From the Heart….

So this afternoon I woke up from my nap to a new Dm in my inbox on twitter, which is really quite exciting in my little world! But on opening and reading it my little world turned dark and grey. Someone had decided my use of the English langue , its quirky grammer and frankly bonkers way of spelling things, had offended them so much that they felt the overwhelming need to tell me and point out my failings. Which is super helpful of them , but in my eyes not very kind or thoughtful.

Now don’t get me wrong , I now I suck at spelling and grammar, I really do. But I do have reasons that I suck at it. I grew up in a house hold that spoke a mix of Irish Gaelic and Russian. I started to learn English when I was about 3 or 4 , but it took ages for me to pick it up. I was also a really shy little girl and had two wonderful big sisters that did most of my talking for me. That is one of the reasons the boss man calls me mouse, cos at times I’m so quiet , you would not know I’m there!

I am also dyslexic, which made reading and writing tougher than hell. it does not affect my number skills or my ability to understand things like science, history or geography. it does mean that I found it hard learning at school hard and that I get confused with big words and complex instructions. But I found ways to adapt and learn. I found that if I record what people are saying and play it back , I sticks in my brain. I can watch someone doing something and pick it up pretty quickly. I also pushed myself in the things I was good at, like art , design and science . I passed my gcses , alevels and went to uni getting a degree and masters in textiles and custom design. I

A few years ago I decided to retrain as a dog trainer and along side this I did some English and Itc courses. As I was dyslexic they offered testing to see if the was any extra help they could offer. it turned out that I also have a form of ADD . That means when I get anxious , which is most of the time , my brain sort of seizes up and I can’t do anything. it means I can be rude , distracted and if really bad aggressive . Finding out this explained a lot of things, such as not being able to judge people tones, some of the trouble I have with social interactions and shyness. i have learned tons of ways to deal with life. Like if I am really organised and sit down and plan things out , I can pretty much do anything. With help I got I went on to gain a second degree and masters , this time in canine psychologic, training and welfare.

So you see I’m not stupid, I just have a hell of a lot of stuff going against me when it comes to the English langue! I just want to say and ask people, please , please think before you Comment on other people’s post, tweets or updates. You never know what is hiding behind it. your ‘Kind words’ might not be met with a smile and a thank you. Luckey I vented on twitter and got support (go twitter pervs!). In days gone past I would have turn it on myself, beat myself up and more than likely ended up cutting myself. So again I say please think before you say things, you may curse more harm than good!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Blog challenge day 8 – What is something you are currently worrying about….

Well the is a lot of things that I’m worrying about right now, not sure I can narrow it down to jus one thing! So what I’m going to do is a thing I my therapist and the Boss Man get me to do, a worry list . what I do is a make a list of all the thing that I’m worried and then share it with at least 5 people, so I’m going to do it here and share it with you all!

  • Being Pregnant – It not an easy thing for me to deal with, ok I know no woman goes yay pregnancy what a riot. But with all the health issues I have and mental health stuff some days it’s just bloody terrifying!
  • motherhood – I did not have a good time growing up with my mother, and trust me that is putting it lightly. It has left me worrying that I won’t be able to bound with my babies when they get here. or that I won’t be a good mother and I will turn out to be just like my own mother.
  • My Daddy – My daddy has bipolar , Parkinson’s disease and Pick disease . His not that old , his 71, but every day we seem to lose a little more of him. In recent months his become very erratic and lashes out at people. with being pregnant it means I can’t spend time with him on my own, it’s just not safe.
  • My Mother – As I have said I don’t get on with my mother , I never have and I never will. We are polar opposites and want very different things in life. But I still love her, and that will never stop. 7 months ago she was sent to prison for Drink driving among other things , and for the last 7 months I have not seen or spoken to her. over the weekend gone she was rushed to hospital after have trouble swallowing and vomiting blood. It was thought it due to years of heavy drinking and smoking , but on Sunday she was found to be suffering with cancer of her throat. It hit me kind of  hard, left me not knowing how to fell or what to do. Thankfully the boss man took over talking to my sisters, who wanted me to drop everything and go see my mum. It has turned out not to be as bad as first thought but it’s terrifying.
  • Crufts – I have some how got 3 dog through to different thing at crufts next year. I am also teaching and working on the KC youth stands. It’s going to be epic, but tiring and the is going to be a lot of training and prep involved !
  • Work – I have had to give up working till after the babies get here. as I have said I was struggling to cope with a really busy schedule , working in a field that knocks you sideways and is incredible physically demanding. So I am having to think at what level do I need to go back after the babies get here. Hopefully I will be able to go back in to teaching and also get back to working with rescue dogs!

So those are the main worries going round my pretty little head, I have told you and now I will let them go , and breath!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Me, my tattoos and I…

Me, my tattoos, and I…
Ok so a while ago some one said I should make a list of all my tattoos, noting when and why I got them, and what they mean to me . I should point out that I have a HUGE thing for tattoos! (slight under statement there I think) I have 35 of them and for me they all have special meanings. when it comes to people and their tattoos, well I it kind of hits me on a lot of different level. I personally see tattoos as an art form. Some of the work I’ve seen over the years, simple blows me away. It takes a lot of time and skill to be able to draw something complex, beautiful, and detailed on someone’s skin! I also have a thing for the Pinup look on women and tattoos seem to sit beautifully with that look. Mistresses or female tops with tattoos turn my in to a little subbie puddle. Dom males with muscles, breads and tattoos and I’m making puddles! (phaw! You should see the boss man with his shirt off!!!!). When I first met maîtriser, before we were what we are now, I remember him sitting with me at a club and telling what and why and the meaning of his tattoos. I guess it was one of the first things I feel in love with him for. I mean no other person I knew, would sit with me, and talk about tattoos, cos I was drunk and sad.
So, I have made a list, starting at the top and ending at the bottom, well my feet!
1. Feather behind my right ear. I got this done after my nana passed away. My granddad always said that me and my nana were very alike. he also said we were like feather, we looked like we could break, but we were stronger than we look. So, I got it to feel close to my grandparents, who meant the world to me and who I miss every day!
2. Black paw print inside a blue heart, centre of shoulder blades. Simply down cos of my love of all things dog. I retrained as a dog trainer and then as a behaviourist.
3. Left shoulder blade, skull, and cross bones (waiting to be finished with waves round it). I love pirates and the sea. With the waves, it will become a half sleeve. Also makes me look tough and bad ass, although maîtriser said I’m about as frightening as baby sloth!
4. Left shoulder, back Japanese characters for – Protection, calm, and strength. These were done when I went off to uni, kind of an act of rebel. My mother hates tattoos on women so it was a way of sticking 2 fingers up at her. Everyone was getting Chinese catchers, so to be a little different I went with Japanese’s!
5. Crescent moon and 4 stars right shoulder on my back. The moon is for a fiend I lost to cancer at school (she was 15) and the 4 stars are friends I lost to Aids, every time I loses a friend I add a star.
6. Double over lapping Heart under moon in black and blue. First tattoo I got done at the age of 15! I got it done, again to piss my mum off, but it’s in the same spot as the one my daddy has on his back and its almost identical to his! I love my daddy!
7. Writing under left boob in Gallic ‘Never by force ‘
8. Writing under right boob in Gallic ‘never without consent’
9. Middle of chest between boobs Gallic ‘always with love’ so I had other writing first, but after I split from my ex I decided I wanted to change to something to remind me that no one has the right to use force on me to get what they want. So my friend John came up with this! It’s in Gallic as that is what I grew up. (mixed with Russian)
10. Under gallic script, gothic scroll work and heart. Had this done last year as I wanted to make it a feature. I really love the whole gothic art look so that is what my friend john went for.
11. Left forearm black heart and J+n – part laser removed. Drunk tattoo from the first bulldog bash (biker festival) I was having it removed by lazer, but it triggered my vitiligo so I’m now going to get a cover up, just don’t know what!
12. Right wrist arrow and Warr; or. So, this is a tattoo that means a huge amount to me. I had it done 4 hours after I was realised from hospital after trying to take my life. I had been in hospital 3 ½ months and it had been an uphill struggle to get myself to the point that they let me go home. The; is to mark that my story is not over and the warrior is now how I look at life and mental illness. I fight it every day of my life, from that point on!
13. Middle of back, pentagram – Again to piss my mum off, but also cos it looks pretty.
14. Small of back New Zealand tribal shield. I think this was the 3rd one I got done and I just adore it. My friend john did this one and it was a first for both of us, as it was done without any outline and free hand!
15. Left hip RAF sweet heart wings, RAF covered by a red heart now. My Granddad, my daddy and my Ex were all in the RAF. I Got sweetheart wings done cos I was very much in love with my ex and he wanted a sort of mark of ownership. I am very supersites and direct refused to have his name on me, so I went for sweetheart wings. I got the RAF part covered over after we split.
16. Goth tinker bell right hip. Get this done at the age of 17, it was a straight tinker bell, till a few years later when I started hanging out on the fetish scene and really got in to the goth style of clothing and make up.
17. Left bum check Good girl (Cherry that was above it lazered.) Got this done when drunk on holiday with my ex in Malaga. Oh the shame! I got the cherry that was above it removed, as well I lost that cherry a long time ago!
18. Under left bum check ‘666’ brand style tattoo. Again, drunk tattoo done at the bull dog bash! Growing up my parents had hoped for a boy, but after having me my mother was unable to have more kids. For her it left her not really liking me and blaming me for the lack of sons. For my daddy, it meant that all the things he would have done with a son, he did with me. Fishing, rugby, and motorbikes! I learnt to ride 2 up at like 4, to ride a scrambler at 6 and trials bikes at 8. I went on to do trails and motocross till I was 20. then I went on to learn to road race and then drag race. All Ong with road racing came biker festivals as a teen. To this day, for me and my daddy motorbikes are a passion and something I could bore you all with more, but I won’t today!
19. Left thigh scare turned in to a creator. Hmmm, this is going to be tough to explain, so bear with me! When I was 17 I was suffering from my first bout of grown up depression, I was hiding it and just how bitterly unhappy I was. It got to a point that I did not want to be here anymore so one night when out with a biker chum, I was riding 2 up, we went around a sharp bend, and I simply let go and pushed myself of the back, hoping that was it for me. Luckily, I woke 10 days later in hospital. Not so lucky was the amount of me that I had broken. I had dislocated both shoulder, broken a wrist, 4 ribs, my pelvis, and all the bones in my left leg. I got help and I heald, but I was left with a narly scare on my left thigh. My friend john, knowing how much I hated it, turned it in to a creator and add other smaller tattoos to cover the small scare that I had on my thigh too!
20. Upper left thigh, small red flower. Love flower and this covers where I had meatal frame to help my leg heal.
21. Upper left thigh, k9 from Doctor who. I love dogs and doctor who, so why not?!
22. Left thigh at the back-Celtic knot. I’ m really proud of my Celtic roots and love not work!
23. Back of left thigh Irish cLruder. The boss man has the same one over his left pec. We got them done when we got engaged!
24. Outer left thigh part of do not go gentle in to the light. It reads’ Do not go gentle into that good night.’ Love this poem, love Dylan Thomas and this is my way of saying ‘I’m not going to give up on anything without a fight!’ I also read this at my nana’s funeral.

25. Left thigh, butterfly with purple wings. This was done to show that I’m a survivor of domestic abuse and that by talking openly about it that I have been set free from it!
26. Left thigh, mermaid. Just love mermaid!
27. Inside left thigh, Arabic script saying, ‘what makes you different, makes you beautiful’. I have a little Arab blood in me and I love this saying.
28. Inside left thigh ‘So very thankful’ this was done after I Od at uni, but survived it!
29. Left inside thigh shooting star. Got this done in houner of a friend who died working in the mild east.
30. right inside thigh 3 red hearts, covering up kisses. Got this changed after getting together with my little poly family. Each heart is one of the girls!
31. Under right bum cheek, dragon in the style of the one from the hobbit. Love the hobbit and love the art work in the book.
32. Inside left thigh, Latin saying ‘love conquers all’ For the Frenchman, cos it does and it did!
33. Right outer ankle bone, small blue rose. My granddad had this on his forearm and had it done when he was serving in japan after ivy day bringing home POW. I remember him telling us some horrendous stories as kids. Any how I liked it and got it done.
34. Left outer ankle bone, black flaming heart. HAHA, this is my Bicker tattoo. I have this same heart on the tanks of all my bikes. #biker
35. Under flaming heart, the word Ohana. Get this done very recently and is the same as the ones the girls got done. We are all fans of Lilo and stitch and love the meaning of this word. It kind sums are little family up I think!
So that is all of them not sure why this has, but I cried a little writing it. I have not thought about some of them for a long while. Most bring back happy thoughts and memories, but some a harder to remember. I need to say a specail thank you to kitten for helping me list them all and for the Frenchman for not distracting me from writing this. Also, I want to say sorry to the poor mail man for making you fall over when you saw some tattooed, naked chick sat at her kitchen table writing!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Oppss I did it again…..

Well world I have gone and landed myself in trouble , again, big trouble this time 😦 See this week has been massively full om for me. I have been writing courses content, presentation for a 3 day conferences and trying to sort classes out in the UK from the USA. I have been running around trying to be everything to everyone. I have been forgetting to eat at times and not taking naps when I need to. I have put myself down, I have allowed myself to be belittled by people and taken to heart some silly comments from unkind people. So Maîtriser has told me I have to list everything I have done and then the punishment for this and then post it on my blog. So here goes….

  1. I have not been eating my 3 meals a day and forgetting to have my 3 snacks a day.
  2. I have put myself down a total of 15 times in a row, even after being given warnings.
  3. I said I looked fat and that maîtriser is crazy for still wanting me when I’m fat and ugly .
  4. I pushed Kitten away when she trying to comfort me.
  5. I forgot to eat before bed on 3 nights, leading to 3 hypo .
  6. I refused to let Babe drive when I was tired and need her help.
  7. I grumped at my great Aunty May .
  8. I forgot to test my blood sugar levels for 3 days.
  9. I took a Skype call  from my Daddy with out someone with me.
  10. I took an email from my sister to heart, when she had no right to say what she did.
  11. I refused to take my afternoon naps.
  12. I took on more work than I could handle and refused help when it was offered.
  13. I refused help with my chores.
  14. I said I was fine when I came over faint in the groceries store.
  15. I went to mass when i was meant to be resting.

My punishment is as fallows. For the next 2 weeks maîtriser we chose what i wear, eat and how i spend all my free time. I am to take an afternoon nap between 3.30 pm and 4.30pm every day. I am to do everything i am told without answering back, if maîtriser is not about to tell me what I should be doing i must ask Babe. i have lost the right to my alone time for the 2 weeks . i am not allowed to speak to my sisters or father without maîtriser for the next 2 weeks. All emails, social media and blog post must be joked by maîtriser, Babe or Sir Beasty. I am to eat 3 times a day, have 3 healthy snacks a day and i must drink 3 litter of fluids a day. I am on a total caffeine ban for the next 2 weeks and i am not to have soda. i must have my phone with me at all times and i must not leave the house without Bella and one of the girls. i am not to go over 100000 steps in one day. i am not allowed to drive for 2 weeks, I must keep my diary and list all sleep, food and bs level in it. all this has been done for my own sake and i must try harder not to break my rules.

Well that’s it! See not all punishments are about spankings and kinky stuff. This for me has really hits me where it hurts , being made to very publicly admit what I have done and how i fucked up is really hard, to have my free time and freedom to answer back is going to be so hard. but i know that it’s done out of love , concern and so i look after myself better.

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

When Real Life Interferes With Your D/s .

So this mornings breakfast discussion thanks Loving BDSM’s 30 days of D/s is what happens when real life interferes with your D/s . Well this , for us is quite an emotive topic right now. We have had a lot of stuff to deal with , outside of are normal (well D/s) life and routine. Babes sister passed away, Little bear had major surgery and Kitten stop eating. Are little family got hacked and targeted by Cyber Baddies. I found out I was pregnant , I’m have treatment to strengthen my immune system and I have started writing my own course for dog trainers. maîtriser has changed from working every hour god sends in god only knows where , To working Monday to friday, a max of 14 hours a day and working in london or are home town. We are also in the proses of finding a house in New jersey and moving out of the uk. So you could say we have a few things going on! lol just a few.

My Great Aunty May summed what we do really well. We stick together, support the one who is struggling , talk about it, and if tea, cuddle’s and talk can’t fix or mend it. We come out fighting (Fight, fight , fight!) . The are times like when kitten stopped eating that maîtriser will come down hard on us. But if us girls think he is being to harsh we will send in Babe . She could have been a hostage negotiator, She is very calm and has a way of putting thing to maîtriser so he sort of thinks it was his idea. Again taking Kitten stopping eating , He wanted her to go in to hospital to get help. But for us that would have killed and it would in my humble opinion really hurt kitten. So Babe came up with a compromise of Kitten seeing the gp, starting back with her therapist and Doing freelance design work from home. maîtriser agree and bingo with therapy , working from home and antidepressants , with in a month she was on the mend!  (also are lovely Sir Beasty let her vent and cry on his shoulder) .

From my part , I have rules that help me deal with stuff like mental health issues and physical health stuff. I must have some one come with me to all doctor appointments , I have to see a therapist once a week , do my daily physio and I have to take all the meds and do my nebs everyday! maîtriser also puts someone in charge of sorting out a visiting plan for when I’m in hospital. I’m really luck that the hospital have agree to allow me to have someone with me from 8am till 10 pm . purely on the fact that , I find play really hard to cope in hospital (I know who does?) but I also have a bad habit of not asking for pain meds, nebs or stuff to calm me down. So by having a person with me , they will go straight to a Doctor or nurse if they notice anything wrong. Bless , most of the time I have My Aunty May with me. She basically turns up and 9 am , sits in a chair , knits , makes sure I do as I’m told and we watch midsummer murders!. The girls come in after work and we have dinner together . maîtriser comes in every morning before work and brings me peach tea, a gingerbread man and cinnamon and raisin bagels. (yup I’m a very spoilt girlie) . I know people are doing cos they love me and want to, and you know what?!? it means so much to me!

So to recap we deal with real life getting in the way, we talk , talk and talk some more . we support each other, we are watchful of others feelings and stay open to compromise. If it is one person having problems we will find ways to help them , by playing to their each of are one strength. if we feel maîtriser is being to hard on one of us girls , we send in Babe. maîtriser  will also do stuff to help. Like if I’m tired and poorly . He orders me to take a sofa with are little bear (think blanket fort, with colouring , Disney films , little food , jammies, her stuffie and my anxiety blob and naps while cuddling!). or if little bear has to see a doctor , I’m  allowed to take her and afterwards we get to go have a happy meal! (were not allowed fast food normally). if it is something that effects all of us , we stick together , talk about , come up with a plane of action and meet things head on , together. If all else fails we come out fighting!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

 

Big me… (or Saturday night punishment!)

So, a few weeks ago the Boss man made me sit down and write a list of things my little side loves doing. Well after having a minor melt down last night (yeah right!)  I have been sat in front of my lap top and told to write a list of all the things that grown up side of me loves about myself! I feel I should explain why I had a meltdown. Firstly, the Frenchie had to work late as a client was not in the mood to get up till 3 pm, meaning he had to work late and again break are plans for the evening, at very late point in the day. Kitten and Babe had promised to spend the evening at home, but got offered some last-minute work, that they took and broke are plans. Then to top this off are sweet little bear went to see her mum, who she is not meant to see on her own, braking are plans for a family night at home! I got pissy and grumpy that I had been left at home on my own. I stroped at several of my friends, that reminded me that others have jobs and lives of their own to lead. Now I will say the way I acted was a little selfish, rude and I was childish, but maîtriser has also pointed out that we were all at fault for not actually talking it through and for being a little bit thoughtless to the others in are little family. Kitten has had to go without her phone for 4 hours, Babe has had to do as she is told, without asking questions all day and my darling little bear has not been allowed sweets, ice cream or peanut butter all day. that may not sound like punishment to most but the boss man knows how to make the punishment sting! Lol That would be why I’m sat writing on a Saturday night and not cuddled up in bed with the girls! But bless him he’s said we could give him a punishment for braking his promise of being home on time and not working late on a Friday night. We decided he must come home on time every night for 2 weeks and we should be allowed to go shopping at Victoria’s secrets when we go to the sates at the end of the month! (I should mention that when we went to NYC last year for kitten and my birthday we spent a HUGE amount in the space of a 3-hour visit!) So, any way here’s My list of BIG me things …

 

 

1)      I hold an BA & MA in fashion and textile design, but chose to retrain as I was very unhappy working in that field. I now hold a second BA in a different area.

2)      I run not 1, but 3 business.

3)      I run a house hold of 5 adults, 7 dogs and whoever else happens to be in it! (we have an open-door policy)

4)      I speak fluent Gallic, Russian, French and English. I also speak polish, Arabic, Latin and German, at a conversational level. I’m also learning Italian, for fun!

5)      I used to road and drag race motorbikes for fun. I stopped racing 2 years ago, due to ill health but I still work from time to time as pit crew!

6)      I own 3 motorbikes of my own

7)      I have 35 tattoos and 7 pricings.

8)      I am a member of the guild of mater tailors.

9)      I have worked in London, Paris, Amsterdam, and Belfast.

10)   I love all things Corsets!

11)   Likewise, I have a HUGE passion for posh underwear!

12)   I have 2 Nieces, 2 nephews, 13 goddaughters, 11 godsons, who mean the world to me.

13)   I have a very high pain threshold and fall asleep getting inked!

14)   I can break it to houses, hot wire a car, and pick locks

15)   I hold a door people’s license for all the boughs in London, surrey, and Sussex!

16)   I played rugby and basketball at uni, as well as kick boxing and normal boxing.

17)   I can take down the prop forward for London Irish!

18)   I’m fiercely loyal, kind to a fault and believe in 2nd chances, but cross my twice and I’m coming at you all guns blazing!

19)   I Love my Maitsier and my Girls more than words.

20)   I survived 14 year of  Domestic abuse, that ended in rape and almost being killed. (that is the first time I have ever written that down for people outside my circle to read)

 

 Well that was cathartic!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x