Day 14 of the Submissive’s Advent Calendar, by Submissive guide – Don’t be afraid to be brave.

So yesterday about being afraid and brave with inn are submission. like being frightened to do something and still doing it. We have a made up word for it Scave , When your scared and brave all at the same time!

The first activity was a simple reflection on the current fears you currently have about your submission, are relationship and within resells . The is also a passage from Slavecraft by Guy Baldwin, and you are asked why do you think he wrote that slavery requires bravery ? the second was second was to make a coupon book. By sitting down and writing a list of thing that you were too afraid to do over the last year , then turning them in to a coupon book , that you can give to your dom , a sort of list of things that you are too scaired to try without a little pushing! I did the first on.

I’m going to say that over the last few days I have been very low and my anxiety levels have gone through the roof. I’m ok and maîtriser has stepped up and is take care of me , but I just felt the need to say.

Now what am I fearfully of as a submissive, hmmmm . Well firstly that I don’t please maîtriser enough or that he will stop wanting me . I now I’m enough and I know his not going any place but it that niggles at the back of my mind , but I’m working on it ! Other worries are I can do the same as the rest of the girls. I mean physically I have limits. I can’t kneel for long periods of time and some of the rope stuff that babe is in to. But the way I have found to deal with it , is to speak up about it and then we find a way to adapt it . I also have things that due to having been abused and hurt really badly by me ex, that I find really hard to do. but again we are working on them . taking them to the point that I get scared and then when it is too much I will use my word for I’m not feel happy with this and we take a few steps back. I think Guy Baldwin saying that with slavery the comes bravery , is true. You are putting your life in someones hands , and it takes a lot of trust to believe that person is not going to do any thing to hurt you and that everything is safe. its even harder if you have had a bad entrance in the past.

Well that is as far as I’ve got . I am going to go cuddle maîtriser now!

Hugs,

Pixiie x x x x

Day 13 of the Submissive’s Advent calendar, by Submissive – Light a candle

So I am writing this while having an English lesion . I should explain that I stated having ‘English lessons ‘ about 15 months ago. I grew up speaking a mixture of Rusin , Irish Gaelic and English, added to this I have dyslexia and Anxious Add , and you will under stand why I struggle with English as much as I do .So maîtriser ask one of his female Dom friends , if one of her subs , who teaches ESL classes, if he would work with me on my English, spelling and grammar and punctuation . So we meet twice a week in a local café . We started off doing spelling and grammar. We then started to add in reading and writing short things. Then he taught me how to plan out what I wanted to write. That was a 15 months ago, and I still love those lessons , not only do I feel that my English is better and my spelling have improved, but I have gained a lot of conference and I am much happier just sitting and writing.

So todays activities are based on lighting a candle, and what that means to you in terms of love and your submission. The first activity was to find a quiet 10 minutes , light a candle and reflect on what it means to you in terms of your submission and love. the second was based round the yule log and using as reflection on the same things. I have been pushed for time over the last few days and the thought of actually going and sitting any place quiet for 10 minutes sounds like heaven.

So I went early this morning to the ladies chapel and light some candles. I always light them here and not in the main church as it tends to be quieter and less busy. I always light 5 candles when I go to church. One for my Nana, friends lost to illness, friends who took their own lives and one for friends I have serving in the armed forces or the emergency services . I light one for my family , and one for the peace process in Ireland to never stop working. I’m a lapsed yet good catholic, church has always in my darkest days been my sanctuary . I have an amazing priest , who would let me sit at the back of the church and calm myself when things at home with my ex were really bad and when he found out he beat me , without stopping for breath said I was worth more and should try to find the courage to leave.

Then I sat and I thought , pondered and reflected. To me I beleave that the submission I have now and the man I chose to submit to are linked and even at the start when it was just a sort of platonic D/s thing, was always given and received with love. I also think that as a poly D/s family we burn far brighter together , than we do alone. I now that I take great strength from my Dom , and I know that getting to the point where we got married and had babies , well the was pain and hurting that I had to get through to be whole and happy. but unlike a candle , I don’t see this as this love and these feelings every burning out. They may grow and evolve , but I will fight to the death to keep this love going as long as it can.

Well after that little out burst of feeling and emotion , it’s time this little pixie to do her spelling test!

 

hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Day 12 of the Submissive’s Advent Calendar, by submissive guide – Proud Mary

Well good evening you wonderfull people doing today? What have you been up to? Anything amazing happened? I was up super early today and in the car, going to a local christmas market , with the twins and my great Uncle Fred. We had a lovely time, i got a new christmas hat and the babies got little elf wooly hats! I was feeling super brave today as well and let Uncle Fred buy me lunch at Carluccio’s. I had Spinach and ricoter canaloin and chocolate bread and butter pudding with cherry ice cream!

Right on to , todays fun! as the tittle might suggest it’s all about taking pride in your submission and shouting it from the roof tops! well a steady ground floor for me as i’m allowed on the roof, ladders, lofts or to stand on chairs, cos i fall off them. the first activaty was to find ways to shout your pride out to the big wide world in what ever way you can. in a blog post , in a tweet or on instagrame . the second was to celabrate your pride in submission , in a quiet , self refelction. thinking about all the things you do and how well you do them. I did the first and the second today.

For the second activaty i did pretty much this . Made a cup of tea, chatted to little bear about why and how we are proud of areselves as submissive, then ate cake. lol thats the sort of day it’s been.

Now for the first , well i kind of think the fact that i where a collar 24/7 is taking pride in my submission. i know my day collar does not scream D/s , but 95% of the time , if asked i will tell people what it means. i also wrote to some friends and told them why i’m proud to say im a sub! they know all ready , but i gave reasons in the letters. i’ve written a blog post about it that im posting tomorrow, about why i love being submissive and how proud i am to say i’m maîtriser Specail girl. I have also made a sort collage with the names i use and then added a ‘And proud’. that i will post on my instagrame feed, that also post to facebook and twitter. I’ve also decided to share some love for my fellow subs on the internet!

Well i am off to shout from my roof tops , well the top floor of my house out the window!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Day 11 of The Submissive’s Advent Calendar, by submissive guide – Pancake identity.

Well Good evening my lovely’s , how has your day been? Anyone snowed in? Or are you all stuck with the horrid wind and rain that we’ve been having? Today has been a day of two halves for me. the first half was full of cooking, baking , clean and crafting. Then it turned to crap this afternoon, but more about that later.

so todays activities are based on a chapter from a book called Conquer me , by Kacie Cunningham, about her own submission. The chapter is tittle ‘this one time at Pancake Camp’  and the is a short excerpt from the book, about titles and labels and how the writer was feeling she did not feel fit them. She goes to say that she was talking to her Master over breakfast and telling him of her frustrations, and how she was not going to ascribe to them any more and that from that point on she would be known as pancake. when asked why pancake her you chose reply was ‘Because you chose pancakes! Because you obviously like pancakes! pancakes are simple, honest things, not all high-mantence like , say, crepes. I want to be something you would order!.

Both the activities are reflecting on the words we use to identify are selves , as submissive. The first was a simple reflection on the words, titles and how they make us feel. the second was to take the reflection and turn them in to an ornament. by taking one word traits like ‘love’ loving’ , then drawing or printing out an image that represents that word and making them pretty and fun using craft surplus. I was going to do the first , but then changed after I got some bad news.

The words and titles I identifier with are Submissive, Little and masochist . The masacist title is something that I kept well hidden for a very long time, as for me it was kind of hard to admit that I liked pain and being hurt, and most people don’t like that. The same with submissive, I mean who would admit to loving their partner dominating them. but as I got more in to the D/s life I saw that I was ‘Normal’ . but it still took a long time to really embrace it fully. Little is something I have found much easier to embrace, and I think this is I saw really positive images of littles and I really read up on it before hand. I knew I did not fit the classic DDlg little or AB little. I’m not in to age play, I don’t call My Dom daddy , and I don’t really have a bratty side. I do have a baby girl side , I like being looked after and I do have my own ‘little space’. I guess that Its more of a caregiver , little thing. I feel my labels fight real well now, but its taken a lot of time. We/I kind adapt the labless mean what we/ I need them to be. sort of they evolve as we grow and change as people.

So now for my bad news. Just before 5 this evening I got a phone call from my Great Aunty Betty saying that my Great Aunty Molly had passed away this morning following a massive stroke yesterday. She was 90 years old and the head of my daddy’s side of the family since my Nana died. She had a bad heart, artheritus and dementia, so really it was a happy release. But it still hit like sucka punch to the stomach and it sitle hurts. Anuty Molly was an amazing lady, who has always marched to her own beat. whether as a young girl who refused to leave school without  taking her exams. or the feisty Irish lass, who ran away to join the wrens and worked as a radio operater in ww2 .or the brave woman who kicked her husband out and divorce her husband , when he beat her. She was amazing , strong , feisty, outspoken and loving. So I have decided not to be sad , but raise a glass , kick up my heals and celebrate having this lady in my life for 37 year!

Right , now I really must go to bed and sleep. I’m off to a Christmas market in the morning!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

 

 

Day 8 & 9 of the Submissive’s advent calendar, by submissive guide – Time to receive and joy in accomplishment.

So, I’m working this weekend and the end of last week was super busy, so last night I chose to sleep instead of blogging! (Self-care at its most basic). But I did yesterdays activates and I sat down and did today’s and wrote this while having my lunch. I got lucky and could take the babies to work with me and the has been a que of people wanting cuddles, some much so I had a 45-min lunch and nothing to do, so I chose to write!
Yesterday activity focus was receiving a complement and excepting it with grace. Now it echoed a lot of stuff that maître has me working on. He and the writer of the calendar made the point that most people do not give a complement wanting something in return. Also, that by saying, that they are just saying it or that someone could do better than you, are putting not only yourself down and the person giving the complement down too! The first activity was to accept complements for the day and do it with a smile and a thank you. The second was to complement yourself through-out the day. I liked the first second one, but maître liked the first, so I did a combination of both!
It was hard for me to keep telling myself I was doing good, as I really struggle with my self-esteem and my sense of self-worth at times. So, I took it slowly and steady. I chose to focus on the things that I feel I’m good at. Like looking after the babies, house work and being a good friend. The later kind of inspired me to sit down and write to a couple of friends, and I told myself that I would make people happy by doing that. I gave my living room and kitchen a good clean, telling myself I was doing a good job and that I was proud of me. I also congratulated myself for making beautiful babies. Now the tough part for me was accepting a complement, without thinking the persona wanted something. But I did it! A friend on twitter said that I was doing well, that I brightened her day and make her smile every day, So I took it and said thank you! My English teacher told me that he is amazed at how much better my spelling is, and again I said thank you and smiled. Then when maître said I looked pretty, I smiled, hugged, and hid a blushing face in his chest!
Today focus was on what I have accomplished this year and celebrating it. The first activity was to sit and make a list of all the things that I have accomplished this year. The second was to sit and think about what I have achieved this year and then think of a way to celebrate it. As I’m at work and a little pushed for time, I chose the second task.
The biggest thing that I have achieved this year is having the twins. For a very long time I thought that I could not have kids, and I told myself I was happy with that, but deep down it killed me. I did want to them very much, so when last year I got engaged, I kind of broke down the whole kid’s thing can be tumbling out my little head. We decided that if I could not get pregnant we would be looking in to adopting, but we also decided that I would come off the pill and see what happened. Well fast forward to now and I have ended up with 2 screaming bundles of joy, that I love more than life itself! Becoming a mum has been amazing for me. It seems to of made it easier for me to deal with life and given me a sense of worth that I have never had before. So, I decided that I should do something to celebrate that, so I phoned the boss man and asked if I could next week go to the baby flick at my local cinema with my great Uncle Fred, and got the thumbs up!

So that is the last 2 days, lets see what tomorrow brings shall we?

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

 

Day 6 of the Submissive’s advent calendar, by Submissive guide – Awareness.

So today on the advent calendar the focus was on awareness of your submission. the was one simple question to ponder, When are you most aware of being owned / submissive. the was one activity for Owned subs and one for unowned subs. the activity for unowned subs was to focus on ways that they serve people. do you help friends and family out ? do you volunteer? what are you maple of and what are you willing to do? the activity for owned subs, was after thinking about when you feel most submissive , to then recall how it feel and what it looks .

sitting down and thinking about it when I feel my most submissive , the one thing that really reminds me I’m owned, is when I kneel at the side of the bed in the evening , and maître changes my day collar, to my leather kitten collar that I sleep in. in the morning , I kneel at the side of the bed and he changes it from my leather kitten collar , back to my silver chain collar. It is something we have done every day we have been together . He will come in from the hall , to find me and the girls if they are home kneeling at the side of the bed. we have are bedtime collar on are knees, eyes looking down. he will ask each of us in turn to sit up on are knees , holding are hair out the way , and will take off are day collar. We then pass are bedtime collar to him, and for the girls he will put it round their necks and buckles it. My bed time collar is ia little different to the girls as it is a locking collar. so he unlocks my purple padlock, puts it round my neck and then buckles and snaps the lock shut, and then orders me to hop in to bed!

it’s hard to describe how this makes me feel. It makes me feel loved , cherished and cared for . It makes me feel small , safe and proceed. It makes me proud to have earnt this collar. it also makes me feel very calm and peaceful in the evening, as it is a reminder that we are tucking in to bed , having are bedtime story and turning the lights out. In turn when it is changed in the morning it is kind of single that my day is starting , that I have my tasks and chores to do and that I need to work hard to make him proud.

the is also the times that it turns from a collar change in to something more. those are times when after he has changed my collar , and he weaves his fingers in my hair and hauls me to my feet. kissing me and leaving knowing who I belong to. he then chucks me on the bed and makes sure I don’t forget that my body belongs to him . and when his through doing that he cuddled me in to my safe place , spooning with my head resting on his shoulder , and reminds me who owns my soul!

So that was todays, lets see what the morning brings.

hugs,

Pixie x x x x

 

letters from the heart….

At the weekend I celebrated one year of marriage to the most amazing man in the world. I don’t say this lightly , but I’m still here because of him. I meet him through Kitten when I was 18 . He was her Dom, but he soon became one of my best friends. He looked out for me when I went out on the fetish scene, guided me and offered advice . We remained friends even when a lot of people walked out of my life due to not being able to cope with me staying in an abusive relationship. are friendship never cross the line in to lovers till years later, although it turns out we both had crushes on each other. When I tried to take my life , and was stuck in hospital and it looked like I was going to be sectioned, he and his girls swooped in and took over. They helped me get well, worked on fixing my broken head and body and supported me till I was able to get back to work. He became my Dom, but the was no sex for the first few months. It was more of a way me have some control in my life and learning to trust people again. Then one night I got fed-up of being horny as hell and only having my hand as company , I crawled in to bed with him , and you can guess the rest!

It has been far from plan sailing. My mental and physical health still needed a lot of work. neither of us would use the L word for a long time. I have a very vivid memory of Sir Beasty joking that I was ‘his girlfriend ‘ and ‘where going to be together for ever’. This got my back up for some reason and I snapped back at him ‘his not mine to keep’ . I cried after that , and I was confused as hell why? Fast forward 6 months and thing were still going strong and I was content for the first time in my life. but things changed when I got a very drunk  phone call from the boss man when he was away for work, saying he loved and missed me. When he got home I was on the war path , and shouted at him ‘don’t you dare tell me ou love me if you don’t fucking mean it’ . little did I know that he would break down and say he meant ever word he had said and that he want an ever after, home and kids with me. after that things went from strength to strength for us and are little poly family.

then in late august 2016 I was in hospital with an infection, when he turned up with a goofy nerves look on his , normally cocky face. He then proceeded to get down on his knee and ask me to marry him. I was sweaty , messy and hooked up to drip and machines, but he managed to make me feel wanted and loved at my lowest point. So I said yes. He then announced he wanted to be married by Christmas! So as soon as I got out of hospital it was wedding prep and arranging at full steam. I’m really lucky to have had a lot of help and it was all sorted and planned with in 10 days. We married in Belfast on December the 6th last year.

Now I did not have all my friends there or much of my family . But it was an amazing day and I was blissfully happy . It was only this weekend past that this email came to light. He sent it to all are kinky friends who could not make it to the wedding. I read and re-read this and cried, so I thought I would share it with you all. (not meaning to be soppy or showy)

Dear friends,

It’s with a huge smile that I say thank you to you all. After 18 years of having my little mouse in my life , at first as a friend, then her protector , then lover , my sub , life partner and now wife, I can not imagine my life without her. You all know too well what she has been through with family, her health and what *!$% did too her. I just want assure you all that from this point forward I’m going keep her safe , make her see how wonderful she is and know that not only I love her , but by so many others. It’s not going to be all smooth sailing, we all know she has health problems. But I will do the up most to keep her from harm. The girls, myself and my little h are so grateful that you are all part of are world . I want to thank my beautiful wife for teaching me the meaning of the words family, trust and courage, as they are the 3 things that she shows me ever minute of everyday. So I say raise your glasses to the Devine Mrs B! May she be in mine and your lives for many years to come.

Antoine Beaulac.

So that is why I love him so much and get all mushy when I talk about him!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x