letter from Maîtriser.

So I have wanted to share this part of are life  for a very long time, but it is only now that Maîtriser agreed to me sharing we you all. I am a girl who loves letters, both writing , receiving and reading them. It is a way that myself, maîtriser and the girls have kept in touch over the years, before i joined the family . It is now a way that we talk to each other  when is something that we have needed to really think about. For Maîtriser it is a way to show how he feels and talk to us one on one. For Maîtriser and i it is are way of being soppy and loving , without everyone knowing! 

The is something about the written word that really moves me on a lot levels . It can calm my mind, insist my curiosity and excite me. I think it is one of the things that made me full in love with maîtriser, the way he has with words blows me away every day!

So I am sharing a letter he sent me a few months back, after I had a melt down and was being vile. I had taken on way to much work, was trying to be more than I needed to be and refusing  to ask for help. he left this by my the bed so I had it as soon as I woke up. (please bear in mind that I have translated this from French to English.)

Dearest little mouse,

Well what can I say little one you have done it again! I don’t know how one girl can get herself in to such a tizzy and that much trouble in the space of 3 days, but you some have done again! You know I have put rules in place for a reason, that I want to keep you safe and from harm, and that everything I do is done with love. It not only hurts yourself, but me as well, when continually put yourself down. You trust me and have excepted my guidance, yet you still don’t believe that you are worthy of being loved by people. Am I stupid or do you think you are beneath me? No , mouse you’re not. You’re my equal, my partner in crime and my special little one, who I adore.
You must understand that I am doing this so you see that you are worthy of being loved, so you can be all that you can and so you can stop these destructive thought and behaviour patterns. Unlike some punishments, I take no pleasure in doing this my love. This hurts me as much as it does you.
So, you know exactly what your transgressions are, I will list them, but keep in mind this not an attack, but is just me stepping in to look after my girl, ok sweetness?
• You put yourself down 17 times in 3 days.
• Your spoke with your mother, without myself or babe being with you.
• You allowed your sister to belittle you in church, by saying ‘oh she’s just a housewife’
• You refused to allow kitten to offer you comfort when she offered you a hug.
• You clean on Friday for 5 hours, instead of the 2 hours we had agreed
• You spoke in a raised and disrespectful way to your Aunt May and your friend Emit.
• You refused to eat dinner with the rest of the family on Friday and Saturday night.
• You ‘Forgot’ to ask for and take anxiety medication, when you needed it
• You went out and did not take your phone.
• You did not talk to me or babe when you were having a hard time.
• You were grumpy with little bear this morning and did not say sorry to her.
• You did not ask for help when you needed it.
It pains me to do this , but as punishment you are losing you free time for the next 2 weeks. You will be expected to let Babe or I know where you are at all times. As well I will be setting you a few goals that I want you to finish to a level that will make me happy and proud. We will be spending time as a family at home and at the open mic nights at the britaina, with the aim of getting you to relax and enjoy yourself. Billie will be coming 4 times a week for your English class instead of 2. also, you are to allow Kitten or little bear to help with your classes and admin. You are to give all 3 of the girl’s extra chores around the house. You are not to see your sisters, brother in-laws or nieces or nephews without me or to agree to Baby sit without asking me first. you are to shower with me every evening, your bedtime for the next 2 weeks is 10pm and you are not allowed out of bed in the morning 6.30 am. I want you to keep a food diary every day, do you pulse ox, peak flow and bs level 4 times a day. You will also be doing 4 training sessions with Steve, yoga every morning and swimming with me twice a week. You are to up your mindfulness exercises to 4 times a day as well. I will review this at the end of the 2 weeks.
Know that I only do this out of love little one, it is for your own good. You can’t see it, but you are suffering from trying to do too much for too many people. The is no shame in asking for help when you are struggling or for breaking down a little when things get too much. You do not need to be all things to all people. For now, I want you to take care of yourself, do as you are told and to make me proud, that is it, do you understand?
I will see you this evening little one,
All my love,
maîtriser X

Well hope you enjoyed it,

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Beaulac Family update – Team Pixie.

So I did post my diary this and won’t next week as it has a lot of stuff in it about stuff we have going on with in are little family unit that the girls want to keep hush-hush. So I have orders to post a family up date. So here we go!

Maîtriser / Boss Man – Well the French man has been working hard as always, but has also been looking after us all tip-top! He has been cooking dinners and breakfast that are to die for. He was amazing when I was stuck in the hospital and came in every night to have dinner with me. He also had a night out with the boys , that he took babe with him. So he came home earlier than we thought, did not drink and he even when and got us all happy meals. (I got fries, fruit and a wrap with salad and spicy mayo, that was lush and also carrot sticks!!) . He has also blown me out the water by saying that he is going to work from home on Thursdays starting in the new year. This means I can leave the little ones with him and go back to my creative writing class. Love you froggy x

Babe – Well what can I say about babe , well as always she is my hero , crush and sexiest woman alive! Work is going much better for her , now that she is working for herself. She has now got a Brand new Hyundai I10 so she can zip round and not have to worry about need to find a huge parking space that she would with the family car! she has also been think about looking at doing one day a week at the local hospital cutting and styling wigs for cancer patients in memory of her sister. She did however end up getting a spanking for being late home and not ring to say she would be late! 20 on each check!

Kitten – we had need to celebrate this week with kitten, she has finally reached her goal weight and gained 5 extra lbs on top of it! work is going well and she is far more relaxed, although I keep distracting her!(but she is cute and yummy). She has been a good little Kitten and has kept up going to her therapy sessions each week, with the help and support of my Aunty May! Kitten also came up with an idea that her and I could set up a little etsy store , selling the Dog collars and bits we make for my dogs and the rescues I work  with. Thinking of calling it Cat and Mouse designs!

Little Bear – My clever little girl is now a fully fledge vet nurse! So we had to have a party for that! while I was in hospital she did most of the cooking and very proudly sent me pics of everything she cooked. She has officially adopted My great-uncle Fred as her granddad and I think she is now his fav none blood granddaughter! He has been giving her cooking lessons too! She did manage to knock a crown out , remembered we keep a kit to fix broken teeth, tried to fix her’s and cermnted herself to the kitchen table!

Mouse / Pixie – Well I’m out of hospital , for now! It was a good job went , if I’m truthful I was bloody frightened this time round. My lips went blue and I was really struggling. I wish this was a one-off , but my chest and lung damage are a daily worry to me, but I’m not letting rule my life! The babies are doing great , but raspberry seems to like laying along my sciatic nerves and that hurts like buggery! So got just over 5 weeks till D-day, how did that get here that quickly! This weekend is nursery prep time! Babe is putting furniture together , kitten and little bear are painting and I get to make it look pretty! I have decided that I’m going to go back to my writing class in the new year, cos I really miss it and it is kind of self-care thing. I am also going back to teaching on a Monday night and even though I’m on leave , I have been planning some course ideas and writing pitches for them. I have also somehow managed to get 7 dogs qualified for crufts in flyball , agility and rally! so I will be shattered after crufts next year!

Well that’s us! How are you all going and what are you up to?

Hugs,

Pixie

Question time with the girls ….. and Chinadoll320.

So uo this week on question time with the girls is the Epic Chinadoll320 a young , newbie sub, who is blogging about all things BDSM and D/s. Great blog and great writing! So here it is , hope you enjoy as much as we did!

Question time with the girls……. With ChinaDoll320.
1. What sort of Submissive are you? Slave, sub, baby girl, little, pet? (babe) I’m definitely a sub with some little and slave thrown in. It kind of depends on my mood at the time.
2. What are you studying at college and why did you choose that? (kitten) I’m studying English Lit because I love to read and decided it might as well count as homework if I was going to do it anyway. I also just love stories, so there’s that, too.
3. Do you have any nicknames and what if so what is the story behind? (mouse) I’ve never actually had that many nicknames. My mom is the one who first called me her China Doll. If only she knew that it was now my kinky, BDSM username. I had a few friends call me Z, and one called me Zar (pronounced like “Tsar”) even though he knew it irked me.
4. What are you top 5 celebrity crushes? (little bear) Hm. They change based on what I’ve been watching recently. In no particular order: Dominic Sherwood, Toby Regbo, Will Tudor (can you tell I have a thing for blonde, British boys?), Gerard Butler, and Michael Fassbender. Just writing that has made me realize I have a lot more celebrity crushes than I thought I did.
5. Where do you see yourself in 5 years from now? (all) Hopefully making a living off the things I love most: writing, freelance editing and website design.
6. Who has had the biggest impact on your outlook on life and why? (babe) My mom. She’s super caring, a strong, independent woman, and is the one who taught me that differences make us beautiful and is not a thing to be fear or to hate.
7. What sports do you do and what would you like to do? (kitten) I danced for many years but kind of fell out of it due to scheduling. I would like to get back to swimming (ear infections be damned). I would also like to return to archery, but I don’t know of any places around where I live (at school or at home) where I could do that.
8. What are you top 5 kinks and why? (Mouse) Spanking (even the idea never fails to make me wet), bondage (giving up my mobility and being at the mercy of my Dom turns me on so much), orgasm control (I can’t say how sexy I think this is), sexual availability (servicing my Dom whenever he wants? Yes, please), and odaxelagnia (sexual arousal from biting or being bitten—it’s just so primal, I love it).
9. What super hero would you be? Wonder Woman, hands down. She is a fighter when she needs to be, is good at negotiation, stands for peace and justice, and is all around amazing.
10. What are your pet peeves about yourself? I can be very judgemental and that bothers me, especially when I turn it on myself—it’s not good. Related to that is my perfectionism. I don’t like my sometimes impatience or impulsivity.
Silly questions from Little Bear (feel free not to answer them)
Where is the treasure hidden? In Neverland.
What is you favoured mythical beast? Dragon. They’re fierce and amazing protectors, symbols of China, bad enemies to have, and hot as hell in shifter romances.
Pink, purple or glitter? Why not all? If I had to pick just one, purple.
Best sweetie ever? Cotton candy (or candy floss).
Where is your favourite place to hang out with friends? I love going to movies with my friends and then chatting with them after as we walk or have dinner, so it’s not one specific place, but a favorite pastime with friends.

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

DOH!

So when I emailed the awesome Mr John Brownstoneand asked him if he would do question time for us , the was a slight miscommunication. He thought we wanted questions to answer and we meant for him to answer! Belive me its a very common  with me and emails! So he sent us awesome questions, but we sent him some and sorted it out (Question time with John Brownstone (aka the Wood Dude) ). But the Boss Man read his questions and sort of told to answer them as a ‘Home work’ sort of thing. Well babies, falling down the stairs and hospital got in the way , but I have at last done them and here they be!

With so many members in your household, how do you manage alone or personal time?
So yes, alone, and personal time can be a bit of a flash point. For personal time with each other, we kind of break it up in to 3 areas. First and most importantly we have a family date day / night once a week. That is the time that we spend quality time with each other, phones off, no talk of work or school, just us all together doing something. Lately We have been doing a lot of day trips to museums, art galleries and cinema outings, oh and the is always food involved. Then the ins are weekly ‘Girl Dates’. Which pretty much says it all! Us girls go out, have a giggle, and enjoy some time away from the house. Lol if alcohol is involved one of us stays sober. If kitten is drinking we must keep an eye on her cos she wanders off and finds some place to take a nap (boots of cars, under a table, the cupboard under the stairs). Then we have been dates with the boss man. These are weekly and are normally 3 hours long. We get to pick something we want to do. Little bear normally asks to go out for a milkshake or to the cinema. Babe always wants to go out for beer and pool or a poker game. Kitten likes sporty things, so for her it rock climbing or swimming. Me well I like going out for breakfast and to the bookstore.
As for alone time, well we have a couple of rules that keep thing working. If a door is shut, knock, and wait for an answer, if you get come in, then you can go in. no answer or go away, you leave them alone. For the rest of the time doors are always open and anyone who wants to come in can. Lol that’s why I always cook massive meals, cos I always end up with more people than I think I’m feeding! Babe and Kitten are allowed as much free time as they want. Little bear tends to want to be with someone most of the time. For me, well I get 1 hour of free time a day. That 1 hour of free time was a birthday present from the boss man, after 12 months of not hurting myself and sticking with therapy. I will also get extra free time as a reward. It will sound silly, but when I’m allowed a 20-min bath on my own with the door shut, I know I’ve really earnt it!
Is there a hierarchy between you all (obviously Bosman is in charge) but say do you defer to babe, or little bear defer to you or are you all in some ways equal?
Yes, so the Boss man is the one in charge, but if he is not around it’s babe who is left in charge. But apart from that us girls are pretty much equal. None of us see each other as a second or lesser partner. We all have areas of family life that we are responsible for. Babe is sort of in charge of fixing thing and cars and gardens. Kitten is the family Admin / office girl. Little bear is head of the cheer squad and planning parties and anything fluffy. I run the house and look after anyone if they are sick. We play to are strengths! I think one of the things that keeps everything running smoothly is that we all use good manners. We always use please and thank you, ask before we touch each other’s stuff and we don’t really do swearing or shouting. We also all kind of know that the Boss man will only ever do or say stuff for our own good, but that we can ask questions, if we are polite and respectful. We also kind of have a family meeting once a week and that is where we can raise problems, worries or peeves!
• The Boss man added to this ‘For the love of god do not even think of letting little bear be in charge! We would spend ae time in onesies, eating pop tarts and watching Disney!!

I don’t remember if I asked this before (I know I did ask how you met everyone else) but how did you all come together as a family and was it difficult to have everyone come together and work as a family.
Hmmm that is a long story, so I will try to keep it brief! Kitten met the boss man when she was a young newbie on the fetish scene. (he was only like 33 then!) she was trying to deal with some demons and he was guy who would look out for her and look after her. I met kitten at uni and we dated when I split up from my bf (later my husband, a-whole). She took me to meet her ‘fetish’ friends and he sort of took me under his wing. As time went on kitten became his sub, but he still acted as a sort of protector for me. (this is where I say I was so jealous of kitten and of what she has with him. I also had a huge crush on him and wish I had said many years ago. I love you froggie!). We all new Babe, not as a sub, but as a very Dom mistress who was married to her male sub. But he cheated on her (TWAT) and poor babe took it hard and almost lost everything. So, the boss man offered her his spare room and some safety. But after a night of heavy drinking and sex (his very good at getting in a girl nickers) Babe asked to be his sub. We all stayed friends, but I kind of drift away a little. I was working hard, in a shitty place with my love life, and my health was not great. Well to cut to the Chace, my husband raped and beat me up badly, I went bonkers and tried to kill myself. Lucky, I fucked it up, but I was in a bad way and in hospital. That is when They all kind of swept in to look after me for a while. Well after a while I kind of started fucking the boss man, that lead to playing with the girls, then it turned a little kinky and snowballed. I’m Going to state now, that the D/s side of things had been there from pretty much day one, just not formal. The collar came 6 months in and I will also say having the boss man in my life has been life changing. I’ve got through the hardest, lowest, and most awful stuff with his help. Him and the girls lived together and I wanted to be with them, but not wanting to move to London, they all moved in with me. (I own my home and live 30 mins from waterloo by train) A few months on little bear came timbering into are lives! She was a sub we played with, who we all loved to pieces, who’s boyfriend worked over seas a lot and who was barely getting by. Well we had a spear room and it just made sense. She paid a little rent, did chores, and went to school. When her boyfriend was in the UK, he stays with us! But it soon turned to the D/s when she wanted to play with us more often and her other half suggest she could maybe be the Boss man’s sub and his Baby girl. Tis some very complex arrangements, but it works for us! Lol my Great Aunty May says, we are all little broken and falling apart, but we helped each other to put arises back together.
I believe I saw you mention in an earlier blog post that you also meet other people outside of your family. What rules do you all have for meeting others and playing outside of your family?
Oh this is a fabrication question! Yup we have rules round this, very much so! Firstly, we can ‘play’ with who we want, if the Boss man approves of them and trust me he is very fussy about who play with! The girls must let him/ us know where they are, with who and what they are doing always. They must practice safe sex always. They are also to keep their collars on always. For me it’s different, as I’m married to the boss man. I don’t play with anyone outside of the family unless I have the boss man with me. Lol he loves watching and telling others what to do to me so it works well that, that is one of my fav kinks! But are ‘Family’ is not just the boss man, me, and the girls. We have friends we have all known for a long time and we play with at home. us girls are all bi and love women a great deal, so we have a fair few ladies who will join us. Kitten and I have 3 mistresses that we can be subbie with (if the BMW is with us!) same goes for us all with sub flames. Babe has a couple of male sub pets that will come stay with us at times. all of us have other guys we like fucking as well. If we not some alone adult time, we have spare rooms and the girls can go play there. We also have Adult sort of ‘Sleepovers’ where we have people over, play and fuck and then have breakfast together. The Boss man also lets all of us go out ‘on the pull’, on are girl dates. Basically, we go out, get off with guys and or girls and then take their numbers. Kissing and groping is allowed, but no more. When out like that we are not allowed out of sight of babe and if drinking one of us stays sober. I guess what it boils down to is that we can do what or who we like, if we ask first and don’t hide it from each other!

Hope you enjoyed!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

From the heart, it’s been a tough week!

So this week has been really tough going for this little pixie poo! You know when you have so many thing going on, some really Big Frightening growed up things! Add in some really emotional stuff and not sleeping to good, but having to Adult and get shit done , and well I’ve been a very needy and wanty little pixie as well!

One of the biggest things I have had going on is my mental health and being pregnant. Not so much my actual mental health, more the management of it . A number of weeks back I asked my cpn for more help . Well I have got the help I need and I can not sing the praises of my Cpn and the cmht. But the is an on the flip side a little bit of a downer. Social services had to be told that I was having a relapse of my depression. They then had to go through a risks assessment proses to look at whether I was / will be able to cope when pea-nut and raspberry get here. Now don’t get me wrong , this has been upsetting and stresful in its self,  but I was happy to go through it. Growing up I lived with a mother who worked every hour god sent, out of choice, who in later years we found out is an alcoholic. My daddy, who I love with my whole hear,t suffers with bipolar disorder. Now when he was on meds he was amazing. But when he was off them, well it was not fun. I have seen him so low he has hurt himself and even found him O.D once. I have also seen him so manic he has had to be held down to be sedated. no child should ever have to see this. But my dad also when ill, seemed to want to take his frustration out on someone, and that person was me. now if back then the mental health and social services had stepped in , maybe I would not of had the crap kicked out of me and just maybe I would not be quite the mess I am today. (I’m not moaning , it’s made me strong and who I am!) So knowing that social services are on the ball has also been a sort of comfort. Well as of Thursday lunch time , I can say that I no longer have to worry about it as I got the thumbs up and a green light as being ok to be a mum! Saying that I do have a low mood , but I taking steps to deal with it in a proactive way. That I have a tight and supportive family , who are helping and that will step in and call for help if needed!

This week I have also had to deal with the (hopefully) last thing to do with my ex. He went to prison for rape and aggravated assault against me. But last year he was charged with more assaults and sexual assult of a person under the age of consent. I had to go to the police station and answer questions about it but they found that I had no knowledge of what he had been up to. (Trust me if I had known I would of gone to the police myself) . It went to court and he was found guilty of all charges, and on Wednesday he was hand more time in prison. now this is the odd part on my side, I want , no needed to go see him being sentenced. I guess I want to go prove him wrong that I am loved , that some one would want to have babies with me and show him that his not broken my spirt!

It’s not been a total nightmare of a week though. My best friend Emit (I have like 5 best friends) has come over for a 3 week visit from the states! he has just broken up with his partner of 18 years, and wanted some place where he could just get over it and not have people trying to set him up on dates all the time! its been so nice having him here, we are both very sierra. His Submissive, love musicals and is almost as ocd about cleaning as me! not that this will sound fun to anyone but me, but we spent 3 days just tidying the bits I can’t do on my own. He gets on with the girls and they love he to pieces. but the best thing was him saying, that he likes the boss man and that he thinks his been really good for me!

I have also got myself a little more organised re-blogs and writing . I have cleared a space to write and have some quiet time. I have got a list of things I want to get done before babies turn up and what we still need to get! I have also started to feel like the yucky gunk of depression lifting a little. So on the whole it’s all good!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

The Behaviour Modification of Pixie Heart (AKA fixing my broken brain)

 

So a few weeks ago the epic Kayla Lords and John Brownstone’s Loving BDSM Podcast was on positive reinforcement, a subject that is very close to my heart. It is something we use every day at home, but we also use a whole host of conditioning tools, classic and operant conditioning, to Premack and Counter conditioning, with a big old dose of CBT thrown in to the mix for good measure!
I make no apologies for the fact that I suffer from extremely complex health problems, both mental and physical. I have after a lot of therapy, got to a point that I will talk openly about my mental health problems. I think I must a point that I relies that I don’t need to be ashamed by them. Some I have had all my adult life and some are because of being in a violent, abusive relationship for most of my adult life.
So, this is where I fully out my mental health problems, buckle up this might take a while. I suffer from Generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), which is a disorder in which a normal worry to a normal person, to me is Debilitating. It also means that my body has a heighten reaction to stress and worry. I have very serve depression as well, that at its worst has left me house bound and struggling to get out of bed, wash or eat. coupled with this I have extreme phobias and suffer from panic and anxiety attack, that at one point I would have up to 15 a day and again left my unable leave the house. (I am agoraphobic). Then after being raped and nearly beaten to death, I started to suffer from Extreme PTSD, coupled with dissociative episodes. This is still very hard to talk about, but what I know is that it affected me to the point I made a good attempt at ending my life, but my darling kitten found me just in time. (love you baby x). I also suffer with quite bad dyslexia and AADD, both on the AS range.
Well I had been living with all that, well not living sort of existing. But then around 2 years ago something inside changed, I wanted to start living and enjoy my life again, but I needed to make some pretty big changes, but I knew with the help of my darling master I could do it. But I also need to us to use technics that I knew worked and were based in fact and logic. This is where people think I’ve lost the plot on stuff, but bear with me. I work as a dog trainer and behaviourist, I use techniques such classic and operant conditioning all the time. I know it works and it is based in since. It works, I have seen it work, so I decided to run with it! (Adding here that I had the help and support of my therapist on this)
So, we came up with to encourage better mood and motivation using +/- reinforcement. We also decide to tackle destructive thought patterns, that lead negative behaviours, such as putting, hiding my feelings, and self-harm, using +/- punishment. +/- reinforcement, and +/- punishment comes under the banner of operant conditioning and is based on the research of B.F Skinner. Basically, it is the concept that Good consequences encourage repeat behaviour and Bad consequences discourages repeat behaviour. Positive reinforcement, is adding something in to increase likelihood of a behaviour being repeated. Negative reinforcement is removing something to increase the likelihood of the behaviour being repeated. It’s the same with punishment, but instead of increasing the behaviour it decreases the likelihood of it being repeated. So, what the boss man did was got to make reward charts. One for everyday house hold / work stuff/ Homework, like answering emails, food shopping and Doing homework. I also had one for Personal care and D/s stuff. At the end of each day if I get sticker on each of my charts for getting all my ticks, I get a £1 in my Treat money box (it has UNICORNS on it) I can also earn extra stickers and £££ by being extra good, or brave or for doing stuff without being asked. Those stickers can be given to me by the boss man or Babe. At the end of the month I can open my tin and spend the money on whatever I want or carry on in to the next month for even big rewards at the end of the next month. if the is something Massively stressful going on or that is going to take a lot of time to get to, I get rewards along the way and a big goal reward. I should add here that for me rewards are not gifts or treats. A lot of the times they can hugs, item spent as a family, extra free time or not having adult for the rest of a day. For punishment for things like hiding stuff or self harm, I lose my free time and privileges. This does not be loss of time as a family or time with the boss man. If I need comfort or support from him or the girls and I actively ask for that help, I get rewards for that! For putting myself down (which is the biggest thing that the boss man wants me to change) I either get made to write a list of 20 things I like about myself or good stuff I’ve done. Or I have to buy small gifts for 5 friends, write down what I said and then write a list of 5 reasons I’m awesome. (Sir Beasty came up with that idea)
The next thing we started using was classic conditioning. This theory is…

We used this for My panic and anxiety attacks. The biggest thing we did, and this was my CPN’s idea, was trained one of my dogs as a phytologic support dog. She is very laid back and calm, which flitters down to me. she has also been trained to notice my triggers and pull me away from them. So, she is my calm, by having my calm with me I start to identify that having her with me meant I was safe in the places. Also having her with me I have learnt to enjoy new stuff, like being in a group situation or talking in public. We also taught me to have safe places go when I feel the start of an attack coming on.

The next thing we used was counter conditioning to Help me with my Phobias Counter conditioning is basically Changing the emotional response to feared stimulus. For me some of things I fear (Phobias) like being seen necked by a partner and eating in public. For the being naked I got calm gentle encouragement to remove clothes and got to see that the more I show, the more sexually excited the boss man got. For the eating in public started with a calm relaxed pixie, sitting with people calmly eating, then to me having a drink with people eating, and then finally me eating with them.

Then we used one of my favour tools ever! Premack, this is a principle that to get the good reward you must do the less rewarding this first. basically, eat your veggies and you get to have ice cream! This for me is a great motivator. We used It when I was finding it hard to leave the house. If I walked to the gym I got to have a cuddle and training session with Steve (my hot personal trainer) if I went to the super market I got have a hot milk and a ginger bread man. If I went to a hospital appointment I got to have a happy meal afterwards!

The next thing we worked on was breaking bad habits. You will be really shocked to know that I have habits that drive the boss man up the wall! Like leave my car keys on the kitchen table, not tidying away my Lego or colour stuff or hooking the dogs lead on the banisters, so with gentle polite reminds from the boss man and the girls I stop doing the bad habits and start to use the desired good habit. Hanging my keys up, putting things away when finished playing with them and hanging dogs leads in the porch. It is said that it takes 28 to create a habit, and 3 months for that habit to become a behaviour, and you know, for me at least it’s true!
The last big thing the Boss man got me to work on is something I don’t openly talk about, but he thought I needed to include it, as it is a huge part of who I am. So here goes. I’m dyslexic and due to this I find reading, writing, and understanding incredibly hard. I’m not stupid, very far from it. But it does mean that I struggle and find things like reading complex letters, filling in forms, or writing emails that make sense, hard. It also means that I find getting and staying organised hard. I also have a form Of ADHD known as anxious ADD. It basically means that when my anxiety or stress levels are high, my brain kind of seize up. I can’t function, I get angry and frustrated, I come across as rude or aggressive to people. It also means that I have trouble judging peoples tone and meaning, so I find communication hard. With both it means that I find sudden changes to my routine or things happing unexpected knock me for 6 and I will and do sort of shut down.
The biggest thing I must deal with this are rules, limits, structure, and routine. It makes me feel relaxed and safe. Babe has helped me to learn to plan things out, so the is less stress of not knowing what is going to happen when. I have a detailed diary and household planner. Being a creative person it’s all brightly coloured, with sparkles and stickers. Anything written in them in pen , happens no matter what. But if something is written in pencil, it can be rubbed out and does not have to happen. The only people who can write in these are Myself, the boss man and Babe. Although I tend to get little notes from little bear and kitten, saying Boobies or I love you. I also get time outs. I know it sounds a little tot and like I’m a child, but again it works for me. I have two type. One is for when everything gets too much, it is given by Babe or the Boss man. I get sent to my quiet space (aka the box room). With no tech, know talking and sit and calm down. Babe or the boss man will come and check on me 20 mins later, and if I’m calm or crying I get cuddles and can then carry on with my day. I then have time outs that I give myself if I feel panic coming on. I will politely ask to leave what every situation I’m in. I will get my iPod, a drink, and my book, find a safe quiet spot, and calm myself down, before I end up in full on panic. When I feel better I re-join the family and carry on like nothing has happened. But I also have my little space that I go to when I just can’t cope. I will ask the boss man if its ok to and he then sort of takes over thinking for me for a bit. It is the only time that I do 100 % of what he says , without being able to ask questions. It normally involves activates I find calming, such Lego, colouring being read to or watching a Disney film. But it also involves lots of cuddles and reassuring words. The best bit is when I get sleepy and I get to take a nap with kitten!
So that is My/our take on behaviour modification, and how it has helped me. It’s a very personal take on it, but it is what works for me. I’m doing so much better than I was two years ago. I’m happy, steady, and doing things that I thought I was never going to be able to do again. It’s made my relationship with my Dom even more close and special. Its’s not for everyone, but it’s what works for this little pixie!

From the Heart….

So this afternoon I woke up from my nap to a new Dm in my inbox on twitter, which is really quite exciting in my little world! But on opening and reading it my little world turned dark and grey. Someone had decided my use of the English langue , its quirky grammer and frankly bonkers way of spelling things, had offended them so much that they felt the overwhelming need to tell me and point out my failings. Which is super helpful of them , but in my eyes not very kind or thoughtful.

Now don’t get me wrong , I now I suck at spelling and grammar, I really do. But I do have reasons that I suck at it. I grew up in a house hold that spoke a mix of Irish Gaelic and Russian. I started to learn English when I was about 3 or 4 , but it took ages for me to pick it up. I was also a really shy little girl and had two wonderful big sisters that did most of my talking for me. That is one of the reasons the boss man calls me mouse, cos at times I’m so quiet , you would not know I’m there!

I am also dyslexic, which made reading and writing tougher than hell. it does not affect my number skills or my ability to understand things like science, history or geography. it does mean that I found it hard learning at school hard and that I get confused with big words and complex instructions. But I found ways to adapt and learn. I found that if I record what people are saying and play it back , I sticks in my brain. I can watch someone doing something and pick it up pretty quickly. I also pushed myself in the things I was good at, like art , design and science . I passed my gcses , alevels and went to uni getting a degree and masters in textiles and custom design. I

A few years ago I decided to retrain as a dog trainer and along side this I did some English and Itc courses. As I was dyslexic they offered testing to see if the was any extra help they could offer. it turned out that I also have a form of ADD . That means when I get anxious , which is most of the time , my brain sort of seizes up and I can’t do anything. it means I can be rude , distracted and if really bad aggressive . Finding out this explained a lot of things, such as not being able to judge people tones, some of the trouble I have with social interactions and shyness. i have learned tons of ways to deal with life. Like if I am really organised and sit down and plan things out , I can pretty much do anything. With help I got I went on to gain a second degree and masters , this time in canine psychologic, training and welfare.

So you see I’m not stupid, I just have a hell of a lot of stuff going against me when it comes to the English langue! I just want to say and ask people, please , please think before you Comment on other people’s post, tweets or updates. You never know what is hiding behind it. your ‘Kind words’ might not be met with a smile and a thank you. Luckey I vented on twitter and got support (go twitter pervs!). In days gone past I would have turn it on myself, beat myself up and more than likely ended up cutting myself. So again I say please think before you say things, you may curse more harm than good!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x