Caught be the act… (part 1)

So this is the first part of a story that maitriser asked me to write, as a task! he wanted me to practice writing a story in parts and to see if I could live each part at roughly 500 words. I was also to try my hardest with the spelling and grammar. The reason for this is I have somewhat lost my faith in my self when it come to writing over the last few weeks and have been being realy hard on myself. So here is the first part,  hope you like it!

Caught in the act.
“So, I’m leaving now “Conner says, in an overly loud voice from some were behind me. I let out what I hope is a distracted “hmmm, ok “. trying my hardest to not look heart broken that he is off to spend the weekend rock climbing and goofing about with his Gym buddies. So, I stay glued to my paper, having read the same 3 lines a thousand times in the last 15 minutes. He picks up his bag and stomps out the house slamming the door behind him. I let out a sigh of pent up frustration and sexual tension.
I have been living with Conner Mathews for just over 5 months. At first, he was just my cute and funny room mate, who moved in when Amanda moved out to live with her boyfriend. She had suggested him as she knew he needed a place to live and knew I needed a roomie. who in her words could handle my ‘quirks’? But after a night of drinking and a slight break down, due to seeing my ex with his bimbo white trash girlfriend. We became good friends. But last month after coming home early with a head ache. I was not feeling great. walking around in a daze, straight in to the bathroom and straight in to a very wet and naked Conner, drying off from the shower. Ever since then I have been lusting after him like a stupid school girl.
So, when he said he was away for the weekend I kind of felt relieved. 3 days of not having to avoid looking at his tight ass, that flat stomach, with it’s 6 pack or those wide shoulders and strong arms. Not to mention that handsome face, deep blue eyes, and smile. God I’m worse than a teenager.
So, 5 minutes after he left I have striped down to my panties and cami, a Tom Hardy film on for a little inspiration. Lounging on the sofa, I let my mind wander a little. But it only gets as far as Bloody Conner. Those eyes of his boring in to me, making me wetter than I have ever been and making all the nerve endings in my body buzz. My hand falls to my cami and the swell of my breast. I stroke the underside of them, then trace the lace with me finger tip, and tease and pinch my nipples. Pulling my right breast out from my camie, I continue to play with my nipple. My other hand travel downwards, over my tummy, over the curve of my hip along the top of my black lace panties. my hand slips inside them, in to the folds of my clean shaved sex. finding that lit nub of delight, my head turns to the side and I open my eyes and let out a moan.
It is then I see Conner’s sun glasses on the coffee table, just as I hear the front door open and Conner’s voice saying, ‘I only forgot my sun glasses Mel, just back to get them’ and then his shocked gasp at finding his house mate mid wank in the living-room of there shared house.

Hugs ,

Pixie x

Masturbation Monday.

 

nee mm

Pixie’s Prompt – my love language .

Take the love language test , write done you result, is it true? Explain. max 300 words.

My results are:

10 Words of Affirmation
7 Acts of Service
6 Physical Touch
6 Quality Time
1 Receiving Gifts

So this was actually not that surprising . I’m not big on receiving gift , although I do get given lots as rewards for being a good girl. I love my cuddlies and spending time with my partners. The acts of service part well I don’t agree with that as I would much prefer to be the one doing the act of service, I think I’m just hard weird that way. The words of affirmation well yeah! no shocker there. I / We have none for ages that I turn to goo after a partner tells me they are proud of me , or stop and listen to me or tell me I’m doing a good job. But it is also that being told I’m loved and that I’m wanted is a sure-fire way to make me feel calmer and smiley. So on the whole I think it’s true except the act of service part, as I really don’t like it when people have to feel they need to do stuff for me. but the rest is pretty on point. quite funnily Kitten got nearly the same as me , Babe got a really high score in quality time and Little bears highest for physical touch. The Boss Man got 11 for acts of service and 1 for receiving gift, so I think it shows that we really are well suited!

See you tomorrow kinkies!

Hugs,

Pixie x

 

Pixie’s Prompt – three questions, 300 words.

Pixie’s Prompt – three questions, 300 words.
Answer the 3 questions in 300 words or less, but giving reasoned answer.

1) An important person in your life: My Great Aunty May. Simply because she is an amazing woman. Strong minded, open, and clever. She has taught me some many things about being who I am. She is a feisty lady, who is farce and brave, even when she’s not. But the thing I love about her the most is the fact she has been there every step of the way of my recovery. From hospital, to coming home, to remarrying and becoming a mum, she ha been there. Oh, and she can tell the boss man what to do!

2) A thing your life has in excess: Love, my life is full of love. Whether that is giving love, being loved, or feeling love. Some many different types of love. For friends, lovers, family, or my babies. I never thought it was possible to feel this much love and I’m a very blessed lady to have this amount of love in my life.

 

3) How you procrastinate: Well I don’t really! No, I do, but I also must have a lot of structure in my days, or I feel very stressed and like I’m just waiting time. That would then make me panicky and anxious and no one wants that. I guess I do like Pinterest and twitter quite a lot. I also enjoy stripping down to my panties and a t-shirt, turning up the music and dancing round the kitchen. Also, a big fan of taking long baths and naps. But then I am also happy to spend the day writing or to clean for a few hours. For me life is about balance and priorities.

See i can write something in under 300 words!

Hugs,

Pixie

Pixie’s Prompt – Blind Date…

Pixie’s prompt – blind date.
Write a scene about a blind date, gone wrong, that is between 300 and 600 words long.
I check my watch for the 10th time in the last 15 minutes, letting out a deep sigh. Well it’s pretty clear isn’t it, this Si guy isn’t coming, and I’ve been stood up! I got here 20 minutes early, sat on the steps hold a single red rose, waiting for 7pm to get here. I stayed till it got 7.30 and then panicking that I got the time wrong I stayed till 8, just in case. But now at 8.15, I’m giving up. I let the rose drop from my hand and my head and shoulders sag.
I don’t know why I let debs talk me in to coming or why I thought this would be any different to the other disasters that had come before it. She had been telling me that I needed to ‘get out there’ and start dating again, that 3 years of being single is too long, and after weeks she wore me down. I finally agreed to go on a blind date, just to shut her up.
First up first was Dave from the accounts department of the law firm she works at. He had spent the whole date explaining the off-side rule and bragging about his proses in the bedroom. Then the was her Boyfriends friends brother. I thought he was ok, till he turned out to be a trump supporter. oh, and then the was her hairdresser Rik. He turned up to meet Sid, thinking Sid was a man. Not Syd, the girl. The worst was the last, some geeky IT guy who had the worst Bo ever and who spent the whole date starring at my boobs and actually pulled a calculator out at the end of the meal to divide the bill.
No, that’s it, no more blind dates. I would rather be single than go through this again. I sigh again, running my fingers through my strawberry blond curls, closing my eyes sighing again. I start to stand up, opening my eyes, sighing again as I go. Only then seeing the man stand looking at his watch and looking round.
Just as I finally stand up straight he looks over at me and flashes me a shy smile and say’s “been stood up too ah?” I nod my head and that is met with a chuckle and a flash of humour in his blue eye.
My heart is hammering, and my tummy tightens as he crosses the road to where I’m stood. With a shy smile on his lips. “so, this is crazy, but I don’t suppose you fancy joining me for a drink?”.
For some reason I nod my head, suddenly wanting to get to know the handsome guy stood in front of me. the smile is back as he extends his hand for me to shake. “I’m Tom by the way”
“oh yes, umms hi Tom, I’m Syd.” I stammer out, shaking his hand. Wow he has firm hand shake runs through my head for some reason, oh and dear god he has sexy hands.
“is that Syd with a Y or and I? either way lovely to meet you, shall we?” as I let him usher me to the bar at the end of street. Well maybe tonight is not a total disaster after all.

Well that was fun!

Hugs,

Pixie X

Anger is an energy…

Anger is an energy.
Right let me start by say, yep totally ripped of John Lydon book. Now moving on to what this blog post is about shall we?! Well in a nut shell it’s about anger, how people see and treat it, and how it affects me and how I deal with it.
Anger is kind of the elephant in the room for a lot of people or a sort of forbidden emotion. I mean pretty much every other emotion is accepted, if not welcome. But poor old anger is always seen as a negative emotion and something you’re not meant to show. But like all things we try to keep hidden, when it finally comes to the surface it can be messy, hurt people and really fuck you up if you don’t deal with it. The way I look at it is, that anger is not always a negative thing, it is a very strong emotion with a lot of energy behind it, needing careful handling, but should not be feared, as we all at some point feel anger.
For me anger was and is a big part of my life, that I work hard on controlling. I know that may sound shocking to some, as online pixie is sweet and innocent, cute and little. With maybe the odd rant or rude word here and there. For the most part you would be right, but the is another side that you don’t see and that is the angry Pixie, who rants rages and has been known to throw plate at the boss man. I know shocking right?! But I am only human, and it is only natural to get angry sometimes. But for me anger has or did for a long time have a negative impact on my life. I was not allowed to show anger at home growing up. My mother would never allow it and my daddy would turn his anger on me in the form of a beating or horrid word. when I hit my teens, I started to have angry outburst, that I now know were due to not dealing with abuse and with having Anxious ADD. But I was lucky that some one saw this and I got sent to an anger magnet therapist and learnt ways to deal with it
For my anger has a few different Face. The is Mrs grumpy face that people get when I’m tired, feel unwell or get woken up by the phone at 6 am. Then the Rage monster, this is when I get mad at people being treated unfairly, people hurting those I love or some numpty cutting me up oh the rounder bout. It is normally accompanied with a lot of swearing, shouting and hot air. Then we have anxious, broken brained angry Pixie. I don’t now when or what this looks like, not as my brain switches off and I can’t function. I have been told I become short, extremally critical and rude with people. Then the is to me the scariest type, the silent sighing type, that I turn in on myself. It’s the one I get when I feel I have fucked something up or not done enough. It is my self-critical side and it frightens the crap out of me. it has in the past led to self harm, anxiety attack, and a few times trying to take my life. It is spiteful, rude, and aggressive and it is always turn in on me. It led to me losing my friends, disliking myself and not try anything.
But with everything I need to do in my life, I say, I’m working on it. Its not gone, but I am living with it. I did this by meeting it head on, challenging it and fighting it. I won’t let it rule my life and I do not deserve to fell like it makes me feel.
I have ways to deal with it, that I have learnt in therapy and from maîtriser. They are:
• Breath – Ok so deep breathing works amazingly well for so many things. But I also have a little mantra I say while doing deep breathing, it is ‘Breath just breath. Keep moving forward, take baby steps if you have too. But keep moving and just breath.’ Saying this brings me back down to a normal level of meness.
• Time out – So yes, I give myself time outs. Simply as turning my phone off, iPod on calming music and I go sit and calm down for 20 mins, not talking or interacting with anyone.
• Walk it off – Again as simple as putting my shoes on and taking a dog for a walk. I come back, and I’m calm and not going to kill anyone.
• Scream about it – Ok so this is always as simply as screaming. It normally involves the boss man taking me to the gym, stick loud music on and making me spare with him. The is highly stress reliving about kicking the crap out of someone.
• Talk or write about it – I see a therapist every 2 weeks and blog as a way of keeping a lid on things.
• Hug it out – ok so this is pure and simply my nana’s idea! When I was a kid, if I got angry instead of telling me off or shouting at me and resulting in me getting angrier. She would make me hug someone. Normally my granddah, her or my great, great aunty win. It was her belief and now mine that you can’t stay mad if your hugging someone.
So that is my take on anger and how I deal with it. I know it must seem a little strange to some but for me it really does work!

Hugs,
Pixie x

Pixie’s prompt – Music be the food of love….

Pic 3 pieces of music that mean different things to you. Explain what they mean to you and why? How do you feel when you hear them? What do you think of when your hear them?

The town I loved so welll , by Phil Coulte. (the High Kings version).

This is a song that was written by Phil Coulte of the Dubliners and it’s about his childhood growing up in a town called Derry in Northern Ireland. For me it takes me back to my childhood in Belfast and Armagh. I have some very happy memories of my childhood, which this song reminds me of. But on the flip side it reminds me of the troubles in Ireland. It also for me sums up the people of the towns I grow up in. Fiercely proud of are roots, Loving, caring and are refusal to let the troubles impact on are lives. It makes me happy and sad at the say time, with a little bit of home sickness thrown in for good measure.

One more light, by Linkin Park.
So this song is not the happiest of songs, and a few weeks after this song came out the leader sing of the band took his life. But I can really relate to it on a lot of leaves. When I’m really depressed I feel like my light goes out and that people cant see me. I love how this song sort of tells you that if your light really were to go out that it really would mater to people. That your not just one more light to go out and that we all mater. But I can also feel the pain of the person say that it would mater to them, reminding me of the pain I have felt when my friends have past away or try to hurt themselves . it a beautiful song that reminds me that no matter how bad I feel someone would miss you.

I’m Yours, by Ron Pope.

This was the song that maîtriser and I had been first dance at are wedding to, so it brings back memories of that. But it was also a song that he would sing to me as I was recovering from trying to end my life. Thinking about it I guess maybe it was his way of saying “oi, your daft cow I love you” But I was so poorly, both mentally and physically at the time, just nothing sunk in. But know when I hear it I just feel a rush of love and want to hug maîtriser. IT also reminds me that his mine and I’m his, for the rest of are lives!

Me and my broken brain – Fighting on.

My broken Brain – Fighting on.
So, I had a wee bit of a break down at the weekend (A all at once i’m sad again..). It was I guess a long time coming. I have had so many things going and with me if I drop one of the balls that I juggle, and everything comes crashing down around me. It leaves me feeling like I have failed, leading to me losing my focus, becoming over whelmed by everything and then not being able to do anything. It feels a lot like my brain freezes and I need help to defrost it. So today with maîtriser to hold my hand I went to see my CPN, as I was not sure of the best way to move forward. Not wanting to take on to much, but scared of doing to little. Knowing full well if I do either thing will only get worse and that I do not want to go back to my dark days. I should say My CPN is amazing and he has been there every step of the way after I tried to kill myself (it never gets easier saying that). At first, he was an NHS CPN, but when I was well enough to be discharged from the NHS care, maîtriser made me keep seeing both my physiatrist and CPN privately, as he feels my mental health is something that should not be neglected. Luckily for both wonderful mental health works have been willing to work with me as a privet patient. Even more luckily, we can afford to do this, I know the are so many people let down by mental health services.
So, after talking for a bit, my CPN agreed I am having a depressive episode and that my anxiety levels are high right now. After saying that aloud we sat and talked about a plan of action to get me better and back on track. We broke it down in to 3 parts and I have been made to promise not to try and do all 3 at once (DAMN!)
So, the first part is making sure I take of my basic needs as a human people. So, this is the plan for each of them:
• Nutrition – I must make sure I have 3 balanced meals a day and 3 snacks a day. Eating my 5 a day, clean protein, and complex carbs. Limiting processed food and refined sugars.
• Fulgide in take – Make sure I drink 3 litters a day of un caffeinated liquid, that is also low sugar. I also must limit my caffeine in take to 3 caps of a day and no caffeine after 1pm
• Exercise – 30 mins a day of something other than walking my dogs.
• Sun light / Fresh air – Spend 30 mins a day out side.
• Rest and relaxation – Spend 3o mins a day doing an activate that I find relaxing and peaceful. It must not involve tech or writing.
• Sleep – 7 hours at night, with a 30-min afternoon nap.
The next part of the get pixie better plan is kind the get your fight on part. It is al about dealing with what is in my head and not listening to the voices and push on. We are going to do this in 3 key ways, they are:
• Adapt to it – So my anxiety is stopping me doing things, but with anything if you think out side the box you can find away round it. I mean I can’t just get on a bus or train to go some place on my own, but if I have the babies or one of the dogs with me I can. As they give me something other than the thing that is making anxious to focus on!
• Challenge it – This applies to the negative voices in my head that tell I have failed, that I’m stupid or that I should just give up. The way I challenge them is. I write down the thing that I am thinking and how it made me feel. Then later with someone else, normally kitten I will sit down and find things that prove that they are not true.
• Fight it – This is the hardest thing to do, but it gives me the best feeling ever. I fight it in a lot of ways. Walking to the post box to post a letter when I get anxious about leaving the house. Or poking fun at my depression, calling it names back or refusing to listen to it.
The last part is my does and don’ts
My dos are:
• Stand tall.
• Breath.
• Ask for help.
• Talk about it
• Meet it head on.
My don’ts is:
• Don’t hide it.
• Don’t shy away from it
• Don’t feel ashamed of it.
Well that is my plan for getting my brain better, again. I also have 2 things I must remember as well, they are, I am enough and that it is ok to not be ok. With all this I feel a little brighter and lighter. Like I have a tiny bit of my fight back again. So yeah bring it!