So up yesterday on the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s was Handling Negative Emotions. I’m going to share that this was taken by maîtriser as a chance to sit down with me and talk about how I handle some issues that I have. I have shared with the world about that in the past I have been in an abusive relationship and that I have both physical and mental heath problems , but really that is just the tip of a very rough time I have had over the years. I grow up In a very dysfunctional house hold. My mother went back to work when I was 6 weeks old, not out of need but want. She is and always has been a very carer driven woman, but also a very domineering woman. We don’t get on nor will we ever get on. I am the polar operant to her. I cry , laugh and show my emotions and as a kid this rub her up the wrong way. I struggled at school and as a teen got kick out of 3 schools, before I was 14 and got sent to a PRU. Again she hated this . But the straw that broke the camels back with her was when my ex hit me in front of her and she turned a blind eye to it. So yeah , we don’t get on . My daddy (my father) has bipolar disorder (1) and while I adore him, he is very hard to like at times. As a kid when he was low I saw him OD, Cut his wrists and just hate every thing. When manic I have seen him walk out in front of traffic, be vile to everyone around him and to be held down by police and sedated. He would also get really angry and nearly always that got turned on me. Whether that was verbal or physical , I was his little punch bag. So , yeah I have issues there too! it is the reason I was so close to my nana and why I have some of the rules I have. Like not being allowed to see my family without the girls or maîtriser. And breath!
So away where was I?!?! Negative emotions, ok right where to start? So When I think of negative emotions I think of anger, self-doubt , self-destruction and not liking myself very much. In the past I was not allowed to express anger or not being happy , but now I have maîtriser I am allowed to. at first I sort of had grown up paddies or tried to hide them , but now either cry or ask to talk stuff through with one of the girls . We all do that , it is one of the massive upsides to living with 3 women! (:)). I also suffer with really low self-esteem and used to put myself down at least 20 times a day. But maîtriser got me to see that by doing this I was kind of saying that what he was saying was not right and that he found that hurtful. So it was put as one of my rules that I would work on stopping doing that. It’s easy to stay that I would stop, but I am basically unlearning to do something that I have been for over 30 years. I get punished at least 3 times a week for it, but at least it’s not the 5 times a day I was, lol. A lot of my rules are based round having a healthy view of myself and on dealing with my emotions, when they happen and not bottling them up . It is a slow , hard thing to do.
So here is what I’m trying to say. We deal with negative emotions by talking about them , sharing them and owning them. If we are angry , were angry .if were upset were upset. if we get frustrated , we talk about it. We support each other , agree to disagree and talk about it , again! We try to redirect negatives into positives. We met things head on, together and talk about it! Basic we talk about , cuddle, talk about it and screw when angry! lol We do a hell of a lot of talking!
My sit down chat with maîtriser was more of a big old boost Pixie up session! Turns out he’s dead proud of me and how much better I’m doing. (from this time last year!). Even after I had broken my phone , I still got my treat of a new book and a whole hour of free time! (also have maîtriser work phone, but I am still trying to figure out what the flip half the stuff on itdoes!) So yay Team Pixie!
This has been cartartic again! So yay!
Pixie x x x x