that I give myself if I feel panic coming on. I will politely ask to leave what every situation I’m in. I will get my iPod, a drink, and my book, find a safe quiet spot, and calm myself down, before I end up in full on panic. When I feel better I re-join the family and carry on like nothing has happened. But I also have my little space that I go to when I just can’t cope. I will ask the boss man if its ok to and he then sort of takes over thinking for me for a bit. It is the only time that I do 100 % of what he says , without being able to ask questions. It normally involves activates I find calming, such Lego, colouring being read to or watching a Disney film. But it also involves lots of cuddles and reassuring words. The best bit is when I get sleepy and I get to take a nap with kitten!
So that is My/our take on behaviour modification, and how it has helped me. It’s a very personal take on it, but it is what works for me. I’m doing so much better than I was two years ago. I’m happy, steady, and doing things that I thought I was never going to be able to do again. It’s made my relationship with my Dom even more close and special. Its’s not for everyone, but it’s what works for this little pixie!

Blog challenge – Day 2 ‘how have you changed in the past 2 years?’

well it’s day 2 of my blog challenge, and today’s question is how have you changed in the past 2 years? Good question, I really have changed a lot in the last 2 years, on a lot of different levels

To understand how and why I have changed I should properly explain a little about what was going on in my life 2 years ago. It was a year and 3 months post split from my ex and he was waiting trial for assault and rape. I was in the proses of getting a divorce and struggling to cope with day-to-day life, on my own. I had , had my collar for a year , the boss man and the girls had all moved in with me and the boss man was selling his house in Cornwall and france. i was still doing 3 different types of therapy a week and also under a CPA with my local cmht. I was shy , frightened and lacked any conference what so ever. it was at this time that maîtriser started to come to my therapy sessions with me. He started to ask me to try some changes , to see if it would help me get my happy back!

I started to keep my diary everyday and I started to have a daily chore list. I started back at the gym, started to learn yoga and started attending barre classes. I enrolled in some classes at the local college and the open university . I stopped working as a ‘dog walker’ and started my own training business . I started to write a little, as a way to vent what I had going on in my head.

I also made a  lot of changes to my family life, which although were really hard for me to do , helped massively . Firstly I asked for my mum , dad and sisters to give their keys to my house back, So they would no longer just turn up uninvited. I also stopped spending time with either of my parents , without the boss man or the girls being with me. This had the knock on effect of both my sisters doing more for my parents , something they had not really done in the past.

over the next 2 years the boss man helped push myself outside of my comfort zone every signal day. I learnt a lot about who I really was and what I really wanted out of life. I also started to explore how I felt about different kinks and different poly set ups. We settled on an open , poly relationship. We decided that we wanted to all live, sleep and love as one big family group.

So 2 years on I find myself blissfully happy , loved , respected , cared for and getting my conference . I will now stand for myself , speak up and don’t let people put me down. I am never going to be the most confident of people, but I now teach people and dogs. I feel settled and safe for the first time ever. I married the Boss man last December, we have babies on the way. I run my own business and I’m quite in demand as a speaker with in my field. But more than anything , I have stopped hiding , I deal with any problems that come up in my life head on and I am proving people wrong everyday!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Blog Challenge – Day 1 ‘Weird thing you do when your alone’

Oh what a question to start with! I had to really stop and think about this, then I stopped and thought , and was like hang on I’m not weird . It’s you ‘normal’ people that are weird! but then talking to some ‘normal’ friends an it turns out I am a bit of a ‘weirdo’ , so hey hum! I’m going to list them In bullet points, cos I like that , it pleases my funny little head!

  • I talk to my dogs. Not just ‘oh what a lovely girl you are spidie’ or ‘jordie , will you leave mad eyes bum alone’. But like full on conversations. My lurcher Bella has been trained to look after me , so is with me most of the time. She is very used to talking about what I’m doing and about what is happening, hell I even ask her advice on what to wear. The weird thing is I think they understand me and sort of reply to me. (don’t judge)
  • I do house work in the nude. I find it very freeing and get a bit of a kick out of it! I have even been court out by the postman a couple of times;)
  • Lego scene building. I have a really huge love of Lego, and few years ago I found out about building little scene building. What I do is make a back ground , stag a scene and take pics of them. favourite ones to do are ones with monsters or comedy chace scenes!
  • Dancing round the kitchen in the nude. Ok I love dancing, love being in the nude and my kitchen is my favourite room in my house. simples!
  • planning. Ok so not weird so you would think, but …. I have stickers , glitter gel pens and a big old planner. I sit and spread out a cross the kitchen table , put my iPod on super load , sing and plan! its heaven and it is away for
  • I binge watch things on YouTube. things like extreme coupons or super market sweep. I never get to watch crap when the rest of the family , cos their high brow!

So that is my shameful weirdness! So what do any of you do that is a little weird , when your on your lonesome??

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

 

Question time with Sir Beasty.

So you may have heard me go on about ‘Sir Beasty’ before, but none of you have really met him have you?! So I asked him , nicely to do a question time thing for me and the girls, as a sort of getting to know him thing! The Boss man was going to be first up for this, but he had to go work in Paris for a week, so Sir Beasty stepped up and took one for the team! I should explain a little about him and how I know him. Well his a friend of mine who is simply one of the most amazing people who you will ever meet! Sweet , funny and caring . His a very clever guy, our super hero and a very talented dude. He also acts as an online protector to myself and the girls. He is also , strangely one of a like 5 men outside the Boss man who I trust. He is also allowed to tell me off, to shush me and to simmer down. But above all this he is someone who makes me feel safe , loved and makes me laugh at myself! So Big Love and Squeashes to the Beasty for doing this for me! (We loves you whole bunches sir!)

Question time with Sir Beasty.

1. Who inspires you and Why? (Babe)
a. Strong beautiful women inspire me. People who overcome inspire me. Diverse lives with meanings that can be construed as deep, touching, vulnerable… those people inspire me because fear does not limit them, it does not stop them. It inspires them to do more, be more and try… more.
2. Dom, Sub or switch, Discus? (Kitten)
a. Switch – I find it easy to slip into a Dom role when in the right company. I can sense submissive and instantly want to protect them. I can also pick up on dom female personas and naturally like to please.
3. Top sexual Fantasy and why? (little bear)
a. So many… I fantasize about sitting down to study, write or goof off on a game console and a beautiful woman wearing my shirt and heels walks in to the room I am in. She has that look in her eyes says she’s ready to play, to give me anything I want. I ignore her as long as I can, making her wait for what she wants. In some of these fantasies, I am talking on a conference call at work or online with friends and she does everything she can to get me to crack under the pressure. The cat and mouse game goes round and round waiting for one of us to give, to cum and to scream in pleasure.
4. What are your turn ons and turn offs? (Mouse)
a. Confidence, strength and curiosity are turn-ons. Chewing with your mouth open, inane babble and inability to keep up in conversation are turn-offs.
5. Dirty talk, yes or no? examples please? (all)
a. YES – Oh hell yes! That is much easier demonstrated in person
6. What kind of music do you play when you’re about to get your freak on? (kitten and Mouse)
a. New Age, Moby, atmospheric, thunderstorms with a drum beat underlay… so many options. Sexual tempo and temperature change with the tempo of the music.
7. What kinks do you have and what would you like to explore? (babe)
a. I have many kinks, so many. I would explore almost everything given the chance.
8. What are you top 3 strengths? (Little bear)
a. Listening, empathy, ability to give people what they need.
9. Describe your perfect day? (Mouse)
a. When I find it, I will let you know.
10. Best, worst, and most embarrassing sex ever? (all)
a. This will take some time to explain lol
Added to this were the questions are unicorns real? have you seen a mermaid? and where is the treasure hidden? But the boss man said no to them (Meanie)

Since you asked nicely… The treasure is )(*(&(*#(*&(*&#HJD))()*#)(_ _)_#_)_(&*#^*&# *(@#(*^&$)

Well that is Sir beasty! Next up is the Boss Man , if we can get him to sit down and answer the blinking questions! (How much trouble would we get if we sat on him and tickled him till he played ball?!?!)

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

 

All ‘Good things’ come to an end.

So the topic up for debate today Loving BDSM’s 30 days of D/s is when a D/s realstionship ends and how would deal with it. Now I have been with maîtriser for 2 1/2 years, but before that I was with a guy from the age of 17 till just before maîtriser. That was a D/s relationship , but it was not a good or healthy one , for either of us.  I don’t talk openly about it , as it was such a painful things to talk about and in the end it was pretty horrific. But with maîtriser sat with me , holding my hand, I’m going kind of break my silence on it, in the hope that if even one person takes something away from it and it helps them then it will have been worth a few tears and the time it takes to write it down.

I really don’t know where the flip to start . I met my ex when he was 24 and I was 17. He was a in a passion of power (well sort of , I was a 17-year-old college student , so pretty much everyone was), and due to this we had to kind of keep quiet about dating for a couple of years. I guess I should have seen that as a warning light, but hell I was 17 and thought I was in love. We spent the first few years of being together , breaking up and making up, only to break up again. Now I am and always have been very open about the fact I’m bi and when we broke I dated women (love you Kitten!) but when we were back together, the was always the pressure to bring one of my Gf in to the bedroom as well. Which I will openly admit I liked , but he got jealous and shitty if the attention was not on him. Any how when I was about 19 we started to add in the D/s side to things. I had been hang out on the fetish scene and he would come along when home on leave. I think adding the D/s side to us was I n retrospect a really stupid thing for me to allow. It opened up a side of him that was frightening and very dark. But I wa in love and young , and me being me I was to shy and insecure to stand up and say I was unhappy.

Moving forward 6 years or so and things started to go wrong for me on a personal and for us as a couple. I had a sort of break down from working in a job that I worked 7 days a week 13 hours a day. I had stress in my family , my health was suffering and I was homesick. (I was working in paris.). He had become a bully, aggressive and verbally. but I stuck with him , cos I loved him and anyway who would want me any way. Now he was serving in the mideast , and I am pretty sure most people would not of handled seeing what he did and he may very well of had PTSD, but that does not excuse his behaviour, it only serves to explain it. I was bitterly unhappy, I was frightened of him , and with the constant verbal abuse , I felt like I deserved to be treated that way. The D/s side of things had become intense and demanding , but the was never any ‘Aftercare ‘ .  We went on to get married in 2011 and he left the forces in the may of the next year.

But not having the discipline or focuses of a fast-moving job, he started drinking and taking drugs. things at home were awful . he had started to become violent and was using aggression and verbal abuse to get what he wanted in the bedroom. I had been made to feel so vile about myself and hate myself so badly that I just stayed, cos I loved him and cos no one would ever want me, right?

The beatings got worse, the bullying got worse and I hit rock bottom. Then the biggest blow ever came, he had been cheating on me and had got some woman pregnant. He actually had the nerve to step to me and say ‘ I need money to make this go away’. Well something inside me snapped and I lost the plot, hit him and demanded he got out of my house. Well I’m not a little thing, I’m ft 9 and I can handle myself (I used to do door work and I spare and do kick boxing) , but at ft 4 and weigh a lot more than me , he fought back , beat he crap out of me , dragged me to the bed room , raped me and choked me to the point of blacking out. I’m not 100% sure what happened after that , things are hazy . what I do know is that I felt so dirty , used and guilty for letting this happen. the shame I had brought on my family and the fact that I had let them down , again was just too much to deal with, so I took 3 weeks of all my meds, some sleeping pills and a bottle of vodka, downed them all and lay down and waited for it to all end!

Well I fucked that right up, forgetting I had friends who are awesome (love you kitten, babe and Sir Beasty) . Yup I spent a couple of months in hospital getting better and I’m still In therapy . But my friends hugged me so tight that I manged to put myself back together. It has taken everything I have in me to get through all of this, I still have problems and I am very much a work in progress, but I got through it , and have found something so much better and worthwhile.

So what I guess I’m trying to say is , that love should not hurt , unless you ask for that pain. love is not bullying , or black mail or threats. love is respect, trust and care. Even if you are a 24/7 tpe , you have the right to feel safe and loved , and to live without fear. If you  ever find yourself in this portion, leave , talk to someone or scream for help. but above all else it is not your fault,  you have nothing to be ashamed of and no matter what you life is worth so much than you know, so don’t give up! If  can get through this , so can you!

Love, light and hugs,

Pixie x x x x