His voice. 

I hate working away from home. The 12-hour days spent setting up the class room, the question that I have had to answer a 1000 time before, then the packing away, only to come back and start all over in the morning. The worst part is the drive to the budget chain hotel, to my bland, generic room and a long evening of tv and myself deal with. But tonight is going a little better than most nights, as I have my darling kitten with me, we have permission to play and we have a call from maîtriser to look forward too!
We are under orders to be fed, bathed and in pj’s by the time he calls at 8 pm. So that’s how we come to be perched on the end of the bed, with Kittens phone between us, counting down the seconds till he rings weirdly it’s his voice I miss the most, after the way he feels when I cuddle him. It has the ability to make my do as I’m told one minute, to make me smile the next and wet and horny the next. It can calm, arouses and command all at the same time. His thick French accent, with a hint of Italian and your occasional slip of the tongue that tells of your time spent living in the west country.
Lost in a slight day dream I nearly jump out of my skin when kittens phone starts to blare out his ring tone of ‘all my friends’ By Dermot Kennedy starts to play. I think kitten must have been thinking the same as me, as her sacking hand reaches for the phone and she slide the lock screen and hits the answer button and then speaker. ‘Hello’ she says in a small voice that is very much her being shy and nervous.
Then comes his voice in a thick droll and steady as always, ‘Hello kitten, hello mouse, how are both my little ones? Have you been behaving? Have you been good girls for me?’ It’s with these word that I’m lost, I breath out a sigh I did not know I had been holding in. My shoulder hunch as I relax, letting all the stress of the day go and let the feeling of being safe and love, wash over me. God how I have missed him.
Kitten and I turn to face each other with the phone between us. sitting crossed legged on the bed, tucking feet underneath. We chatter away about what we have been doing and how are days have been. Having turned to face Kitten I feel a little distracted, but then I always do when it comes to Kitten. She is so damn beautiful it takes my breath away. Shifting a little, my knee bumps hers, I look up at her big brown eyes and blush. ‘So how did your course go little mouse?’ I hear coming from the phone, but It barely registers in my fuddled little brain.
‘hmmmm. Yes, what was that’. which is met with a shocked look on kitten’s face and stony silence from the other end of the line. Then clearing of his throat and ‘Mouse what did I just ask you?’. I panic and try I recall what he said, but I just can’t. I know not to umm or ahhh about thing or try to stall when asked something. So, I chose to fess up.
‘I don’t know, I was too busy looking at Kitten and thinking about doing stuff to her’. Blushing like flip and looking down at my lap. Again, I hear him clearing his throat and then a chuckles ‘what a sort of things mouse? Were they naughty things? Have they made you wet little one? Kitten be a good girl and check for me.’
She is up on her knees and moving towards in an instant. She pushes me back on the bed, her hand pulling my panties to the side, slipping inside, and plunging in to me. slowly running her cold finger up and down, then circling my clit. As quickly as she started her check, she abruptly removes finger, and brings it up to her mouth. ‘she is wet maîtriser, she smells yummy. please can I taste her maîtriser?’
‘As you asked so nicely, yes you may Kitten, but listen to me, I want to hear you make her moan and whipper, and then when I tell you Ruin her for me kitten. Do you understand? ‘ . I move myself up the bed, pulling me t-shirt off and hooking my thumbs in the waist band of my panties, dragging them down over my hips. Kitten is on her knees and curling up the bed towards me, the look in her eyes makes me whipper. I hear maîtriser chuckle and the sound of a zip being pulled down. Oh, dear god now I know what he’s doing at the other end of the line. I have blinding vision of him stroking his cock.
Next thing I know kitten is between my legs, having pulled my panties all the way off and tossing them on the floor. Maîtriser tells her to go slow, teasing, and gentle. His gentle tone is telling me to play with my nipple rings, to lose myself in the feeling and that I can stroke my kitten if I want. My eyes close and I just feel. her fingers, her tongue and the sound of maîtriser voice, its start to become a growl. His close, I can picture his hand moving faster and feel his grip become firmer.
Kitten has reached my clit and is lapping at it like her namesake. then I hear the words ‘Now kitten, make her come now!’ That’s when she sucks my clit between her teeth, biting lightly and pushing her tongue flat against my clit. I can’t keep it in any longer, I come undone, scream out her name and then all feel is bliss. I hear grunts coming and the throaty growl.
When I come down of the celling, when my breathing calms, I looked down and see kitten kneeled between my legs, a happy smile on her lips, then her tongue licks the moisture from her lips. A muffled noise breaks the silence. We sit up looking for kitten’s phone, that has become tangled up in the sheets and pillows.
‘that’s my good kitten, well done little one’ comes the voice on the other end. ‘Good girl mouse, you sound so beautiful when you come’ Smiling from ear to ear I roll on to my tummy and kiss kitten. I can taste myself on her lips. Then I hear ‘now mouse I want you to return the favour to kitten, and then I want you to turn the lights out and go to sleep, do you understand’
‘Yes maîtriser, we do.’ We say in unison. A reply of ‘good girls, Good night my sweet little ones’
‘Good night maîtriser, we love you’ we say. Then we hang up and I turn to kitten and promptly return the favour.

Wicked Wednesday

The Diary of Pixie heart- 18/09/17 – 24/09/17

As instructed to, I’m sharing last weeks diary for everyone to have a giggle at! enjoy!

Diary: mouse

Monday 18th September 2017: 5.45am – So I am all wiggly and I can’t sleep, so I’m getting up! I will be eating toast and drinking tea on the sofa if you need me!
7.30am – I feel asleep again! Thank you for waking me up by shoving your cock in my face, no really, I love it when you do that!
8am – breakfast done, dentist phoned for Little bear, dishwasher done and now to sit down for a bit!
9.30am – I love the food network, but what the flip is going on with pioneer woman??? Like do her family only eat breakfast and cake?
10am – Dentist time with little bear. I can’t get her into clothes so she is wearing her sloth onesie and unicorn slippers, sorry I did try!
11am – My poorly girl has an abuse on the roof of her mouth! Ouchy! So, I have her antibiotics, soft food, and some nice juice. I will now tuck her up on the sofa and keep her safe!!
12.30pm – Little bear has decided that she ‘NEEDS’ butterscotch wipe and 3 bananas for lunch, so yes…. lol.
1.30pm – Thank you for are lunch time call and thank you for telling little bear she was being brave!
2pm – I’m doing writing! About spankings!!!
2.45pm – Afternoon nap time, I am a tired little pixie!
4.30pm – Blimey I was tired! Little bear seems to of perked up a little, antibiotics are amazing things!
5pm – Babe has come home and said she will cook. What did I do to deserve that as a treat!
6pm – Veggie fingers, chip and peas and sweetcorn. With sponge and chocolate custard for afters!
7pm – Thank you for helping me to have a bath, it is so hard to get in and out of the bath tub on my own and I’m fed-up of having bloody showers!
8.45pm – Family time on the sofa is great, but I’m horny, can I play with kitten please!?
10pm – THANK Your x x x x x x. I love playing with kitten’s nipples and pussy!
11pm – bed time story of pen of the damned, good move! Night sexy bum!
11.15pm – lights out and cuddles! X
Tuesday 19th September 2017: 7.15am – Blimey Riley! Tired little pixie again! That is the second night I slept right through. Little bear is still sleeping, bless the little thing. Got to get up, date with Uncle Fred!
8.30am – yes, I do still have to be up, dressed and making you breakfast before you get down in the morning. Yes, I must make your lunch, yes, I need to make sure you tie is straight and give you a kiss good bye. It is my job as your wife! And yes, I’m trying to pout, so don’t give the eyebrow!
9am – Little bear has just told me to sit down and drink my milk: o the family little is Doming me now!
10.15am – when the babies get here and I’m all held up, I am spending a whole week cleaning! Little bear did a good job and I’m trying to not micro mange her or go ‘you missed a spot. But me being me, I’m finding it hard!
11am- I no longer fit behind the steering wheel of my car! Thankfully Uncle Fred said he was happy to drive, I’m not sure I could cope with the bus or bear’s driving!
11.30am- Feeding the dunks is the best feeling ever! I get to be a kid for a bit and I feel free. Just don’t want to be an adult anymore!
12.15 – Squeak! Happy meal, milkshake and a Mcflurry! Spoilt!!!
1pm – Ok so I now officially heave everything I could need for the babies! And yes I got breast feeding stuff too!
2pm- Home to find 6 huge boxes from amazon. Seems everyone I work with has bought something of a baby Wishlist that Steve set up. My god this is awesome, don’t think I’ll ever need to buy nappies or whips ever! They even got the dogs new Kong toys and t-shirts!
2.45pm – Afternoon nap!
5pm – Welcome home kiss to wake me up! You old smoothie! And yes, I do still like you copping a feel while having a smooch on the sofa!
6pm – take out for dinner, cos I’m too tired to cook! Thank you, x,
7pm- Am I not allowed to take a shower on my own?! Thank you, nice to be hair free again and thank you for checking that my bits still work! 😉
7.45pm – Monopoly marathon, Bring it on Frenchie!
9.30pm – Little bear is blatantly cheating!
10.15 – Thank you for coming to bed with me, I’m a pooped pixie!
11pm – Ok I love this book! Oh, and I love you to Frenchie x x x

Wednesday 21st September 2017: 6.30am – Errrr! Its morning then? I’m sore and full of ouches! Can you come back to bed please?
7am- Can’t we just stay in bed?! But thank you for the cup of tea, bowl of bran flakes, pain killers and cooking mags, I’ll be ok in a min!
7.20am- Better and happy again!
7.45 – Yup did breakfast again!
8.30pm – Don’t you dare be late home tonight! Love you froggie!
9.30am – day time television sucks big time! Why would anyone want to stay home and watch television when this is the crap on it?
11.20am – So it now turns out that I need to take a mid-morning nap as well as an afternoon nap!
12.30pm – So I have just eaten for Britain! Good lord I have no idea how that fitted inside me!
1.30pm – Homes under the hammer is kind of cool!
2.30 – tired again, napping about to condense in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…….
4pm – Woken up by a dog vomiting and being the size of a baby elephant do not go well together! Spidie was being a flipping drama queen and mad eye tried to clear her sick up by eating it!
6pm – Dinner time and little bear cooked an amazing pasta, that had the right amount of chillie in it!
6.45pm – No I am not watching extenders , no you cannot make me do it!
7pm – really fed up now! Can’t get comfortable and I’m fixity 
8.15pm – Was not sassing you that much and kitten is made to be tickled! P but kind of happy to be sent to bed, I get little bear cuddles!
9.15pm – Yummy, you can take your belt to me like that any day! can we do more impact play after the babies get here? Well more play all round?!?!
11pm – Hehehe. Watching babe, kitten and little bear playing, with you sat behind me and your hands on my boobies was wonderful!!
12pm- are you going for husband of the year?! French toast with ricotta and figs!

Thursday 21st September 2017: 6am – Up early, got to get little bear to the dentist. If she gets just her crown put back in I will be proud of her!
7.30am- so dressed, in the car and on the way to the hospital It is too early and I already need to pee! Uncle Fred is a super star for driving us! (Must by him bear!)
8.30am- Well hear and they have given her a sedative. Crossing everything I have that she will be ok, cos I can’t go in with her 
9.45am – Well she’s out! My brave girl not only let them put her crown back in, put they have the 2 impacted wisdom teeth out and they filled the holes in her canines! She is rather stoned, so it’s straight home to bed with her!
11am- I have tucked little bear up on the sofa with her teddy bear and blanky! She had 2 glasses of water and one of milk, plus some painkillers. She was out like a light! I’m going to wash all the baby clothes now and make sure they are all ready. I know it’s silly but that is something I can do and not really get shattered!
12pm- Aunty May has just turned up with food and told me to ‘go sit down like a good girl’. Not that I mind her turning up with food or her fussing, but I can do light house work! could speak to her and ask her back off a little?! I love her to death, but sometimes I need a little breathing space.
1.30pm – little bear is awake and in pain  can’t let her have pain killers for an hour and a half, so I have sat her in the kitchen with me and aunty may. I hate seeing her hurting, tears me up inside 
2.30pm – sod it! Have given her some painkillers a little early and we are now camping on the sofa, with warm milk and chocolate whip. Going hopefully nap. Aunty may has decided she will cook tea and do the ironing, feel bad but she said little bear needed looking after more than the ironing needed doing, and she is right, as always!
4.30pm – ok so I did need a nap and little bear seems to be doing better. She wants mashed potato with cheese, baked beans, and green beans for her tea, so that is what may be cooking her!
5.45pm – I have sat down and got my taxes done! Yes, I know I have not exactly worked over the last 2 months, but their all nice and neatly done! Yes, I know only I get a kick out of having neat and tidy tax files, but hay bite me!
6pm – Nice touch Frenchie bring aunty may flowers! She really does cook like a posh version of my nana!
7pm- thank you for driving May home sweetie! I’m going to get little bear ready for bed and then going to take a shower with kitten. Hope you have a great time playing pool with babe! Love your x x x x
9pm- I swear these babies are sadist like their father, that or they are into water sports!
11.45pm – Ummm so yeah, I think you may have had a little bit too much to drink handsome! But thank you for the kfc kid’s meal! Little bear is happily scoffing popcorn chicken and yoghurt. Did you just buy it so she had a treat?!? I love you pookie! X x x x
Friday 22nd of September 2017: 7.15 am – Someone has a sore head this morning! Bacon sandwich and strong coffee in bed for you sir! and I can do that cos I want to and looking after you is my job! Then get that butt in the shower and dressed, cos it is family weekend time as of 5 pm!
8.30am- So yeah, I wanted you to stay home but …… Ok house cleaning time as best I can!
10.30am – Clean! It really is amazing what the 4 of us girls can get done if we all work together! I am now off to do food shopping with babe driving! If you get a call from the hospital saying I’m in labour, my nerves could not take it!
12pm – Ok food shopping done and put away! We are a dream team! Wow, can we get team boobies t-shirts?!?
12.30 – Now uncle Fred is well at it! Although he still lets me do stuff, are garden shelves are looking dope! He has made a massive loaf of soda bread, pot of soup and cherry pie! I get sad when he makes cherry pie as it was aunty Doreen’s fav, god I miss her!
2pm – Stuffed and tired, but my brain is saying ‘no don’t nap do the kitchen cupboards’. as a compromise, I am watching a Disney film with little bear on the sofa! Lol also why does are dog walker think it is funny that my dogs come back when called?
5pm – Umm yes, I did full asleep!
5.30pm – What is with you today? Text saying get bathed and in my pj’s and don’t worry about dinner, and that’s it!!! What the fuck!!!
6.15pm – Curry, ice cream and ginger bear! Ok I love you, did I say that before, right? Also, avengers and dry strange, you are the best person like ever!
11pm I stayed awake for the whole thing this time! Now teeth and bed!
11.10pm – We even get are bed time story!
Saturday 23rd September 2017: 6am- Errrr! Ok antibiotics are kicking my butt today! I feel sick, have the shakes and an upset tummy. Can I stay home?
7am – thank you so much for getting with babe and taking the hounds out so I can sleep!
9am – yup I’m dying! I have forced down some toast, my meds and Diet coke. Thank god for polos and Imodium!
9.45 – Ok I have to go shopping cos I need to buy stuff but all I want to do is sleep!
10.30am – ok so I now have a banging head ache and feel dizzy. Thank god for my kitty cat coming with me!
11.15pm – So kitten has an apple and blackcurrant and chips from kick. She has put salt on them and got me ketchup for them! I took pain killers and I now feel a little bit better!
12pm – ok I so manged to get the bus home!
12.30 – Little bear walking Bella, mad eye and boods up to the bus stop is adorable and meant so much!
1pm – squeak! Am I really allowed to put my Pj’s back on and go be little for the afternoon, really???
1.30pm – you got me unicorn colouring book and apple and mango juice!
3pm – I see you watching inside out, just come sit on the sofa silly head!
5pm – I have had the best afternoon in ages! Thank my love, I really needed that! Now I’m going to make spaghetti for dinner and grilled peaches with ice-cream for after!
6.30pm – Strictly come dancing, that is all that needs to be said!
9pm- thank for coming to bed with me, sorry I don’t want nookie and just want to snuggle!
11pm- girls are up, tucked in and bed time story read! Night handsome x
4.45am – Thank you for letting me get up and write. I have a bad case of the I can’t sleepiest!
7.15am – so I have had breakfast, taken my meds, and done my neb. I have even taken something to calm my brain the fuck down, I am now going to try a sleep for a little bit. I’m that tired I am feeling slightly irrational 
10am – Wow! I feel so much better for a nap!
10.30am – Why are we getting in the car and where the flip are we going!
11pm – Secrets! Yay!!!! Can I have fed the fish and ducks, please!?!!?
12pm- Soup, salad and bread is so the best lunch ever!
1.pm- can we get a turtle please? Or some Dalmatian mollies?
2.30pm – Why did you agree to let us go to a super market on a Sunday afternoon? I’m going to be brave but I don’t know if I can do this or the whole of the shop. If I get freaked out can I go sit in the car?
3pm – well I made it to the check out. Thank you for letting me go sit the other side of them and just chill out!
3.30pm – So I’m now cooking dinner with you, like I get to tell you what to do? Cripes that is so out of my comfort zone foggy! How about I ask you nicely to do stuff?
5pm- You will make a great chef one day! this is fun, can we do it more often?
5.45pm – NO! that is not how you carve a chicken! More of it is going in your tummy than anything else! Silly head!
6pm – Roast dinner, Boss man and mouse style!
6.30pm – Now you got little bear to wash up and do the dishwasher without moaning, what magic is this!
7pm – bath time!
7.30pm – Why do I have to go to bed? but ok!
8pm – Tots could be a spaceman you know!
9.30pm- Sleepy pixie now!
10.20- hot milk, with honey and nutmeg. Bed time story and cuddles, thank you for a fabulous weekend! Love you xx
11pm – light out!

 

so that was last week! what are all you lovely’s up to this week?

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

 

 

letter from Maîtriser.

So I have wanted to share this part of are life  for a very long time, but it is only now that Maîtriser agreed to me sharing we you all. I am a girl who loves letters, both writing , receiving and reading them. It is a way that myself, maîtriser and the girls have kept in touch over the years, before i joined the family . It is now a way that we talk to each other  when is something that we have needed to really think about. For Maîtriser it is a way to show how he feels and talk to us one on one. For Maîtriser and i it is are way of being soppy and loving , without everyone knowing! 

The is something about the written word that really moves me on a lot levels . It can calm my mind, insist my curiosity and excite me. I think it is one of the things that made me full in love with maîtriser, the way he has with words blows me away every day!

So I am sharing a letter he sent me a few months back, after I had a melt down and was being vile. I had taken on way to much work, was trying to be more than I needed to be and refusing  to ask for help. he left this by my the bed so I had it as soon as I woke up. (please bear in mind that I have translated this from French to English.)

Dearest little mouse,

Well what can I say little one you have done it again! I don’t know how one girl can get herself in to such a tizzy and that much trouble in the space of 3 days, but you some have done again! You know I have put rules in place for a reason, that I want to keep you safe and from harm, and that everything I do is done with love. It not only hurts yourself, but me as well, when continually put yourself down. You trust me and have excepted my guidance, yet you still don’t believe that you are worthy of being loved by people. Am I stupid or do you think you are beneath me? No , mouse you’re not. You’re my equal, my partner in crime and my special little one, who I adore.
You must understand that I am doing this so you see that you are worthy of being loved, so you can be all that you can and so you can stop these destructive thought and behaviour patterns. Unlike some punishments, I take no pleasure in doing this my love. This hurts me as much as it does you.
So, you know exactly what your transgressions are, I will list them, but keep in mind this not an attack, but is just me stepping in to look after my girl, ok sweetness?
• You put yourself down 17 times in 3 days.
• Your spoke with your mother, without myself or babe being with you.
• You allowed your sister to belittle you in church, by saying ‘oh she’s just a housewife’
• You refused to allow kitten to offer you comfort when she offered you a hug.
• You clean on Friday for 5 hours, instead of the 2 hours we had agreed
• You spoke in a raised and disrespectful way to your Aunt May and your friend Emit.
• You refused to eat dinner with the rest of the family on Friday and Saturday night.
• You ‘Forgot’ to ask for and take anxiety medication, when you needed it
• You went out and did not take your phone.
• You did not talk to me or babe when you were having a hard time.
• You were grumpy with little bear this morning and did not say sorry to her.
• You did not ask for help when you needed it.
It pains me to do this , but as punishment you are losing you free time for the next 2 weeks. You will be expected to let Babe or I know where you are at all times. As well I will be setting you a few goals that I want you to finish to a level that will make me happy and proud. We will be spending time as a family at home and at the open mic nights at the britaina, with the aim of getting you to relax and enjoy yourself. Billie will be coming 4 times a week for your English class instead of 2. also, you are to allow Kitten or little bear to help with your classes and admin. You are to give all 3 of the girl’s extra chores around the house. You are not to see your sisters, brother in-laws or nieces or nephews without me or to agree to Baby sit without asking me first. you are to shower with me every evening, your bedtime for the next 2 weeks is 10pm and you are not allowed out of bed in the morning 6.30 am. I want you to keep a food diary every day, do you pulse ox, peak flow and bs level 4 times a day. You will also be doing 4 training sessions with Steve, yoga every morning and swimming with me twice a week. You are to up your mindfulness exercises to 4 times a day as well. I will review this at the end of the 2 weeks.
Know that I only do this out of love little one, it is for your own good. You can’t see it, but you are suffering from trying to do too much for too many people. The is no shame in asking for help when you are struggling or for breaking down a little when things get too much. You do not need to be all things to all people. For now, I want you to take care of yourself, do as you are told and to make me proud, that is it, do you understand?
I will see you this evening little one,
All my love,
maîtriser X

Well hope you enjoyed it,

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

The Boobies have it!

So last week my darling little bear came home from shopping close to tears, after some little old lady told her that her choice of tops was showing too much cleavage! Now apart from being untrue, hurtful and really bloody rude, Opened up some very newly held wounds for the poor little one. You see are little bear had rather big boobies, that till 6 months ago she hated. See at the age of 24 the poor lamb had GG cup breast, that made her back hurt and shoulders hunch. But earlier this years her Doctor said they had stop growing and that her weight had stayed the same long enough for her to under go breast reduction surgery. She went from a GG to DD cup, and although she was in pain after and has only just been allowed a ‘normal’ bra , it has been the most amazing thing ever! Her confidence has sawn and she is happy . I think it has been a godsend for her, both mentally and physically , so when some old bag decided it was ok to make comments that derailed bear being happy , then I get cross!

All this got me to thinking about breast and what people think of them. I mean how does the world really see them , like really ‘See’ them. I mean I know that they are there to sustain New born life , but what else do they do. Well yes I now having them played with can make you wet and they can get people looking at them excited. But in main stream society what do we think of them!?!?

Growing up in a very traditional catholic house hold, boobs , as my nana called them were some what of a taboo. I never saw a woman breast-feeding a baby , never saw bras or talked about them. the only times I ever saw them was the odd flash in a religious painting (we never went a looked at fancy art!) or the occasional  Page 3 girl in my uncle micks cab of his truck or the big booed cartoon women in those comic postcards. They were just one of the things that women had and that was it! I was taught , that yes I would get them, but you don’t stare at them and you don’t talk about them, cos they were some how dirty or wrong.

The one thing I did see was how woman and their breast got judge by people, of both sexes. Men seemed to see woman with big boobs as some sort of air-head, who were less than them or an easy lay! if the showed cleavage they were ‘asking for it’  and if they covered them up they were to said to have ideas above their station or frigid old frumpy. (that was my great nann’s saying). If you happened to have small boobs , you got teased , told you were bookish or some how less of a woman. women judge each other just as harshly , looking down on anyone who showed cleavage or was remotely sexual.

The media only showed breast as either air-head page 3  girls or strippers for the bigger breasted ladies, think Sam Fox. Then smaller more like Sigourney weaver, seen as clever, talented and possible a dyke. Not that was a term I knew what it meant, but from the way people in my family and community used it , I knew it was something that I did not want to be.

So it will come as no big surprise that when I hit 11 and started growing breast, I tried to hide them and myself away from prying eyes. It wasn’t till I got to my mid teens that I learnt it was ok to wear a slightly tight t-shirt, that showed the shape of my boobs. It was just after my 14th birthday that I learnt the wonder of breast and all their hidden pleasures. as I got older and went to university and got involved in first the arty scene, and then the goth and fetish scene that I learnt to feel comfy and happy with my chest. I also learnt that I’m a girl who likes looking, playing and enjoys boobs!

The thing that I find shocking and very odd is as a society we seem to say now that we have the right to dress , act , and do what ever we want, letting and encouraging young girls to wear things that if I had worn them at their age , would have left me branded a slut. But we are so quick to say low self-esteem , have a boob job! now I am not going to touch on boob jobs and the such, if you want one then great , if you don’t like them and are happy with what you have , then great. Just be happy and don’t judge a person on their boobs!

That my dear friends is why I love the Kinky community so flipping much, cos I don’t know any place I could have gone to a group of girls and guys , what do you think of Boobies? and got really honest , truthful answers. Turns out Straight and bi guys all pretty much love boobs in all form and in any style! Woman well , on the whole they are happy with what the got handed out , some would have them smaller/ bigger/ fuller/ perkier or change them a little bit, but they like them! but what blew me out the water ,  was that every person I asked thought that a person should do what every they want with their boobs as long as they are happy ! So YAY kinksters for being once again the queens and kings of the body positivity !

As for me , well I have learnt that I loved my small boobies , that I love my ever-growing breast and that they seem to be loved the people in my life! they are a source of endless pleasure and that I love playing with others more than anything! (I get called the queen of the nipple in are house!) . Don’t know what the future holds for my boobies after the babies get here , but I’m hoping for a lot more fun to come!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Ps – Ladies , lets not forget…..boobie

Question time with the girls – Floss, from the ProudToBeKinky Podcast.

Ok so I’m stating now this is going to be a weekly thing and here be give (with the boss man pumishtion) the right to kick my butt if I start slacking off again! I really like doing it and I just need to bluck up the courage and asked people if they want to paly! So that is just what I did! (as my nana used to say you don’t get, if you don’t ask!)

So after being really bold (very un- pixie-like) I ask the wonderful Floss (Floss does life ), from the awesome ProudToBeKinky Podcast, run by herself and her partner, Bakji. I loving listening to their Podcast , so much so it has become my Monday morning ironing podcast that I listen to with my Great Aunty May . Who I add, loves it , thinks floss is a sweetie and Bakji is a dirty little sod, so I highly recommend giving them a listen!

So here it is,

1) Dom/ Sub or Switch, discus? (Babe) Switch! I came to the kink scene thinking I was submissive, I assumed sexual submissive equals D/s submissive. I eventually discovered I was more of a bottom and had a far more light-hearted and playful approach to D/s tha what I initially thought would be my approach. I had some unfortunate encounters when I first tried Topping though and decided it wasn’t for me, despite Bakji being openly switchy when we met. Overtime I became more and more curious about his submissive side, and with his support and encouragement my journey in FemDom was born and I’ve got to be honest, I absolutely love it. FemDom has allowed me to explore so much of myself, in ways I never could have imagined. In the right moment though I do still love a good subby session, so yep, definitely a Switchy Kinkster.
2) What or who is your nemeses? (Pixie) Right now? Futomomo’s. So a rope tie where you bend your knee so your heel is firmly against your buttock, calf firmly against your thigh and then you tie rope around them so they are tied into one little stumpy leg. They are so versatile and not actually difficult, but for some reason my brain hates all the ones I know how to tie and I’m never happy with them.
3) Describe your vanilla self in 5 words and your kinky self in 5 words? (Kitten) Oooh this is a good one. I totally want to steal this for the quickfire questions we do on the podcast. Although now I’ve answered it I realise it’s a really, really hard question.
Vanilla me in five words would be, Mother – Nurturing – Resilient – Deep Thinker – Worrier
Kinky me in Five words would be, Switch – Sadomasochist – Tease – Sensualist – RopeLover
4) If you could have one magic spell, what would it be and why? (Little bear) Magic cleaning like Mary Poppins had. I would love to just be able to just make everything clean and and tidy with minimal effort.
5) What would you do and not do for 5 million £? (All) I wouldn’t do anything that might cause me permanent, life changing bodily harm, anything that would put others in danger, anything that could potentially remove me from my child, or anything that would hurt or harm anyone I love. I would however do most things that don’t come under that category. Money talks for sure, and I am under no illusion that a huge sum of money like that could persuade me to do all sorts of things. What I’d really like to do for £5 million is become a Latex Queen with many Latex minions. This must include a crown and a throne.
6) Who is your favourite writer and why? (Little bear) Ooh tough one. Well mad props have to go to J.K Rowling, purely for the fact I am NEVER bored of Harry Potter. I also read her writing as Robert Galbraith and they’re pretty good too. I haven’t read all his stuff but I think Stephen King is an incredibly skilled writer. Also for fun easy reads I enjoy Linwood Barclay and Cecelia Ahern. When I’m feeling a little more kooky with high brain power I really enjoy Haruki Murakami.
7) Top 3 boy crushes and top 3 girl crushes? (Kitten) I’m going to go for celebrity crushes, just in case a real life crush reads this, I’m not that brave.
Boy Crushes – Kit Harrington – Nick Frost – The Rock (although I think we’re officially meant to call him Dwayne Johnson these days)
Girl Crushes – Ruby Rose (although she makes me hot whatever gender she presents as) – Ashley Graham – Kat Von D
8) What do you do for none kinky fun? (Pixie) Well most of my non-kinky fun happens with my little boy who is 5. We like going to the cinema, going to build-a-bear and lots of going to the park. When I’m on my own without a small human or a Bakji, I like to listen to audiobooks and I don’t watch much TV, but I have recently enjoyed the latest season of Game of Thrones, I also like Masterchef and the Great British Bake Off but we will have to see if I still like that now it’s moved to Channel 4.
9) What is the most embarrassing sex thing to happen to you? (Babe) Hmm … well it takes a fair bit to embarrass me. But earlier in the year Bakji and I were house-sitting for my Dad and his partner. They were due back at 6pm, so at about midday we started a sexy session. We’d brought over our repurposed gym bench that we use to restrain Bakji to and everything. We’d just finished a pretty intense scene, whips, restraints, lube and clothes everywhere … oh and cameras, because we are perverts who film ourselves. When Bakji went to get changed and noticed figured at the door. They had come back 4 hours early without warning. I answered the door and managed to convey we needed some time to gather ourselves together. Luckily I am totally open with my Dad, and him and his girlfriend thought it was hilarious. It was however mildly embarrassing.
10) 5 Places you want to go, but have never been? (all) Harry Potter Studio Tour – Italy, specifically Rome and Vatican City – Mexico – The Ice Hotel in Sweden – So many Kink & Fetish conventions across the world.
Silly question from Little bear:
Who is you favouriting harry potter character? I can only pick one favourite? OMG! That’s like asking a Mother to pick her favourite child, lol. I do love Hermione, I think she is really badass character. Smart, strong, brave and even rebellious but in all the right ways. She always picked just the right moment to reveal how totally kickass she was. I always enjoyed that about her.
Do you have a magic wand? No!! But I want one so bad! One day! I need a wand suitable for a Slytherin, as that’s the house I got sorted into. Apparently my wand would be Laurel Wood with a Pheonix feather core.
What super power would you like? Time travel. Or the ability to stop time.
Are you for or against pop tarts? For, but they have to be very specific flavours. I like chocolatey ones, not so keen on the fruit ones. Although when I was with my ex still we used to have cookies and cream pop tarts sometimes and they were amazing.
Best bubble bath, ever? I love things from the Body Shop, which is a really rare treat. I like things that smell fruity and they cater really well to that. I also really like the Sanctuary Spa products from Boots. We don’t have a bath at the minute though, only a shower. So I usually just try and buy a nice shower gel instead.

I have to say a massive thank you to floss for answering little bears questions , it made her dance round the living room in just her panties!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Blog challenge Days 9 to 21.

So I have been resting but still doing my blog challenge! here are my entries for the last few days…..

Blog Challenge Day 9 to Day 21

Day 9 – Your last kiss.
So, my technique last kiss was my lurcher Bella when I left the house this morning! Don’t judge, she gives great kisses!)
The one before that was an early morning smooch with Kitten this morning. It was on of those lazy. Stretchy kisses, that is unhurried and full of soft touches that normally leads to more, but Babe came bursting in to hustle us out of bed, cos we need to get up and ready for a very long car trip!
Day 10 – Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Alcohol – I’m fine with it in moderation, I don’t drink very much, but that’s mainly cos I’m a flipping light weight, and after 3 beers I’m on the floor giggling! I don’t like being round drunk people or people who get aggressive when drunk, as they make me feel unconfutable and unsafe.
Drugs – All for the ligate one, hell I would be lost without them. illegal ones, don’t do them, don’t like. If you are then that is fine, but please don’t do them round me, and don’t ask me to join in! Everyone I know who has done them in the long term seems to have ended up with bad mental health problems.

Day 11 – Your current relationship
Well to the outside world I’m just a happily married lass. But if you look a little closer you will see that it is a D/s life, that I share with my husband / Dom and 3 other female subs. Myself and the girls are all bi and we all play together. We would all say it is a committed, none monogamous, poly relationship, that makes us all feel happy and whole.

Day 12 – Things you want to say to your ex.
Ah the question I have been dreading more than anything. Things with me ex are still so raw and fresh, but I’m going to give it a go…
• Why did you say you loved me, then try to break me?
• Was I worth so little to you?
• Do you know how much damage you did?
• What was going through you head as you beat me over, and over?
• Why did you have to rape me over and over?
• Did you really think you could break me?
• Does it hurt knowing that I’m doing just fine without you?
• Does it know that a French man is 1000 times more of a man than you ever could be?
You nearly killed, but that was never going to happen while I have this fire, burning in my soul. With love and support I have rebuilt myself. I still have a very long way to go, but I have come so far from the shell that you left behind. But more than anything you need to know that you will never break me, never!

Day 15 – A date you would love to go on.
I would love to go to the adult dyno-snores at the natural history museum. You get an afterhours tour of the museum, a 3-course meal and then a film in the main hall. The is a roof top bar that serves cocktails, that has a great view of London. You can stay up late listening to ghost stories or find a quiet corner to snuggle down for some sleep. Then in the morning you are woken up with a full on cooked breakfast. The only way that is could be more perfect is if the was a way you could have a shag next to all the bones and fossils,

Day 14 – Something discussing that you do.
Umm , not sure that I do anything that I would count as disgusting. I do like Squeezing whiteheads , but I get told off by the Boss man for doing, as the is high risk they could then get infected and that infection could put me in hospital. I also pick at my skin till it bleeds when I am nerves. We are working on that and it is the reason my nails are always kept short!

Day 15 – The best thing to happen this week
By the far the best thing that has happened this week is the Boss man having this week off work so that he could come to my midwife appointment with me . It was just an awesome day. I got to late all cuddled up to kitten. Then had breakfast, a shower and got dressed in the Boss Man . We got there right on time for my appointment, so we got to go straight in. Everything is good , I need to take iron tablets , but apart from that , everything is going smoothly!
After my appointment we are shopping, walked along the river , fed the ducks and lunch in my faviform pub. We did grocery shopping , went home, took a nap, and then cooked dinner together. We ate when the girls got home , and then it was baths, jammies, and DVD’s on the sofa till it was time for bed, story, and cuddles.
It’s not anything big or fancy. Just a day doing normal stuff, with the people I love. But never really having had that before , it makes for a very happy me!
Day 16 – 3 things that you are proud about your personality .
1) Tough – I’ve be through some shit over the years (slight under statement?!?!). I have come close to giving up a lot of times, but I have not. I have stuck at it and fought on and carried on living. I am pretty sure that some of it has been done through being bloody stubborn , but hay I’m still here!
2) Caring – I like to think that I’m carrion , I hope I am! I like looking after people and making sure they are safe and away from harm. I will always stick up for and protect the people I love . I will always try to support my friends and family, even if I don’t agree with them.
3) None judgemental – I have fucked so many times, and I know first-hand what it feels like to have someone judge you and your feelings. I would never want to make someone feel the way it made me feel.

Day 17 – Things that scare me.
I don’t like to admit that stuff scares me, but they are quite a few things that I’m frightened of. So, I’m going to make a list of them.
• Birds
• Deep open water
• Crowds
• Drunk people
• Confined Spaces
• Driving in the rain
• Outside (I’ ok with beaches/hills/wood)
• Germs
• Dirty places (Bus stations / Public loos / near bins)
• Being sick
• Mice and rats
• Fly’s
• Maggots
• Rotting food
• Thunder storms
• Large groups of teenagers
• Drowning
• Hospitals
• Eels
• Jellyfish
• The bottom of the ocean
• Space
• Things that can’t be explained by science
Strongly I’m not frightened of death.

Day 18 – Disrespecting parents
This is kind of a touchy subject for me as things with my own parents are not good right now and I don’t see things getting any better anytime soon.
I’m off the belief that show and treat your parents with respect , but that respect should also have been shown to you too. I also think that it is very easy to lose respect for them. It does not mean that you love them any less, it just means that they are not the people that you thought they were and that you are different to them .

Day 19 – something that never fails to make you happy .
Without a doubt, it must be waling my dogs, as it makes me happy on so many levels. The fact that just picking up a lead fills the house with wagging tails and excited barks. The are days that I’m in huge amounts of pain or really low , but I take them out and it makes things less tough. I can have a good old stomp, chat to them about the crap that I have going round my head, Safe in the knowledge that I’m not being and they’re not going to tell anyone.
Add to all this that they are so happy to run around like looneys, sniffing and peeing playing with their little friends, laying in muddy puddles, and rolling in the sand . I sit there watching and thin I did that, I made them happy , and that makes me happy!

Day 20m – The last argument that you had.
Weirdly I think it was either about putting petrol in the car or pop tarts. I just don’t remember which. The last proper grown up one was with a receptionist at the doctors, about my need to see a doctor that day and being told I was not sick enough to need to see one . To which I asked what qualifications they had to trig penitents. I also pointed out that being pregnant , suffering from an immune disorder and being diabetic, I felt I did need to see a doctor . After that she found me one pretty dam quick!

Day 21 – Something you can’t seem to get over.
Depression, I have had this bastard illness most of my adult life. It comes and goes, sort of an ebb and flow thing. Sometimes I hardly notice it , it’s just the little grey patch on me sunny day. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming , me in-tier world becomes stormy and dark . But it never truly leaves me. I guess that it never really will, but what has changed is the way I handle it now. I talk about it , I reach out to people, I ask for help and I don’t try to hide it anymore. I have stopped looking at it as an infliction and treat it as an illness. People get sick with it all the time, the are so many treatments for it, from mediatisation to therapy. So, what I means is, Yes, I have depression, no I don’t think I will ever be 100% over it, but I can live with it, and I’m cool with that!

 

Hope you enjoy,

Pixie

The Behaviour Modification of Pixie Heart (AKA fixing my broken brain)

 

So a few weeks ago the epic Kayla Lords and John Brownstone’s Loving BDSM Podcast was on positive reinforcement, a subject that is very close to my heart. It is something we use every day at home, but we also use a whole host of conditioning tools, classic and operant conditioning, to Premack and Counter conditioning, with a big old dose of CBT thrown in to the mix for good measure!
I make no apologies for the fact that I suffer from extremely complex health problems, both mental and physical. I have after a lot of therapy, got to a point that I will talk openly about my mental health problems. I think I must a point that I relies that I don’t need to be ashamed by them. Some I have had all my adult life and some are because of being in a violent, abusive relationship for most of my adult life.
So, this is where I fully out my mental health problems, buckle up this might take a while. I suffer from Generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), which is a disorder in which a normal worry to a normal person, to me is Debilitating. It also means that my body has a heighten reaction to stress and worry. I have very serve depression as well, that at its worst has left me house bound and struggling to get out of bed, wash or eat. coupled with this I have extreme phobias and suffer from panic and anxiety attack, that at one point I would have up to 15 a day and again left my unable leave the house. (I am agoraphobic). Then after being raped and nearly beaten to death, I started to suffer from Extreme PTSD, coupled with dissociative episodes. This is still very hard to talk about, but what I know is that it affected me to the point I made a good attempt at ending my life, but my darling kitten found me just in time. (love you baby x). I also suffer with quite bad dyslexia and AADD, both on the AS range.
Well I had been living with all that, well not living sort of existing. But then around 2 years ago something inside changed, I wanted to start living and enjoy my life again, but I needed to make some pretty big changes, but I knew with the help of my darling master I could do it. But I also need to us to use technics that I knew worked and were based in fact and logic. This is where people think I’ve lost the plot on stuff, but bear with me. I work as a dog trainer and behaviourist, I use techniques such classic and operant conditioning all the time. I know it works and it is based in since. It works, I have seen it work, so I decided to run with it! (Adding here that I had the help and support of my therapist on this)
So, we came up with to encourage better mood and motivation using +/- reinforcement. We also decide to tackle destructive thought patterns, that lead negative behaviours, such as putting, hiding my feelings, and self-harm, using +/- punishment. +/- reinforcement, and +/- punishment comes under the banner of operant conditioning and is based on the research of B.F Skinner. Basically, it is the concept that Good consequences encourage repeat behaviour and Bad consequences discourages repeat behaviour. Positive reinforcement, is adding something in to increase likelihood of a behaviour being repeated. Negative reinforcement is removing something to increase the likelihood of the behaviour being repeated. It’s the same with punishment, but instead of increasing the behaviour it decreases the likelihood of it being repeated. So, what the boss man did was got to make reward charts. One for everyday house hold / work stuff/ Homework, like answering emails, food shopping and Doing homework. I also had one for Personal care and D/s stuff. At the end of each day if I get sticker on each of my charts for getting all my ticks, I get a £1 in my Treat money box (it has UNICORNS on it) I can also earn extra stickers and £££ by being extra good, or brave or for doing stuff without being asked. Those stickers can be given to me by the boss man or Babe. At the end of the month I can open my tin and spend the money on whatever I want or carry on in to the next month for even big rewards at the end of the next month. if the is something Massively stressful going on or that is going to take a lot of time to get to, I get rewards along the way and a big goal reward. I should add here that for me rewards are not gifts or treats. A lot of the times they can hugs, item spent as a family, extra free time or not having adult for the rest of a day. For punishment for things like hiding stuff or self harm, I lose my free time and privileges. This does not be loss of time as a family or time with the boss man. If I need comfort or support from him or the girls and I actively ask for that help, I get rewards for that! For putting myself down (which is the biggest thing that the boss man wants me to change) I either get made to write a list of 20 things I like about myself or good stuff I’ve done. Or I have to buy small gifts for 5 friends, write down what I said and then write a list of 5 reasons I’m awesome. (Sir Beasty came up with that idea)
The next thing we started using was classic conditioning. This theory is…

We used this for My panic and anxiety attacks. The biggest thing we did, and this was my CPN’s idea, was trained one of my dogs as a phytologic support dog. She is very laid back and calm, which flitters down to me. she has also been trained to notice my triggers and pull me away from them. So, she is my calm, by having my calm with me I start to identify that having her with me meant I was safe in the places. Also having her with me I have learnt to enjoy new stuff, like being in a group situation or talking in public. We also taught me to have safe places go when I feel the start of an attack coming on.

The next thing we used was counter conditioning to Help me with my Phobias Counter conditioning is basically Changing the emotional response to feared stimulus. For me some of things I fear (Phobias) like being seen necked by a partner and eating in public. For the being naked I got calm gentle encouragement to remove clothes and got to see that the more I show, the more sexually excited the boss man got. For the eating in public started with a calm relaxed pixie, sitting with people calmly eating, then to me having a drink with people eating, and then finally me eating with them.

Then we used one of my favour tools ever! Premack, this is a principle that to get the good reward you must do the less rewarding this first. basically, eat your veggies and you get to have ice cream! This for me is a great motivator. We used It when I was finding it hard to leave the house. If I walked to the gym I got to have a cuddle and training session with Steve (my hot personal trainer) if I went to the super market I got have a hot milk and a ginger bread man. If I went to a hospital appointment I got to have a happy meal afterwards!

The next thing we worked on was breaking bad habits. You will be really shocked to know that I have habits that drive the boss man up the wall! Like leave my car keys on the kitchen table, not tidying away my Lego or colour stuff or hooking the dogs lead on the banisters, so with gentle polite reminds from the boss man and the girls I stop doing the bad habits and start to use the desired good habit. Hanging my keys up, putting things away when finished playing with them and hanging dogs leads in the porch. It is said that it takes 28 to create a habit, and 3 months for that habit to become a behaviour, and you know, for me at least it’s true!
The last big thing the Boss man got me to work on is something I don’t openly talk about, but he thought I needed to include it, as it is a huge part of who I am. So here goes. I’m dyslexic and due to this I find reading, writing, and understanding incredibly hard. I’m not stupid, very far from it. But it does mean that I struggle and find things like reading complex letters, filling in forms, or writing emails that make sense, hard. It also means that I find getting and staying organised hard. I also have a form Of ADHD known as anxious ADD. It basically means that when my anxiety or stress levels are high, my brain kind of seize up. I can’t function, I get angry and frustrated, I come across as rude or aggressive to people. It also means that I have trouble judging peoples tone and meaning, so I find communication hard. With both it means that I find sudden changes to my routine or things happing unexpected knock me for 6 and I will and do sort of shut down.
The biggest thing I must deal with this are rules, limits, structure, and routine. It makes me feel relaxed and safe. Babe has helped me to learn to plan things out, so the is less stress of not knowing what is going to happen when. I have a detailed diary and household planner. Being a creative person it’s all brightly coloured, with sparkles and stickers. Anything written in them in pen , happens no matter what. But if something is written in pencil, it can be rubbed out and does not have to happen. The only people who can write in these are Myself, the boss man and Babe. Although I tend to get little notes from little bear and kitten, saying Boobies or I love you. I also get time outs. I know it sounds a little tot and like I’m a child, but again it works for me. I have two type. One is for when everything gets too much, it is given by Babe or the Boss man. I get sent to my quiet space (aka the box room). With no tech, know talking and sit and calm down. Babe or the boss man will come and check on me 20 mins later, and if I’m calm or crying I get cuddles and can then carry on with my day. I then have time outs that I give myself if I feel panic coming on. I will politely ask to leave what every situation I’m in. I will get my iPod, a drink, and my book, find a safe quiet spot, and calm myself down, before I end up in full on panic. When I feel better I re-join the family and carry on like nothing has happened. But I also have my little space that I go to when I just can’t cope. I will ask the boss man if its ok to and he then sort of takes over thinking for me for a bit. It is the only time that I do 100 % of what he says , without being able to ask questions. It normally involves activates I find calming, such Lego, colouring being read to or watching a Disney film. But it also involves lots of cuddles and reassuring words. The best bit is when I get sleepy and I get to take a nap with kitten!
So that is My/our take on behaviour modification, and how it has helped me. It’s a very personal take on it, but it is what works for me. I’m doing so much better than I was two years ago. I’m happy, steady, and doing things that I thought I was never going to be able to do again. It’s made my relationship with my Dom even more close and special. Its’s not for everyone, but it’s what works for this little pixie!