So the Boss man signed to the 30 days of D/s that Loving BDSM. I think cos I’m on a break from college and he’s worried that my brain will stagnate if left with nothing to do other than look pretty. Might have something to do with us all uprooting from the sunny old UK to sunny NYC and New Jersey for the next 5 weeks. Also pretty sure it has something to do with him knowing if I have too much free time , I tend to get in to a pickle or cause mischief!
So what does Dominance mean to me?! well if I look at it from a work view (bear with me I’m a dog behaviorist ) a dominate in the animal kingdom is the one who is In control of others with in a group. They are not the one who gets the of things or the who uses their position to get what they want. The protect the weaker members , make sure those who need more get more and they make the presence felt when needed. I guess that is kind of what I think of a Dom in the D/s senses.
Not that i have always seen it that way in the past. My first proper Boyfriend that i had at the age of 17 , was very much the ‘Alpha male ‘ Type . We kind of fell in to a D/s thing. I started hang out with people on the fetish scene in the early 00’s and he came with me. He watch the Doms and tried to emulate them. It was very clear that I’m extremely submissive and always very eager to please. But he never listened, pushed my limits to far and always made me feel like crap. I saw other subs and slaves being treated with respect and love . So for reasons i’m not going in to it ended, badly. but i took a step back and actually thought about what i ‘Need’ from a Dom.
Well more than anything i need someone who will make me feel safe and protected. Some one who will respect my limits and push them. Someone who gets that i need to feel needed and loved. Someone who will listen to what I’m saying verbally and none verbally. who could get inside my head , not freak out and who can get the best out of my broken little brain. Someone who can see me at my worst and still want to love and protect me.
I was really lucky that some friends , who i played with (that’s code for fucked), had some free time and offered to come stay with me. (ok if they didn’t do that i would have been spending time in a mental ward) . They asked if they could bring their dom with them. Now having a big old house with spare rooms so what the heck the more the merrier , right? Well that was my undoing!
I had known there Dom from the age of 19 and he was a very lovely and dear friend. He made sure that if I was out on my own i got home safe , talked and explained things to me and even held my hand if thing got to loud or crowed. But living with him, dear god was that hard. not in a bad way in the way that i spent the whole time want ing to screw his brains out! So after a night of drinking , some encouragement and i went and screwed him. Waking up i thought ‘Oh way to fuck up a friendship!’ But no , it was made clear that if i need a friend with benefits he was there for me.
It took me a month of going out with him and the girls , seeing how well he treated them and wanting so much to have that in my life. So over breakfast one morning i ask, half heartedly if he want a new sub. To my shock he said he was for discussing it. lol and by god did we discuss it. he set out what he expected and asked what i wanted and needed. rules were set out and he made it clear i had to earn a collar. But i earn’t it and his love.
That was 2 years ago and i have learnt so much. I now know that A Dom is meant to care for their sub , keep them from harm and to help them grow in to a happy and fulfilled person. That a proper Dom will not micro- manage you , criticise everything you do or hurt you for their own pleasure . He’s help me with pretty much every aspect of my life . I have gone from a painfully shy , broken brained girl. to some body who can stand up for herself , who is happy and loved. He has taught me that nothing bad will happen as long as I’m open and willing to try solve my problems.
So in short dominance means my safe place, that I can be me , loved , needed and what I need to be. His my clam and quiet places and pushes me to be the best me I can!
well not sure where or who tat came from! cathartic I would defo say!