This mornings topic up for discussion on the 30 Days of D/s by Loving BDSM is Consent and what it means to you? quit an emotive subject for a Thursday morning breakfast really, but one that was interesting to debate never the less. Even my Great Aunty May joined and actually made some very good points. I do get blown away by the fact that a woman of 82 , from a very traditional Irish family and a devote Catholic , can have such an amazingly open and refreshing view on life. (Go Aunty May!)
I guess the big thing for me is what you mean by consent , what you give consent to and how that consent is gained. But the first thing that be came clear this morning is that to all of us, is that no matter what has been said before , If anyone say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ when having sex or playing , whether male or female , sub or dom or vanilla , no matter what it means stop. forcing yourself on anyone or forcing some one to do something that they don’t want to do is assault or rape. I/we know that if any of us say we don’t want to or for something to stop , well it stops ! it’s a trust thing and once trust is gone in a relationship then its kind of dead really. maîtriser chipped in that it goes both ways and reminded me of something that happened with one of his subs in the past. She was going down on him and it started to hurt , he firmly said stop and off but she took it in to her head that he wanted to come over her face and she wanted to swallow , so kept going . Next thing he knew she had a mouthful of blood and he was rushing to the ED with 2 burst blood vessel in little maîtriser. Needles to say that was the end of their relationship.
For me the level of consent that I have given to maîtriser is very high. I will do pretty much what he ask of me in a sexual manner and on the Play and punishment side of things. That is the other thing that we have , I very rarely get told to do stuff , I get asked. Not cos I want to be asked , more the fact that maîtriser is really in to good manners and believes that male Doms should be gentlemen! (his mama and nona raised him well). but the are other things that I have given consent to as well that don’t really have anything to do with D/s or BDSM really , well not in the traditional senses. He has almost total control over my finance. I asked for this as I inherited money and I have huge problems with saying no to people I love. now if I get some one asking for help , I say ill have to talk it through with him. He also has control over my free time and how much time I spend with my family. Not cos he dislikes them , but if I spend too much time with them I get really down on myself. My sisters can be a little judgmental and are pretty perfect. My mother is verbally abusive and is always wanting something, so he does not really let me see her unless it’s unavoidable. I’m also not allowed to be on my own with my daddy , he has bipolar , Parkinson and picks disease (a form of dementia ). They leave him very confused, erratic and prone to outbursts. He can’t help it , but he has lashed out at me a few times in the last few months and even slapped me round the face at dinner . he made me see that it’s not really safe and i agreed with him!
Consent is also something that has been really hard for me to deal with. I went from a relationship where my partner just took for granted I would do what he wanted. that I would play with who ever he wanted. To him then deciding to push me past even consent for sex by either bullying and blackmailing and in the end by using his fists. To being with someone who asked every step of the way that I was ok and wanted to do what we were doing (I’m just going to add writing that send a shiver down my spine when I remember those early days with the Boss man, that turned to a blush, made worse by the fact that I’m sat in a very public diner) . which was what I need at the time , as I had pretty much lost the ability to trust humans. But when it turned to a D/s thing, we talked and I slowly gave him more control as he taught me to trust again and showed me that not all people take without asking! Things really changed when I actually manged to turn round and say I love him as more than a dom and a friend. Yup, I’m a very very lucky girl!
As a closing thought on consent I will say to any guy who says ‘ are you sure ?, cos I wont be able to stop if we go any farther’ . Well that is BS, you can and should stop . even if someone has said yes to sex, no means no, even if it’s with a sub or slave. We may not be I charge but we have rights!
Right i’m off to get dressed and try and fit into my jeans (being pregnant with twins means what fitted 2 weeks ago does not fit now!). HEHEHE! i did ask if he wanted to come back to bad this morning and he did for a cuddle 😉