The Boobies have it!

So last week my darling little bear came home from shopping close to tears, after some little old lady told her that her choice of tops was showing too much cleavage! Now apart from being untrue, hurtful and really bloody rude, Opened up some very newly held wounds for the poor little one. You see are little bear had rather big boobies, that till 6 months ago she hated. See at the age of 24 the poor lamb had GG cup breast, that made her back hurt and shoulders hunch. But earlier this years her Doctor said they had stop growing and that her weight had stayed the same long enough for her to under go breast reduction surgery. She went from a GG to DD cup, and although she was in pain after and has only just been allowed a ‘normal’ bra , it has been the most amazing thing ever! Her confidence has sawn and she is happy . I think it has been a godsend for her, both mentally and physically , so when some old bag decided it was ok to make comments that derailed bear being happy , then I get cross!

All this got me to thinking about breast and what people think of them. I mean how does the world really see them , like really ‘See’ them. I mean I know that they are there to sustain New born life , but what else do they do. Well yes I now having them played with can make you wet and they can get people looking at them excited. But in main stream society what do we think of them!?!?

Growing up in a very traditional catholic house hold, boobs , as my nana called them were some what of a taboo. I never saw a woman breast-feeding a baby , never saw bras or talked about them. the only times I ever saw them was the odd flash in a religious painting (we never went a looked at fancy art!) or the occasional  Page 3 girl in my uncle micks cab of his truck or the big booed cartoon women in those comic postcards. They were just one of the things that women had and that was it! I was taught , that yes I would get them, but you don’t stare at them and you don’t talk about them, cos they were some how dirty or wrong.

The one thing I did see was how woman and their breast got judge by people, of both sexes. Men seemed to see woman with big boobs as some sort of air-head, who were less than them or an easy lay! if the showed cleavage they were ‘asking for it’  and if they covered them up they were to said to have ideas above their station or frigid old frumpy. (that was my great nann’s saying). If you happened to have small boobs , you got teased , told you were bookish or some how less of a woman. women judge each other just as harshly , looking down on anyone who showed cleavage or was remotely sexual.

The media only showed breast as either air-head page 3  girls or strippers for the bigger breasted ladies, think Sam Fox. Then smaller more like Sigourney weaver, seen as clever, talented and possible a dyke. Not that was a term I knew what it meant, but from the way people in my family and community used it , I knew it was something that I did not want to be.

So it will come as no big surprise that when I hit 11 and started growing breast, I tried to hide them and myself away from prying eyes. It wasn’t till I got to my mid teens that I learnt it was ok to wear a slightly tight t-shirt, that showed the shape of my boobs. It was just after my 14th birthday that I learnt the wonder of breast and all their hidden pleasures. as I got older and went to university and got involved in first the arty scene, and then the goth and fetish scene that I learnt to feel comfy and happy with my chest. I also learnt that I’m a girl who likes looking, playing and enjoys boobs!

The thing that I find shocking and very odd is as a society we seem to say now that we have the right to dress , act , and do what ever we want, letting and encouraging young girls to wear things that if I had worn them at their age , would have left me branded a slut. But we are so quick to say low self-esteem , have a boob job! now I am not going to touch on boob jobs and the such, if you want one then great , if you don’t like them and are happy with what you have , then great. Just be happy and don’t judge a person on their boobs!

That my dear friends is why I love the Kinky community so flipping much, cos I don’t know any place I could have gone to a group of girls and guys , what do you think of Boobies? and got really honest , truthful answers. Turns out Straight and bi guys all pretty much love boobs in all form and in any style! Woman well , on the whole they are happy with what the got handed out , some would have them smaller/ bigger/ fuller/ perkier or change them a little bit, but they like them! but what blew me out the water ,  was that every person I asked thought that a person should do what every they want with their boobs as long as they are happy ! So YAY kinksters for being once again the queens and kings of the body positivity !

As for me , well I have learnt that I loved my small boobies , that I love my ever-growing breast and that they seem to be loved the people in my life! they are a source of endless pleasure and that I love playing with others more than anything! (I get called the queen of the nipple in are house!) . Don’t know what the future holds for my boobies after the babies get here , but I’m hoping for a lot more fun to come!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Ps – Ladies , lets not forget…..boobie

The Behaviour Modification of Pixie Heart (AKA fixing my broken brain)

 

So a few weeks ago the epic Kayla Lords and John Brownstone’s Loving BDSM Podcast was on positive reinforcement, a subject that is very close to my heart. It is something we use every day at home, but we also use a whole host of conditioning tools, classic and operant conditioning, to Premack and Counter conditioning, with a big old dose of CBT thrown in to the mix for good measure!
I make no apologies for the fact that I suffer from extremely complex health problems, both mental and physical. I have after a lot of therapy, got to a point that I will talk openly about my mental health problems. I think I must a point that I relies that I don’t need to be ashamed by them. Some I have had all my adult life and some are because of being in a violent, abusive relationship for most of my adult life.
So, this is where I fully out my mental health problems, buckle up this might take a while. I suffer from Generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), which is a disorder in which a normal worry to a normal person, to me is Debilitating. It also means that my body has a heighten reaction to stress and worry. I have very serve depression as well, that at its worst has left me house bound and struggling to get out of bed, wash or eat. coupled with this I have extreme phobias and suffer from panic and anxiety attack, that at one point I would have up to 15 a day and again left my unable leave the house. (I am agoraphobic). Then after being raped and nearly beaten to death, I started to suffer from Extreme PTSD, coupled with dissociative episodes. This is still very hard to talk about, but what I know is that it affected me to the point I made a good attempt at ending my life, but my darling kitten found me just in time. (love you baby x). I also suffer with quite bad dyslexia and AADD, both on the AS range.
Well I had been living with all that, well not living sort of existing. But then around 2 years ago something inside changed, I wanted to start living and enjoy my life again, but I needed to make some pretty big changes, but I knew with the help of my darling master I could do it. But I also need to us to use technics that I knew worked and were based in fact and logic. This is where people think I’ve lost the plot on stuff, but bear with me. I work as a dog trainer and behaviourist, I use techniques such classic and operant conditioning all the time. I know it works and it is based in since. It works, I have seen it work, so I decided to run with it! (Adding here that I had the help and support of my therapist on this)
So, we came up with to encourage better mood and motivation using +/- reinforcement. We also decide to tackle destructive thought patterns, that lead negative behaviours, such as putting, hiding my feelings, and self-harm, using +/- punishment. +/- reinforcement, and +/- punishment comes under the banner of operant conditioning and is based on the research of B.F Skinner. Basically, it is the concept that Good consequences encourage repeat behaviour and Bad consequences discourages repeat behaviour. Positive reinforcement, is adding something in to increase likelihood of a behaviour being repeated. Negative reinforcement is removing something to increase the likelihood of the behaviour being repeated. It’s the same with punishment, but instead of increasing the behaviour it decreases the likelihood of it being repeated. So, what the boss man did was got to make reward charts. One for everyday house hold / work stuff/ Homework, like answering emails, food shopping and Doing homework. I also had one for Personal care and D/s stuff. At the end of each day if I get sticker on each of my charts for getting all my ticks, I get a £1 in my Treat money box (it has UNICORNS on it) I can also earn extra stickers and £££ by being extra good, or brave or for doing stuff without being asked. Those stickers can be given to me by the boss man or Babe. At the end of the month I can open my tin and spend the money on whatever I want or carry on in to the next month for even big rewards at the end of the next month. if the is something Massively stressful going on or that is going to take a lot of time to get to, I get rewards along the way and a big goal reward. I should add here that for me rewards are not gifts or treats. A lot of the times they can hugs, item spent as a family, extra free time or not having adult for the rest of a day. For punishment for things like hiding stuff or self harm, I lose my free time and privileges. This does not be loss of time as a family or time with the boss man. If I need comfort or support from him or the girls and I actively ask for that help, I get rewards for that! For putting myself down (which is the biggest thing that the boss man wants me to change) I either get made to write a list of 20 things I like about myself or good stuff I’ve done. Or I have to buy small gifts for 5 friends, write down what I said and then write a list of 5 reasons I’m awesome. (Sir Beasty came up with that idea)
The next thing we started using was classic conditioning. This theory is…

We used this for My panic and anxiety attacks. The biggest thing we did, and this was my CPN’s idea, was trained one of my dogs as a phytologic support dog. She is very laid back and calm, which flitters down to me. she has also been trained to notice my triggers and pull me away from them. So, she is my calm, by having my calm with me I start to identify that having her with me meant I was safe in the places. Also having her with me I have learnt to enjoy new stuff, like being in a group situation or talking in public. We also taught me to have safe places go when I feel the start of an attack coming on.

The next thing we used was counter conditioning to Help me with my Phobias Counter conditioning is basically Changing the emotional response to feared stimulus. For me some of things I fear (Phobias) like being seen necked by a partner and eating in public. For the being naked I got calm gentle encouragement to remove clothes and got to see that the more I show, the more sexually excited the boss man got. For the eating in public started with a calm relaxed pixie, sitting with people calmly eating, then to me having a drink with people eating, and then finally me eating with them.

Then we used one of my favour tools ever! Premack, this is a principle that to get the good reward you must do the less rewarding this first. basically, eat your veggies and you get to have ice cream! This for me is a great motivator. We used It when I was finding it hard to leave the house. If I walked to the gym I got to have a cuddle and training session with Steve (my hot personal trainer) if I went to the super market I got have a hot milk and a ginger bread man. If I went to a hospital appointment I got to have a happy meal afterwards!

The next thing we worked on was breaking bad habits. You will be really shocked to know that I have habits that drive the boss man up the wall! Like leave my car keys on the kitchen table, not tidying away my Lego or colour stuff or hooking the dogs lead on the banisters, so with gentle polite reminds from the boss man and the girls I stop doing the bad habits and start to use the desired good habit. Hanging my keys up, putting things away when finished playing with them and hanging dogs leads in the porch. It is said that it takes 28 to create a habit, and 3 months for that habit to become a behaviour, and you know, for me at least it’s true!
The last big thing the Boss man got me to work on is something I don’t openly talk about, but he thought I needed to include it, as it is a huge part of who I am. So here goes. I’m dyslexic and due to this I find reading, writing, and understanding incredibly hard. I’m not stupid, very far from it. But it does mean that I struggle and find things like reading complex letters, filling in forms, or writing emails that make sense, hard. It also means that I find getting and staying organised hard. I also have a form Of ADHD known as anxious ADD. It basically means that when my anxiety or stress levels are high, my brain kind of seize up. I can’t function, I get angry and frustrated, I come across as rude or aggressive to people. It also means that I have trouble judging peoples tone and meaning, so I find communication hard. With both it means that I find sudden changes to my routine or things happing unexpected knock me for 6 and I will and do sort of shut down.
The biggest thing I must deal with this are rules, limits, structure, and routine. It makes me feel relaxed and safe. Babe has helped me to learn to plan things out, so the is less stress of not knowing what is going to happen when. I have a detailed diary and household planner. Being a creative person it’s all brightly coloured, with sparkles and stickers. Anything written in them in pen , happens no matter what. But if something is written in pencil, it can be rubbed out and does not have to happen. The only people who can write in these are Myself, the boss man and Babe. Although I tend to get little notes from little bear and kitten, saying Boobies or I love you. I also get time outs. I know it sounds a little tot and like I’m a child, but again it works for me. I have two type. One is for when everything gets too much, it is given by Babe or the Boss man. I get sent to my quiet space (aka the box room). With no tech, know talking and sit and calm down. Babe or the boss man will come and check on me 20 mins later, and if I’m calm or crying I get cuddles and can then carry on with my day. I then have time outs that I give myself if I feel panic coming on. I will politely ask to leave what every situation I’m in. I will get my iPod, a drink, and my book, find a safe quiet spot, and calm myself down, before I end up in full on panic. When I feel better I re-join the family and carry on like nothing has happened. But I also have my little space that I go to when I just can’t cope. I will ask the boss man if its ok to and he then sort of takes over thinking for me for a bit. It is the only time that I do 100 % of what he says , without being able to ask questions. It normally involves activates I find calming, such Lego, colouring being read to or watching a Disney film. But it also involves lots of cuddles and reassuring words. The best bit is when I get sleepy and I get to take a nap with kitten!
So that is My/our take on behaviour modification, and how it has helped me. It’s a very personal take on it, but it is what works for me. I’m doing so much better than I was two years ago. I’m happy, steady, and doing things that I thought I was never going to be able to do again. It’s made my relationship with my Dom even more close and special. Its’s not for everyone, but it’s what works for this little pixie!

Dah da dah!

Good evening kinksters and nilias of the world!

So I have been a little bit on the poorly side again and had a blip on the depression front, but it is getting better! I was a really good girl and asked for help. the Boss Man and girls have been ace. i got give loads of help and the Boss Man has added in loads of stuff to support me! one of the things is a Blog challenge , as I did the 30 days of D/s and that helped massively with mood and structure in my everyday life! So he found 20 challenges, and ask Kitten to pick 5 and then asked girls to pick 1. Well then I ended up in hospital and Kitten and the girls had no idea which one to choose, so they asked Sir beasty to pick one. He was super cool and picked one for me! (fluffy breadie one is good!) So I will be staring that tomorrow! The boss man has also set me the task of writing a 2000 word story with in a month and I am starting that tomorrow as well!

This is my 30 day challenge …..

blog challenge!

I’m also going to make a super big effort to upload my Diary every Monday . I will also be finding a willing victims to do question times with the girls, cos we love doing it and also love asking questions and getting to know people! We are also thinking of doing a Sub problem page / agony aunt thing! So if you have a question , problem or want to be a victim hit us at pixieheartblog@hotmail.com .

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Second , first kiss…

As a young girl, I had seen first kisses in the black and white films I would sit a watch with my nana on a rainy Saturday afternoon. The would always be the beautiful woman, with her handsome beau, who swept her in to his waiting arms and soundly kissed, and then held her to his chest and rested his check against hers. The was always music with sweep strings and a gentle wood wind section, that would build with the passion of the kiss. That’s what I thought my first kiss was going to be like, 1940’s frock and hair, handsome older guy and passion.
So, when I finally got my first kiss with a boy at the tender age of 14, well I was in for a very rude awaking! It was so far from what I got. He was older than me by all of 2 months. He was spotty, with overly gelled hair and stunk of lynx deodorant. It was on a cold November lunch time, behind the school kitchen. The was no sweeping music as he grabbed my face, stuck his tongue in my mouth and tried to stick his hand inside my shirt. The thing that really put me off was him sticking his tongue so far down my throat that I gagged on it. After that I kind of gave up on the whole idea of kissing boys and anyhow 5 weeks after ‘the kiss’ I got kicked out of that school and sent to a PRU (I had been kicked out of 3 schools already).
‘My second ever proper kiss could not have been more different from the first. For starters, it was with a girl. See from a real young age I have known that I was attracted to both boys and girls. I also knew that I liked girlie girl, boobs, bums and curves. Long hair, dresses, and lipstick. The wonderful girl I shared my second, first kiss with was almost perfect, she had long blond hair and this whole Jo Whiley post grange look going on. She had curves and boobs, but also a quiet conference that I now know that I love in a partner. It happened in the garden of a friend’s house, after a long day of sunbathing and after a few drinks. We were sat talking and suddenly, she leant over and just kissed me, barely touching her lips to mine. I pulled back in shock and she backed off straight away and started to apologise for miss reading thing. I did know more than lean in to her, shush her and kiss her again this time harder, but still with a soft touch and lightness that had been missing in my first kiss. After a few seconds, I felt her tongue brush against lower lip and I opened my mouth to let the kiss deepen. I got lost in those long minutes of gentle passion and soft creases. But when I felt her finger touch the underside of my breast, I ember pulling back, letting out a whimper and her asking if it was ok. Was it ok?! Hell yes! We moved closer together and carried on kissing and groping over clothes for what seemed like hours, but then we heard footsteps and we sprang apart. It wasn’t the last kiss we shared and she was the first women I made love to, it did not last long a few weeks if that. She went off to uni and I had exams and life to deal with. But I will always ember my second first kiss, with a fondness, a blush, and a tighting in my tummy.

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x