My #Metoo

My #Metoo.
Warning- this post is going to contain domestic violence, mental and sexual abuse, sexual assault, rape, self-harm, and attempted suicide.
So, I have thought long and hard about writing this, and until a few weeks ago I would have told that I was not strong enough or I was not read. But over the last few weeks I have been reading a lot of #Metoo blog post and they have helped come to terms with what happened to me and changed my way of thinking. I had not realised how much something that I had very little if any control over has been holding me back and how much I let it affect me still. So, with the blessing of Maîtriser and the approval of my therapist I’m going to write it down and then move forward without it weighing me down anymore. I need to let it go and forgive myself, because even now after everything I still feel it was partly my fault for not leaving or speak up about what was happening. So, I’m going to do this and not look back on it anymore. It is going to leave stripped bare and showing all my scares. But I must do this, cos I don’t want to hide it anymore. So here goes.
I meant my ex-husband when I was just 17 and doing my A – levels. I was on a night out with friends and I spilt my drink on his shoes. We go to talking and he bought cocktails. he was 24, in the forces and in a position of power. He was charming, clever, handsome, and confident. Everything I wasn’t. at first he made me feel loved and cared for , but also let me know I was lucky to be with him. He was also from the start very demanding sexually. After a few months he became very possessive and controlling, but I was flattered that he wanted to be with me.
After passing my A- levels I started at university in London. This marked a period of my relationship that I found very hard. Every time he went on a tour of duty we would break up, I would not see or hear from him for months at a time. I would try and move on with my life, only for him to come back and us to make up, and my world got turned upside down, over, and over.
It was this time that I met My Darling Kitten. She was in the year above me and was stunning. She has a very quiet nature, but is also a very loving and passionate lady. When I was broken up with !”$£ we dated and had some of the best sex I had ever had. She was a submissive with a dominate, and it was her who took me to my first ever fetish club. I met her Dom (The boss man) and we became friends and he took me under his wing and looked out for me.
When I was back together with!($£ I came out to him as bi and told him I thought I might be a submissive. He was a little shocked at first, but soon came around to the idea, deciding he was going to be my master and I his whiling Slave (I’m not a slave, I am submissive.) Instead of the caring and loving D/s I had seen in clubs, this wasn’t what we had. I was humiliated, I had no rules, no safe word or the right to say no. He also used this a weapon against me and to get his own way. I guess this also where the physical abuse started really. The odd kick or slap here and there, were in his eyes just punishments. He started coming o clubs with me and Kitten, he even met the Boss Man. He was controlling, but also made very free with offering my body to other people. Letting them touch me without asking and ordering me to do things I was not happy doing. It left me feeling dirty, used degraded and hurting, but I thought I loved him and after all the had to be some suffering as a submissive, right? He also started bringing people in to our sex life, that I was not attracted to nor did I want to be friends with them. Drugs and alcohol were used by him and others. But I refused to take illegal drugs, and I got the beatings for it.
After I finished university and after work in in Paris for 2 years, we moved in together in a house that I had bought from my parents. For a while things were ok and almost stable, almost. But after he left the forces and we got engaged that when things got bad. The odd slap or kick turned in to full on beatings, that left my broken and bleeding. Living together meant that I had no freedom what so ever. I worked long hours in the film industry and when I got home, it was like walking on egg shells. The slightest thing would set him off. He checked my phone, my emails and I was given very little money. He controlled who I saw and when. I became isolated from my friends and most of my family. But I still went through with marring him, as by then I was so ground down I did not see any way out. My sister was worried and thankfully she made sure the money I had inherited from my godmother. He also became extremely sexually aggressive and demanding. My life had become a living hell and it was getting worse by the day.
Then came the final limit. He came home and told me he had another woman pregnant and needed money for her to ‘take care of it’. For so reason red and decided enough was enough. I told him to leave, I scream at him to get out and never come back, and I through cup at his head. But that was just a red rag to a bull and he lost it.
He grabs me by the wrest and dragged me upstairs to are bedroom and slammed the door. He placed his had round my throat and squeezed till I blackout. I came around a little while later, in pain and bleeding. when he noticed I was awake well that was when the nasty stuff happened. For the next 4 hours of was beaten, sexual assaulted, raped, and chocked till I past out. Then a suddenly as it all started it ended. He fell asleep and that is when I got up and made a run for safety. I hide in my offices, locking the door and called my friend Steve. To be honest I don’t remember much after that. The was Steve, police, examinations, and pain. I tried to hide a way and block it out, pretending that I was fine and could cope.
The truth was, I wasn’t, I was fulling apart. I wasn’t sleeping or eating. When I did try to sleep I had flash backs to what had happened. I felt dirty, shammed, and broken. Yes, I had survived, but I was I hell and wished I had died. with the police involved and everyone knowing what had happened just wanted to hide. But I put on a front of being ‘ok’. I then started to lose time and I would find myself in places I did not remember going to.
Now this is the part that I am so ashamed of and hate myself for the most. I could not take the mental pain I was in, leaving in fear or the total lose of control. I was tired mind, body, and soul. I saw no future and that was what made me decided that the world would be better off without me. So, I stopped taking the meds I used to keep myself healthy. I got a months’ worth of my pain killers, antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds and a bottle of vodka. Took them all and laid down and waited for the pain to end. Lully, I was found and got to hospital in time to save my life. But hospital was hell, I was frightened and alone. I text Kitten to say what had happened and that is when she came back in to my life.
Her, Babe and maîtriser swooped in and came to look after me. They offered me love, care and support. The kept me safe and guided me, but gave me the space to put myself back together again. They saw past the adult and rape victim and saw me.
It wasn’t all plan sailing. I spent 3 months in a cardiac rehab centre. I was under the care of a psychiatrist and can. I had to see a therapist and can, and had therapy 3 times a week. I had to deal with the full out with my family and friends. Then the was the whole court and prosaicism thing, but I got through it somehow.
It has take a lot of hard work and dedication for me to take my life back. The have been heralds, set backs and very low points. I’m still not fixed, and I don’t ever think I will be 100% fixed.
But what I have found is that I am the me I need to be. I have a life now that makes me happy and I feel fulfilled for the first time in my life. I am still working on myself, but who isn’t? so for now I’m the me I need to me to be.
The one thing I want to say and ask of who ever reads this, please don’t see me as a victim and feel sorry for me. I am fighting back from what happened to me. It could of beat me, but I have chosen to live, I am a saviour and a warrior, not a victim, don’t treat me like one.

Dairy 8/1/18 to 14/1/18.

Diary: Mouse
Monday 8th January 2018:4am: Sweet baby J! How much snot can two babies make? Every time I put one down the other cries or starts coughing. Hate this, I should be able to make them better.
7am – Thank you for bringing me tea! And thank you for offering to take the day off to look after them, but I’m a big girl I can do this. You have so much work on, it does not do for both of us to be tired! Love you x
7.45 – Aunty May has turned up with her knitting. She is making me breakfast and then told me to go take a nap, she also said she will sit with the girls while I nap. She has made a pot of tea, has her book and her knitting. When I tried to say I was fine, I got told to hush, eat my eggs and be a good girl. I’m being Domed by my 82-year-old aunty!
11.50am – Holy cow! I really was shattered! Being woken up with a cup of tea and told to take a shower and that lunch is at 12.30 is the best feeling in the world!
12.30pm – I think today is about just holding it together and not over thinking things! My head is not a pretty place to be today. So, I am not going to over do it or push myself to hard. Aunty May has made bonfire night soup and soda read, with proper butter.
1.30pm- Aunty May is watching the babies and I’m off to dump rubbish!
2pm- home and planning tonight’s classes! I am terrified that after 4 months of not teaching owners that my brain has turned to mush! Might have to extra meds tonight 
3pm – I have wrapped the babies up warm, got my hat, scarf, and gloves on. Bella and mad eye have their coats and harnesses on we are going for a walk, I need fresh air.
4pm – lord, that really did help! Blowy, cold, and damp, but it helped!
4.20pm – babies sleeping, so I’m doing 30 mins of writing!
4.45pm – Ok given up writing chatting with snuggles and Sir Beasty instead, much giggles to be had!
5pm- time to cook dinner, best steer clears of the garlic tonight!
5.55pm – Did you know this is the first ‘Dinner time’ we have all sat down to after a full working day this year? I do love that everyone turns up at 5.5o or so and we seem to spring in to action as a little family unit!
6.30pm – well time to get changed. Again, thank you for offering to come and support me at classes. But I need to do this for myself.
9pm – lesson done! I did it go me!
11pm – bedtime story, snacks and lights out. it has been a hard day, tomorrow will be kinder!
2am – great now they want Justine Bieber songs with their feed! You git!
Tuesday 9th January 2018: 5.30am – Mwah! Thank you for getting up with the girls and doing feeds and bums! I really need to stretch!
6.30am – so I’m having breakfast in bed with kitten, we have a secret mission for Sir Beasty! Maw-ha-ha-ha!
8.30am- so dressed and ready to go to my English class! Babies and I seem to of dressed the same today! Did you mean to do that??
9.30- Tiger have unicorn head phones again! I may have just bought 4 pairs. #sorrynotsorry
10am – English lesson time!
10.45am – Oh bum in a jock strap! Sir Beasty is on-line and wants to chat and I don’t want to be rude, but also, I need to do brain work!
11.20am – ok I may have eaten MacDonald’s fries, sorry!
12.30pm – Jeans, t-shirts and hoddies bought, now home for lunch.
1pm – Uncle Fred is here and has salad sandwiches! Lunch time companion!
2pm – stuffed! Babies down for naps, mummy is doing house work!
4-pm – house cleaned, tea prepped, and babies fed, burped, changed bums and back to sleep. I’m off to write in little space!
5.30pm – so you are waking me up with kisses was nice, but I wasn’t sleeping. Just checking for light leaks! So, you fancy a hand job before tea?
6pm – girls home from work and we are having chinses food cooked by you?! umm ok then!
7pm- you let me have veggie noodles and did them all safe and everything! Not that I’m saying this, but do you fancy cooking dinner in the nude sometime, we would love that! 😉
8.30pm – Clean Babies, fed and in bed! Bed as told, but can I write, story idea! Please!!!
11pm – Bedtime story and tuck in?! don’t like babe being away and little bear working nights!
Wednesday 10th January 2018: 6am – Yoga time! Stretchy Pixie time!!!
7.am – I don’t like not having little bear or babe here breakfast. It feels empty and I miss them):
8.30am – see you tonight x x x x. house work started kitchen and babies sorted. And little bear tucked up in bed. She looked little and tired):
9am- Ummm so let me get this straight, you want me and the babies to take Big Steve shopping for suits and to have lunch with him? Oh, Ok if I must!
9.30am- His got the big car! I have decided I want to be Tigger for the day! I bounced on stave and Sir Beasty!
10am – let me at them suits!!!
1pm- Good lord, that man knows how to shop! He got the twins gap hoodies and jeans! We are having Mexican food for lunch!
2.30pm- home from lunch, babies fed, changed, and tucked up for naps. That is where I’m heading now, before you grump at me!
4pm – blimey I was a tired Pixie pops! Little bear has woken up in a very good mood and even got the babies up. Found them sat on the floor watching TV together! Yes, I know but they looked like they were watching with her, ok?
5pm- Well that is babies fed, bag backed for tomorrow, lunches made, outfits laid out and washing on. Now for dinner!
5.45pm- You was nearly late! Go get changed or no dinner!
6pm – yes, I did you stake for dinner and yes, I made baked spuds, who does the food round here buster!
7pm- shower time with kitten, can we play please?
7.50pm – Thank you for sitting and watching big man, I do love that!
8pm – baby baths are such fun! Umm I do think we might be taking a few to many pics though, maybe?
9pm – Babies asleep, and yes, I’m off to bed!
10pm – I swear writing for an hour before bed helps me get sleepy as hell! Can we “cuddle” please, that would help me and kitten sleep!
11.30pm – holy fuck, I know kink of the week is anle , but FUCK! Oh and what the fuck got in to you!!! I’m going to have bruises for weeks and the teeth marks on my shoulder, nice touch! But now sleep? Please?
Thursday 11th January 2018:5am- Connie and Evie want to come and do yoga, no really they do and I might want quiet cuddles, is that ok?!
6.15am – have you got you sleuth pants on today?! How did I not hear you come down and start breakfast? Not complaining! Boiled eggs and avacrdo toast! Love you x
7am – kitten cuddles, baby bathing and hot tea!
8am – double checking my bag, for the 5th time. I am so nerves and nervous. Will you please look after my babies? I know you will, but love them extra hard for me? Connie likes to see Evie when she goes down for her naps and does not like wearing her mittens, but needs them on cos she is itchy. Evie likes cuddles before her morning feed, holding Connie’s foot when you do her nappy and like raspberries on her tummy once it’s done. You know all that right? They don’t like radio 4 or 1, but love radio 2 or Kane fm.
8.30am – Coffee money and a lift! Thank you x x x x
9am – here goes!
10.15am- Why are you sending me pics of you willy? And very rude exploit text? Need you knob now!
10.30am – Thank you for saying I can go calm myself down, but what if I get caught or something?
10.45am – Did it! Now I need to behave or I’m not going to do well in this class.
12.30- Lunch time. I’m going to sit in the outside seating bit. I know I should go and find someone to eat with, but I’m not that brave.
1.30pm – chemistry time!
2.45pm – Break time and phone call home. No, I’m not checking up on you, just checking in to see that your all ok!
4.30 – college over and done for the day! I did it, I really did it! Epp!
4.35pm – your bought my babies to meet me! x x x x x x x x x x x
4.50pm – do I have to take a nap?!!?
5.45pm – ok dogs bursting in on me to wake me up is great, Mad Eye farting and walking off not so great! Little shit!
6pm – Wow you did spaghetti and tomato sauce, yay!
7pm – Really, I must take a bath and put jammies on?!?! (:
7.30pm – I don’t like babe and little bear not being here): but I do like T.V and cuddle with you and kitten (:
8.45pm- Boobie, burp, bum, and bed!
9pm – I got old, I want to go to bed!
10.30pm – bedtime story, lights out and cuddles!
1.45am – oh Dear! We have a snotty situation going on in the girl’s room!

Friday 12th January 2018: 5.15am – thank you for getting up with me, so tired and needed your extra motivation to do yoga this time of the morning, after a night like that!
6am – Breakfast with the loving BDSM podcast! Yippy!
7.30am – thank for doing the babies so I can shower and get dressed. SOOO blinking tired!
8.30am – Babe is on her way home!!!!
9am – go to work already! If you don’t I’m never going to get this place clean and the ironing done!
10.30am – Bathrooms cleaned, towels on washing, sheets, and undies dry, hoovered, and mopped, not time for a snack and cup of tea!
11am ok living room time!
12.45 – Living room done, bedroom done! Not to play with babies and eat lunch!
1.30pm – babe is home, but she is so tired): made her a sandwich, cup of and sat her in front of the television.
2pm- have got babe to go bed, she looked done in for, so I asked her if she would please take a nap!
2.30pm- All the house work is done, babe is sound asleep, as are the twins. I am now going to sit and write!
4pm – Taking a nap myself now!
4.45pm – I really do love it when Kitten wakes me up with kisses! Little bear did the twins bottles and bums and babe is playing Xbox. The house is warm, full of noise and colour again. Simply makes me very happy!
5.30 pm – You’re a full 30 minutes earlier than I thought you would be! Go wash up or ill bite your bum!
6pm – Pizza and salad for tea is fabulous, add Bud light and I’m a happy girlie!
7pm – Shower time with babe! She even let me wash her hair and her back! She is ragged and tired, we need to love her a little harder for a bit sir. Seeing her family and Julie not being there is still so raw for the time being!
8.30pm – Babies first you monster, then sexy time!
You know how much I hate leaving kitten half way through eating her! 😛
9pm – Come on then big man, bring you’re A game!
1am – See your not getting old and still got it and some! You left marks on all 4 of us and I think babe need that. teeth marks on the inside of thighs is a nice extra and I love them! Sleep now though?
Saturday 13th January 21018: 6.30am – Thank you for letting me skip yoga this morning. So tired and sore. Right babies!
7.45- babies done, dressed, washed, hair up and ready for breakfast. Do you have to go to work?
8.15am – Right me and the twins are off to get the bus to my English class. Rahhh! I’m feeling super brave today!
9am – The building people are putting the hugest crane ever up and half the road is closed, and I’m stuck on the bus!
9.15 am – made it! Let the English lesson commence!
11am – can I get fries from McDonalds, please!!!!
12.30 pm on the bus home. tired and needy of rest!
1.15- home. babies fed, and bums done then lunch for this tired pixie!
2pm- You’re really missing out, all 4 of us are taking a nap together!
4pm – Where did you come from? Babies look so tiny when you carry them around! Why are you home so early?
4.30pm – Yay we are making homemade Mexican food for tea!
5.15- I did warn you about the chillies, silly head!
6pm- I love the fact I can feed the babies and dinner at the same time! Multy tasking or what! This is the best dinner ever, yours are such a good chef!
7pm- bath with the babies! Love this!!!’
8pm- babies sleeping! Time for cuddles in bed with my girls!
8.30pm – casualty, snacks, and beer! Rock and roll, we be!
10-pm so, your drunk! But not that I mind, means we get to listen to kinky books on the iPad!
12pm- you know they’re not even hunger or need bums doing. The cry, you pick them up and have a cuddle. Then full asleep in your arms!
3am – Mad Eye is at it again! With the add thing he seems to have taken to sleep in the door way to the girl’s room!
6.30am – how can you be so sodding chirpy, this time in the morning and no hang over! Thank you for doing the babies and letting me do yoga.
7.45am – So I have decided I’m not going to mass. I’m just not in the right frame of mind. Can we have a family day?
8am – little bear thought I looked sad, so got me jelly and cream.
9am – Kitten and I are doing lists of things we want to do next week. I have stickers out you have been warned!
10am – Babe is taking us all to hobby craft and I have £70 on my card cash account!
12pm- Whoop! I got barging’s and nice things! The babies liked pets at home.
1pm- home for lunch!
2.30pm – Have had lunch, done the 3 b’s, and now napping!
4pm – Blimey tired pixie pops! Babies playing with I be!
5pm – Pasta for dinner!
6.30- bath time, I think I have a cold):
7pm- turns out I really do have a cold!
9pm going to bed feel yucky!
10pm- Thank you for making me get up and have cold medicine, I know I moaned and whined, but I really did need it!
10.30pm – Bedtime story, cuddles and lights out. Thank you, x,

Pixie’s Prompt – my love language .

Take the love language test , write done you result, is it true? Explain. max 300 words.

My results are:

10 Words of Affirmation
7 Acts of Service
6 Physical Touch
6 Quality Time
1 Receiving Gifts

So this was actually not that surprising . I’m not big on receiving gift , although I do get given lots as rewards for being a good girl. I love my cuddlies and spending time with my partners. The acts of service part well I don’t agree with that as I would much prefer to be the one doing the act of service, I think I’m just hard weird that way. The words of affirmation well yeah! no shocker there. I / We have none for ages that I turn to goo after a partner tells me they are proud of me , or stop and listen to me or tell me I’m doing a good job. But it is also that being told I’m loved and that I’m wanted is a sure-fire way to make me feel calmer and smiley. So on the whole I think it’s true except the act of service part, as I really don’t like it when people have to feel they need to do stuff for me. but the rest is pretty on point. quite funnily Kitten got nearly the same as me , Babe got a really high score in quality time and Little bears highest for physical touch. The Boss Man got 11 for acts of service and 1 for receiving gift, so I think it shows that we really are well suited!

See you tomorrow kinkies!

Hugs,

Pixie x

 

Pixie’s Prompt – three questions, 300 words.

Pixie’s Prompt – three questions, 300 words.
Answer the 3 questions in 300 words or less, but giving reasoned answer.

1) An important person in your life: My Great Aunty May. Simply because she is an amazing woman. Strong minded, open, and clever. She has taught me some many things about being who I am. She is a feisty lady, who is farce and brave, even when she’s not. But the thing I love about her the most is the fact she has been there every step of the way of my recovery. From hospital, to coming home, to remarrying and becoming a mum, she ha been there. Oh, and she can tell the boss man what to do!

2) A thing your life has in excess: Love, my life is full of love. Whether that is giving love, being loved, or feeling love. Some many different types of love. For friends, lovers, family, or my babies. I never thought it was possible to feel this much love and I’m a very blessed lady to have this amount of love in my life.

 

3) How you procrastinate: Well I don’t really! No, I do, but I also must have a lot of structure in my days, or I feel very stressed and like I’m just waiting time. That would then make me panicky and anxious and no one wants that. I guess I do like Pinterest and twitter quite a lot. I also enjoy stripping down to my panties and a t-shirt, turning up the music and dancing round the kitchen. Also, a big fan of taking long baths and naps. But then I am also happy to spend the day writing or to clean for a few hours. For me life is about balance and priorities.

See i can write something in under 300 words!

Hugs,

Pixie

Pixie’s Prompt – Blind Date…

Pixie’s prompt – blind date.
Write a scene about a blind date, gone wrong, that is between 300 and 600 words long.
I check my watch for the 10th time in the last 15 minutes, letting out a deep sigh. Well it’s pretty clear isn’t it, this Si guy isn’t coming, and I’ve been stood up! I got here 20 minutes early, sat on the steps hold a single red rose, waiting for 7pm to get here. I stayed till it got 7.30 and then panicking that I got the time wrong I stayed till 8, just in case. But now at 8.15, I’m giving up. I let the rose drop from my hand and my head and shoulders sag.
I don’t know why I let debs talk me in to coming or why I thought this would be any different to the other disasters that had come before it. She had been telling me that I needed to ‘get out there’ and start dating again, that 3 years of being single is too long, and after weeks she wore me down. I finally agreed to go on a blind date, just to shut her up.
First up first was Dave from the accounts department of the law firm she works at. He had spent the whole date explaining the off-side rule and bragging about his proses in the bedroom. Then the was her Boyfriends friends brother. I thought he was ok, till he turned out to be a trump supporter. oh, and then the was her hairdresser Rik. He turned up to meet Sid, thinking Sid was a man. Not Syd, the girl. The worst was the last, some geeky IT guy who had the worst Bo ever and who spent the whole date starring at my boobs and actually pulled a calculator out at the end of the meal to divide the bill.
No, that’s it, no more blind dates. I would rather be single than go through this again. I sigh again, running my fingers through my strawberry blond curls, closing my eyes sighing again. I start to stand up, opening my eyes, sighing again as I go. Only then seeing the man stand looking at his watch and looking round.
Just as I finally stand up straight he looks over at me and flashes me a shy smile and say’s “been stood up too ah?” I nod my head and that is met with a chuckle and a flash of humour in his blue eye.
My heart is hammering, and my tummy tightens as he crosses the road to where I’m stood. With a shy smile on his lips. “so, this is crazy, but I don’t suppose you fancy joining me for a drink?”.
For some reason I nod my head, suddenly wanting to get to know the handsome guy stood in front of me. the smile is back as he extends his hand for me to shake. “I’m Tom by the way”
“oh yes, umms hi Tom, I’m Syd.” I stammer out, shaking his hand. Wow he has firm hand shake runs through my head for some reason, oh and dear god he has sexy hands.
“is that Syd with a Y or and I? either way lovely to meet you, shall we?” as I let him usher me to the bar at the end of street. Well maybe tonight is not a total disaster after all.

Well that was fun!

Hugs,

Pixie X

Anger is an energy…

Anger is an energy.
Right let me start by say, yep totally ripped of John Lydon book. Now moving on to what this blog post is about shall we?! Well in a nut shell it’s about anger, how people see and treat it, and how it affects me and how I deal with it.
Anger is kind of the elephant in the room for a lot of people or a sort of forbidden emotion. I mean pretty much every other emotion is accepted, if not welcome. But poor old anger is always seen as a negative emotion and something you’re not meant to show. But like all things we try to keep hidden, when it finally comes to the surface it can be messy, hurt people and really fuck you up if you don’t deal with it. The way I look at it is, that anger is not always a negative thing, it is a very strong emotion with a lot of energy behind it, needing careful handling, but should not be feared, as we all at some point feel anger.
For me anger was and is a big part of my life, that I work hard on controlling. I know that may sound shocking to some, as online pixie is sweet and innocent, cute and little. With maybe the odd rant or rude word here and there. For the most part you would be right, but the is another side that you don’t see and that is the angry Pixie, who rants rages and has been known to throw plate at the boss man. I know shocking right?! But I am only human, and it is only natural to get angry sometimes. But for me anger has or did for a long time have a negative impact on my life. I was not allowed to show anger at home growing up. My mother would never allow it and my daddy would turn his anger on me in the form of a beating or horrid word. when I hit my teens, I started to have angry outburst, that I now know were due to not dealing with abuse and with having Anxious ADD. But I was lucky that some one saw this and I got sent to an anger magnet therapist and learnt ways to deal with it
For my anger has a few different Face. The is Mrs grumpy face that people get when I’m tired, feel unwell or get woken up by the phone at 6 am. Then the Rage monster, this is when I get mad at people being treated unfairly, people hurting those I love or some numpty cutting me up oh the rounder bout. It is normally accompanied with a lot of swearing, shouting and hot air. Then we have anxious, broken brained angry Pixie. I don’t now when or what this looks like, not as my brain switches off and I can’t function. I have been told I become short, extremally critical and rude with people. Then the is to me the scariest type, the silent sighing type, that I turn in on myself. It’s the one I get when I feel I have fucked something up or not done enough. It is my self-critical side and it frightens the crap out of me. it has in the past led to self harm, anxiety attack, and a few times trying to take my life. It is spiteful, rude, and aggressive and it is always turn in on me. It led to me losing my friends, disliking myself and not try anything.
But with everything I need to do in my life, I say, I’m working on it. Its not gone, but I am living with it. I did this by meeting it head on, challenging it and fighting it. I won’t let it rule my life and I do not deserve to fell like it makes me feel.
I have ways to deal with it, that I have learnt in therapy and from maîtriser. They are:
• Breath – Ok so deep breathing works amazingly well for so many things. But I also have a little mantra I say while doing deep breathing, it is ‘Breath just breath. Keep moving forward, take baby steps if you have too. But keep moving and just breath.’ Saying this brings me back down to a normal level of meness.
• Time out – So yes, I give myself time outs. Simply as turning my phone off, iPod on calming music and I go sit and calm down for 20 mins, not talking or interacting with anyone.
• Walk it off – Again as simple as putting my shoes on and taking a dog for a walk. I come back, and I’m calm and not going to kill anyone.
• Scream about it – Ok so this is always as simply as screaming. It normally involves the boss man taking me to the gym, stick loud music on and making me spare with him. The is highly stress reliving about kicking the crap out of someone.
• Talk or write about it – I see a therapist every 2 weeks and blog as a way of keeping a lid on things.
• Hug it out – ok so this is pure and simply my nana’s idea! When I was a kid, if I got angry instead of telling me off or shouting at me and resulting in me getting angrier. She would make me hug someone. Normally my granddah, her or my great, great aunty win. It was her belief and now mine that you can’t stay mad if your hugging someone.
So that is my take on anger and how I deal with it. I know it must seem a little strange to some but for me it really does work!

Hugs,
Pixie x

Pixie’s prompt – Music be the food of love….

Pic 3 pieces of music that mean different things to you. Explain what they mean to you and why? How do you feel when you hear them? What do you think of when your hear them?

The town I loved so welll , by Phil Coulte. (the High Kings version).

This is a song that was written by Phil Coulte of the Dubliners and it’s about his childhood growing up in a town called Derry in Northern Ireland. For me it takes me back to my childhood in Belfast and Armagh. I have some very happy memories of my childhood, which this song reminds me of. But on the flip side it reminds me of the troubles in Ireland. It also for me sums up the people of the towns I grow up in. Fiercely proud of are roots, Loving, caring and are refusal to let the troubles impact on are lives. It makes me happy and sad at the say time, with a little bit of home sickness thrown in for good measure.

One more light, by Linkin Park.
So this song is not the happiest of songs, and a few weeks after this song came out the leader sing of the band took his life. But I can really relate to it on a lot of leaves. When I’m really depressed I feel like my light goes out and that people cant see me. I love how this song sort of tells you that if your light really were to go out that it really would mater to people. That your not just one more light to go out and that we all mater. But I can also feel the pain of the person say that it would mater to them, reminding me of the pain I have felt when my friends have past away or try to hurt themselves . it a beautiful song that reminds me that no matter how bad I feel someone would miss you.

I’m Yours, by Ron Pope.

This was the song that maîtriser and I had been first dance at are wedding to, so it brings back memories of that. But it was also a song that he would sing to me as I was recovering from trying to end my life. Thinking about it I guess maybe it was his way of saying “oi, your daft cow I love you” But I was so poorly, both mentally and physically at the time, just nothing sunk in. But know when I hear it I just feel a rush of love and want to hug maîtriser. IT also reminds me that his mine and I’m his, for the rest of are lives!